You See Me - August 06 2002

07.01am. I am listening to Green Day's Ker Plunk album again. I like
"Welcome To Paradise". I woke up at 6.15 but didn't get up till 6.40,
my back still aches from yesterday from carrying all that emotion
around. I feel quite knackered.

I fed the cats this morning using two clean bowls and emptying one of
the plastic bowls. This time, both Longhair and Tabby dived straight
in.

Yesterday (05) was a really weird day, a day which I don't want to
repeat too often, if at all. I had a long chat with the boss, and he
said well you have to sort yourself out, but let me take the rest of
the day off, I guess he thought I wouldnt be much good at work in the
state I was in. He agreed that I had been under a lot of stress
recently. I escaped after doing the tape, and went in Smiths to get
some jiffy bags, one of which I split shoving All Mod Cons into it, and
had to get another bag. So I sent the tape and All Mod Cons and a
Flamin' Groovies compilation CD to Erin first class. I managed to get
the envelopes into the letter box which always seems a bit small for
what I want to send.

I went in Starbucks, and outside it started to rain, I rang Erin and
told her I had bailed from work, and was going home. She was concerned
about me, and I mentioned I had emailed her. Then I rang my wife and
found out she had passed out in the gym, and she said it was stress.
God, we are all stressed out today aren't we, I thought. Maybe it's
Monday blues, or maybe its the storm that seems to be lurking in the
sky.

I got the train, and rang my sister. I quickly updated her about me
being wired up and she said is it because of my brother and his
girlfriend? I said it wasn't but she said, do not discuss anything with
your parents, so maybe my brother's issues have messed them up as well.
We all seem to fall apart at times. She said she didn't have my
brother's mobile number, and my little niece needed feeding "else she
gets oiky," my sister said. I mentioned Erin, she said I should talk to
my brother.

I listened to a tape on the train home, staring like a zombie out of
the window, debating whether to get my hair cut again. I didnt of
course, it might be hard to explain the significance to my boss
tomorrow (06). I got in, and had a chat with my wife, and she was still
ill, but feeling a little better.

I got changed, and played with Tabby for a while, before going round to
the record shop and there I bought some CDs including two by the
"Pretty Things". Then I went in the garage and found "Insomniac", my
Who CD, a Small Faces CD. Erin likes a lot of bands that I like, and I
try to pass on bands that I like a lot as well. We like music.

I played guitar for an hour or so, I am working on a Velvet Underground
style song, but I need to work on the voice, to make it better, good
enough to send to Erin.

Then I started another tape which is just a collection of songs that I
put on.

I watched a DVD of Gosford Park, which is a murder mystery like Poirot,
without Poirot, then about ten pm went in chat and talked with Erin for
a long time. She'd read my epic diary entry for yesterday (05), and
described it as heavy. I guess it was, i don't often write heavy stuff
like that, but if I hadn't I would have been denying what I felt at the
time. What I felt first thing in the morning.

How do I feel now? More positive. I am going to work today and I still
love the two girls in my life. Yesterday evening I listened to
Insomniac and The Modern World. Some bands remind me of different
people which is good. Different music for different people. Erin and I
have lots of songs.

You know it's funny, I booked my two weeks holiday six months ago, and
I almost got it right, I was only a week out in needing to be away from
work. But I have things I can do at work, and it's only four days left
anyway.

I posted a thread about phone calls in the forum, mainly on account of
how I can call Erin and chat with her. I think somebody rang their
girlfriend when I suggested it.

Sometimes I feel zonked by everything, and its a strange feeling, it's
like surfing a wave, and its pretty wonderful. I thought yesterday was
like a John Cusack film, mentioned it even. Of course there would be
one scene, where maybe the actress to play Erin would be on a twin prop
engined plane, and take off and there would be another plane trying to
zoom along side with banners with writing on them. And people would
look at the window and go "awww". Or we would be on a rocket plane
between the planets on a mission of urgency. We are all of us in the
gutter but some of us are looking at the stars, as someone once said
more or less.

To be someone.

You see me, and I see you, and we see each other.

Time is motion and the hands are fast, sometimes so fast you never have
time to stop, walk into a cafe and just let the world go by the window.
You need time to think.

Thats the immediacy with writing, you have to get it down fast before
the moment is lost, better do it now because you won't have time.

Do you know that Creative Writing Courses are quite rare? I can rip
apart computers and fix them, but I can't write haikus. I can play
guitar but I don't know much about English Literature other than what I
did at school before I left.

I did figure out another band name 'Iceway' but I have no idea whether
I will end up in a band. Maybe I will, maybe not, who can tell? I dont
think it would a full time thing, I dont think I am that good. I can't
do bar chords or twiddly bits that other players can do without
thinking.

The skies surround us
The heaven falls upon us
The sky cries
The world lies sleeping
And roundabout me
I see Erin