Wouldn't be seen dead in that

I wouldn't be seen dead in that.
by Iain Snell

It had been quite a depressing service up to this point. Asha Scot
took
one last, long look down at Ted, her dear departed husband, lying
in
his open coffin on the altar. He had died so peacefully, in his
sleep.
Heart attack, the mortician had told her. His heart just could not
cope
with the colossal amount of atomic chicken wings he'd eaten the
day
before. About five buckets of deep fried chicken, served with spicy
sauce
and blue cheese. If he hadn't died he would have turned the bed room
into a gas chamber. Sometimes after eating to much chicken, he would
hallucinate that dragons were breathing fire down his throat and
scorching his bowels

So at 3:45 am last Monday morning, whilst he slept, Mr Scot's heart
stopped beating. Probably, Asha admitted to herself, not the way he
would have wanted to go. He'd have wanted to go in a blaze of glory, or
with a completely selfless act of love. Asha smiled as she remembered
her husband trying to do romantic things like that, before they were
married and never
quite getting it right. Like the time he covered her bed with red roses
and then sat down on it. not realising he had forgotten to remove the
thorns. That was one of the reasons she had married him, he made her
laugh.

She picked a carnation from the decorative vase beside the altar and
tucked it into the breast pocket of the black dinner suit she'd bought
for him this morning. She had never once in her entire life thought she
mite have to buy clothes for her husband after he was dead. He'd never
had any formal clothes of his own. His closet was full of jeans, cargo
trousers and other casual items. Being self employed meant he didn't
have to ware a tie from nine to five, Monday to Friday. When ever he
and Asha where invited to a wedding or such like, he would borrow his
brothers kilt and a dinner jacket from one of his friends. Even dressed
in this way he some how managed to look more casual than jeans and a
T-shirt. He hated suits and always said that he wouldn't wear one even
if he was to be presented to the Queen.

Asha smiled again. She wasn't crying. She had finished all that
before
the service. Besides Ted always hated it when she cried. All she
was
feeling now was happiness. Happy that he had died without
suffering,
happy that being a Christian she would one day meet him again and
happy
because she was happy.
She turned away from the coffin and followed the rest of her
Husband's
immediate family and long forgotten cousins out of the chapel and
closed
the doors behind her. The rain was coming down fast so she ran to
the
car that was waiting to take her to the will reading. She knew that Ted
had left the house to her but she was hoping for more. The Swedish bank
account pin number would be a start.

In the chapel, Ted sat up. Or at least a shade of Ted sat up and
looked
at the empty, rowed pews. Empty that was except for one tall, very
thin
figure sitting at the back, dressed in a cloak blacker than the
darkest
night, that covered the figure from head to toe and carrying a large
sharp
looking scythe.
Death stood up and walked towards Ted. He was a good thirty yards
away
but he somehow covered the distance in a couple of strides. He
stood
towering over Ted in expectation.
"Who are you?" Ted asked not yet at grips with his current
situation. "What do you want? What's going on?"
The string of questions continued until Death stretched a long skeletal
finger towards the body Ted was currently sitting in.
Ted looked down at his vacant body. "But that's not me!"
Death raised an eye socket behind his black over shadowing hood.
This
was new. He had plenty of 'But I don't deserve to go' or 'I'm too
young
to die' but this was the first time anyone had claimed that the
body
they where standing over wasn't theirs.
He spoke. Not an easy task for a skeleton with no lungs, tong or vocal
cords. Never the less Ted heard, or thought he heard.
"What do you mean?"

"Well." Ted managed to say after blinking several times. The effect of
the not quite audible sentence was numbing. "I wouldn't be seen dead in
that suit!"

The End!