Why?

Why? "How dare you! You?" Emptiness had consumed me and I don't know
why. Tears should be coming like they have to my sister and brother,
but they seem to find no any reason to. No matter whether we cry or not
it won't change what's happening. It won't change the fact that this
family has finally begun to fall apart. "You had no right to tell
Alex!" She yelled, choking slightly on her selfish tears. "I want you
out of my house!" "No, I'm not leaving." Michael said calmly. From my
position on the stairs I could see him continue to get ready for his
night out of clubbing. "He had a right to know what kind of mother he
has!" They continue on, their language getting worse, their voices
getting higher, louder. This all must be a dream, one that could be
stopped with a pinch?but the pinch wasn't working. Beth runs down the
stairs crying, running out of the house with no shoes, she should have
shoes. Alex is still upstairs crying in his room, unable to help Beth
or anyone else, not even himself. I quickly walk to the front door and
call out to my sister. "Beth come back! You need some shoes!" It was
silly to care about the shoes so much; but it was the only thing I
could bear concentrating on. Upstairs our mother could be heard
beginning to pack. "If he won't leave then I will!" She yelled to our
father who was hopelessly trying to calm her down. It was a pointless
action. Michael came down the stairs, shouting to Beth to come back in.
"I can't! I can't take this anymore!" Beth cries, beginning to make her
way down the street towards our grandparent's house. Still any feelings
are dormant within my soul. I look over at Michael all ready for his
night out, knowing he would get drunk tonight, knowing he would cry his
heart out. Everyone except me would cry over this. Why? Mum came down
the stairs slowly, dragging her suitcase and sniffling. She didn't look
at us, didn't want to see what she was leaving behind. I wondered
whether she would stay if I asked her to, if anyone other than our
father begged. But none of us did. Alex was in his room, Michael was
too proud and I too confused over what to feel. Ten minutes after she'd
left we were still stood there. Alex had come down unable to cry
anymore, my dad just kept smiling, saying not to worry, she'd be back.
A taxi arrived for Michael and he left, he had long grown used to this
behaviour but I had never realised just how broken up our family really
was before. We continued to stand there until Beth came charging back
into the house. Mum had gone to nana's house where Beth had been and
nana had tried to make them talk. Anyone could see Beth wasn't ready
for that, no one was. What would happen now? Our mother had always said
she wanted a divorce from our dad; that she wanted to be away from him.
But she had never packed like this before; she had never physically
left us. It was then tears began to form, now that the empty living
room concealed me from the others. We had been watching T.V before this
had happened, me and Alex. Now Alex was with Beth crying and I was sat
alone in my mum's chair, snuggling into it as much as possible. Alone.
The loneliness was overwhelming me because now it was obvious my mum
didn't love me. She had left us? My first tear was about to fall, the
tear of acceptance, when there was a knock on the door. My dad called
for me and Alex and at first I didn't move. I just wanted to sit here
and pretend to watch T.V. Just to sit here and begin to accept?but Alex
ran down the stairs so I sighed and made my way to the door. There
stood our grandfather, the involuntary messenger, looking grave and
tired. "She wants to see you two." We all glanced up at the stairs
where Beth was. "What about Beth?" I asked. Beth just shook her head
and ran to her room. Mum hadn't asked for her, hadn't wanted to see her
second eldest, her eldest daughter. I wanted to say no, wanted to have
the choice to decide over my own life. She had just left us, prepared
to never see us again. Why should I now go convince her to come back?
Why? Alex was already out of the door and my dad was telling me to
follow. Alex glanced back at me, begging me to come. He couldn't do
this alone, I knew that, but?more than anything I wanted to just accept
she was gone forever. Coping with the idea of her coming back and then
having to wait for the next time she would leave us was too much. I
just wanted it to be over now. I looked up at my dad pleadingly, not
daring to look at Alex. Please don't make me go. I pleaded to him
silently. Don't make me feel this nothingness forever. The next thing I
knew we were walking down the dark, uninviting street towards our
nana's house. It was cold, both outside me and in me, in my very heart.
Our grandfather was talking about the stars; he always would talk about
them to us. This time I didn't listen, only felt numb and cold all at
once. We were getting nearer. I wanted to run, run to my aunt's house
and forget I had a mother and a father. My brothers and sister could
come too, as long as we had each other we could survive anything, even
this. We reached the back door and our grandfather slowly opened it.
There she was, sniffling on the sofa, looking up at us with shame.
Still I felt nothing, had no empathy for her; she was just acting like
a spoilt child. "See, your young ones still need you." Our nana cooed
to her, as if she were the child that needed comforting. Our feelings,
the feelings of the actual children here, weren't even going to be
asked about. "But Michael told them!" She sniffed. I wanted to hit her
then, try to knock some sense into her thick head. Yes, Michael had
told us about her boyfriend, we knew what kind of mother she was now.
She would leave us the moment he wanted her to. For that I hate her,
wanted to scream at her, hit her, make her see what she was putting us
through, her children! I wanted her to feel what my brothers and sister
were feeling, wanted her to feel the nothingness that had consumed me!
"They don't care about that." Our nana continued and hugged her
precious, angelic daughter. She made us hug her too, the selfish,
uncaring slag of a mother. "They still love you." Yes, I do love her
still. But why? Why should I still love her after she had left us?
"Yes! My babies!" She wailed while hugging us tightly. I put one arm
around her, still feeling nothing. One day she would really leave us
and she wouldn't come back, she wouldn't just run down the street. I
knew that, yet I still couldn't feel. "Quickly get ready dear!" I heard
a childish giggle escape the forty-something year old and listened to
her climb up the stairs. The day had finally come It's been years since
that day, years of me waiting for this moment to arrive, the moment
when she would finally leave us. Half of me wants her to, wants the
emptiness I have suffered to finally be over. But the other half wants
her to stay, doesn't want my emotions to ever resurface over what has
happened to our family. I listen to the stranger pace about in our
passage and keep hidden from his view. I didn't want to know who it
was, he was part of the reason I had changed. For so long I have been a
zombie, unable to live life properly. She was the reason for this. I'm
not the only one that has changed since that day. Michael and Beth
left, for a while they would cry for no reason too. Now they are away
from it all. They are alive now. I can hear her skipping about
upstairs, acting like a six year going out on a field trip. The
emptiness is numbingly cold in me, so cold it hurts. She called Alex
selfish for having friends, said he should spent more time at home. It
hurts him; he's too easily hurt by her. He can't block out her
emotional blackmail like me. As for me?she doesn't understand me. I
wanted her to be happy about who I was, but that was never going to
happen now. She came back down, grinning like a child with sweets, and
I turned away from the doorway, knelting down to the floor. It's really
happening I thought silently At least Alex isn't here. I heard her
talking like a child again, begging to go abroad. It was the last time
I ever heard her. I thought about shoes, wondering what shoes she was
wearing, would wear tomorrow. I thought about my old shoes? The front
door closed and there was silence. I was all alone. Too alone. Why? I
climbed to my feet, still unable to feel, checking the hallway to make
sure she was really gone. She was gone, gone forever. I walked upstairs
to my mirror, glaring at my reflection. Still no tears came. "Cry!" I
demanded, poking the glass. "She left you, she doesn't care! She's gone
forever!" I was smashing it with my fist, pieces of glass cracking. I
smashed at it, blood oozing from my hands, falling to the floor. I
stopped shouting, stopped smashing and fell to my knees. What had she
done to me? Why had I become this? Why? I cupped my face into my hands,
the slick blood mixing with salty tears. She was gone. Why?