Blender

We are all living in a yellow submarine,
but Beaver lives in a yellow bungalow.

She writes:

'The sunlight is coming into the house in fat yellow streaks,
everything looks yellow and happy. A strong wind is causing all the
trees to bend; there is a smell of petrol and eucalyptus and something
that my mum cooked. Its a beautiful day in Melbourne but mum is
complaining about the wind. Oh well. Anyway, after the description that
has to hopefully be anywhere but Kuwait I will proceed to bore you. Mum
says hi. I hope you can come see this place one day.

I just realised, I've been a bloody Aussie for 5 years now, that
shocked me. It's so strange. The weather's been pretty psycho too, but
I enjoy seeing the differences, unlike q8's interminable, boring 40
degree continuous weather.

I guess I just got used to the fact that I've gotten used to not
paying bills
for breathing air.

But the plane leaves. And I can see the rolling planes of green lush
fields, the gorgeous country roads and you know what I just couldn't
help, I couldn't help feeling like one big fat ozzie.
So plane gets to Singapore a bloody eternity later, in the airport
me
and my mum start seeing loads of Egyptians as my plane is going to
Cairo, and you know what I felt, utter sadness.
Later I got to Dubai, waited for an eternity there, but I try not to
look at
anything. I get here, I still feel dead. I get to my house and don't
leave. I guess I just don't want to see what is outside of here, I
guess I'm

I feel like a big chunk of numb salami.

Somehow I find the familiarity of Kuwait threatening..
I guess I just don't want to see what is outside of here.
perhaps its culture shock or I don't know what the hell it is that has
me feeling so numb

***

I think I died yesterday, it was interesting.

it was all terrible fun,
thrilled me senseless, a big orgy, haha, sarcasm, I hope you can still
recognise
my tasteless crap.

Man I miss you

Results are out, A- in art, I dunno whether to cry or laugh at
this.

I miss the familiarity of my friends, you have conversations with all
these new people, but that's the thing, they are new. I cant possibly
know what they are thinking and I
feel like is I'm socialising with an empty tunnel.

I guess I'm writing this as a substitute for a good cry.

I miss you, not in the usual way that they pass in the movies, all that
shitty slow
music, but more like a big fat difference, I can't claim times were
better then, but
I can claim that I had something I knew.

I am so stressed. I eat, sleep, study, sleep.

I wanna do well, I am so scared of failing, I mean what else do I
have.
What is there that makes me, me.

I keep reminding myself of all those people before me.

Insha'allah next time you hear from me I'll be coping.

Inshallah the world will keep turning. Had such a weird dream. I guess
it was
about the things that scare me the most.

***

I have finally met them. They are so interesting, so admirable. Damn
they are
strong.
I guess pain subsides a little knowing that everyone is going
through
the same thing, or worse, or perhaps they will or have.

Time to turn against the people I've known the longest.

i'm just being a hippo hypocrite.

I guess its nice to belong to two countries.

I might go to the land of oz, I might not. I'm learning to cope with
uncertainty.

The shitty word check is telling me I have lots of errors. La di
da.

***

The piano is so incredible. Wow. So is the violin.
I found out what his name means, morning star. Wow. I'd love to be
called that.
I know what I'm going to call my adopted children, Seamus, Tk and
Manus.

I make him cry when he's happy. I actually told him I was jealous, but
for some inconceivable reason he still loves me. I could never be with
him and he knows it. It is as if he is fighting this invisible war. He
won't win.

Yesterday someone tried to break into the house while I was
inside, it was very scary but Tk saved the day. He makes me feel
safe.

Another week, another hard, mean week is here.

Dunno if I can face it. Dunno if I want to face it. It just seems never
ending so much work, so many
people
to face.

***

I'm glad you are settling in to Egypt, relieved that you are
actually
surviving your previous apocalyptic fears of facing life there.

I hope that the home boxing ring between your mummy and sis is fine
now.

Home is fine, or appears to be.

You sound happy and that just makes me that tiny bit more satisfied
with my life. I will try and phone you wiam, I think I'll have to, but
when I have more energy.

Thanks a lot Kiwi.
Brandy

Dear Wiam,

I just remembered I dreamt about u. No its not u I'm laughing about its
just wierd that you wrote today. I hope you can decipher the meaning of
this. Damn, your call felt like if you were still here, its like you
haven't left. I am so thankful to God that at least some things stay
the same.

I hate not being able to go out so I just close myself off from
it.
Its better this way. I seriously would die if I thought about it too
much. Its better to let the world dissolve, thin away and live in my
own little world. I feel better this way, I seriously, seriously
do.

Wiam, damn lets swap places.

C'est la vie, two more years, or less if I go to the land of Oz.
Then
freedom.

write soon will you informing me of the dilemmas of Cairo and I'll
write
back with the update on KTV news,

ma3salama,

bren

Hala pk,

ok, pk.

that's your new name, pk.

anyway pk, just wanted to write that I missed you seeing as you
are
perhaps the only respectable being that would understand this
bull.

When are you getting your posterior here anyway?

Well, I will solve your identity crisis for you,
You are Wiam. Or Pk.
Oh dear I see your problem.

Well I'm glad you sound good.

I'm glad I sound good. A relief actually.

Farewell,

Brenda
( Sword, flame)'