Inside the Mind of an Enlightened Master

Before enlightenment, chop wood. After enlightenment, chop wood. I tell that shit to the disciples - the young monks and nuns rather - and it makes them happy to do all the wood chopping and other tasks around the centre. Lol. I don't do much telling them to do any stuff to be fair, or talking at all. That's always a danger if trying to maintain an air of holiness, that one might let slip unholy speech, so a good guru knows it is best for self and all beings if, for the most part, they stay schtum. The 'servers' do it all because they want to, or because they think it is getting them karma points, either way its a win win - them mentally benefiting from it, and us 'guru crew' of Enlightened Masters not having to lift a finger nor sign on. My 'work' is to chillax in robes, make the occasional namaste bow to folks, and, every so often, spout some of these, sparingly used, holyish sounding words in the meditation hall. Having done the most part of my forty seven years so far in this physical body out there in the rat race and noise, five of those at Her Majesty's Pleasure, my life has been a lot worse. Before enlightenment, sell drugs and try and scrape a living. After enlightenment, if there's such a thing, who knows.
     A few times in this fast approaching half century in this human life I have felt, or convinced myself to have been, enlightened - had flashes of vision from all the drugs I was taking and selling back in the day, especially the psychedelics, though never anything able to fully remember and take back with me from this to make proper, lasting, life benefitting changes from. Not while I continued to use and abuse them anyway. With addiction to them they became my anchor and mental prison rather than my wings to liberation. Objects of attachment and clinging, whilst having aversion to the non-high 'everyday' reality - unable to cope with this unadulterated experience. But I wasn't then the Enlightened Master that I am now, to see this. I joke about being an Enlightened Master of course, but in seeing that now it does seem like a bit of enlightenment might be there. I turned to the spiritual shit to see if it might offer the LSD style 'enlightenment' for free, and longer lasting and with no comedown, and keep me off the harder drugs I'd become accustomed to in my time in the slammer. Sure, it involves a lot of nonsense, and sitting on arse navel gazing, and, the worst thing of all, everyone in communities such as this are vegetarians or vegans in their claiming to 'love all beings', but it beats the life in the so called 'real world' out there, and certainly the jailhouse. This shiz is my real world now.
     It didn't take long from the day I shaved my mop of hair (never a hippy, just too stoned or skint to have bothered to have it cut) and donned the robes, before I rose up the ranks in the commune, just as the first national centre in this particular 'Order Of One' tradition I'd got involved in was being established in the UK. This was looking for the best of the best (the most enlightened of the most enlightened) from the smaller communes, to be its supreme Enlightened Masters, to host meditations and satsangs for the on site monks and nuns in training, and for the stream of other spiritually curious part timers who would be passing through the place. The gig was all expenses paid, food, lodging and spending money too from the 'dāna' donations, with minimal 'work' having to be done. And best of all, for the ego, was the shit ton of reverence from everyone bowing and kneeling before their Masters like Gods for doing sod all. Rflmao. Too good to be true - both the job, and also any of these supposed 'Enlightened Masters'. Needless to say, I got the job - spiritual promotion! - to be one of these, and here we are.
     Right now where I am - always here now, I have to pretend to the external world - is in my cushy quarters, just having given the evening discourse so 'off shift' now until the morning chanting. Short straw drawn with the other Enlightened Masters to have to get up early doors and play the chanting CD in the hall while they get to snooze for another two hours lie in. I'm not too concerned by the prospect of this right now however, what with the other things that have taken focus of my mind in the present moment, namely the young nun aspirant - well, in her thirties, probably, but young to my forty seven - who is kneeling on a cushion in front of me, giving me a, deliberate or accidental I wonder, view of her cleavage, and, with that, a boner.
     Before enlightenment, get wood. After enlightenment, get wood...
     "I'd like to have intercourse," she is saying to me, or is it something about the evening discourse? I'm trying to listen to her, but all I can see are those bouncing puppies and all I can think about is having hot steamy sex. I'm about to suggest this when I catch myself, and smile, and give her a little namaste bow instead. I can see she is disappointed by this, expecting more - but what - my manhood inside her or some holy words? I never was very good at reading the ladies. Hence it wasn't like I was giving up much when, on becoming a monk, I took my vow of celibacy. That pre monk, and pre Enlightened Master, me hadn't been getting any pussy either.
     So what do I do now? I'm wishing I had paid better attention to her words since she knelt down on that cushion in front of me, and actually heard a word of what she had just said.
     "Could you repeat the question please, dear one," I hear my voice softly speaking, hating this phony sometimes, but at the same time respecting his - my! - gall to have coasted along so well, and for so long now, on this impersonation.
     "It's about what you said in the discourse," she says, looking up and making sudden eye contact - this forcing me to take my eyes off her breasts. Of course, it had to have been discourse, not intercourse, she had said. Damn.
     "About the sun always shining, even when obscured by clouds..."
     Yes, yes, I nod, smiling outwardly, but internally forlorn. Mourning another false hope of fornication. With the loss of that, also the loss of its possibility of having led to a lasting love. Considering how transient that hope had been, arisen temporarily only to pass away. The eternal and true nature of everything's impermanence. The boner that had arisen having passed away.
     She's silent. I wonder if reading my mind, or having noticed the movements in my nether region.
     "Clouds?" I say.
     "Oh nevermind," she says, tutting, and is up off the cushion and off out of the door, adding to me before she closes it, "I sometimes wonder to myself just how enlightened you 'Enlightened Masters' really are!"
     I'm left alone in my lodgings, feeling, momentarily, like a fraud and a perv, but, in that next moment after this, I consider that as far as the latter goes, I can't help what thoughts might sometimes jump into my male human head - only observe them, arising and passing. Like clouds, I referred to them as in the evening discourse. Whatever these ephemeral thought clouds happen to be made of - joy or depression for instance, or lust - they will always move on sooner or later, to be replaced by new ones, I told the disciples. Also that behind all these clouds, and all of life's Maya illusion, shines the eternal light of truth.
     I wasn't just reading the spiel here. Whilst I play a false persona, I don't lie. This much they could trust me on because I am that truth, claiming this, even with my imperfections, such as, ironically enough, pretending to be a perfect Enlightened Master, whereas they still choose to identify with, and cling to, their disciple roles. They are all just as free to claim truth, and their own holiness, however, whenever they wish to.
     My moments of feeling bad about being a fraud are only brief because, to keep this game of life going, I've come to realise that we all have to be frauds. The way I see it, everyone compromises themselves here - all acting in whatever jobs or roles they are performing throughout this theatre. Forgetting in their role plays or struggles that they are wearing the masks. I'm doing the disciples a favour in not being a 24/7 Buddha of Perfection myself so they can come to see through my illusion also. Whilst I'm not an Enlightenened Master - and don't believe in any such thing - I do consider myself to be holy. And I guess this is a holier life than being a drug dealer like I was before, or a politician or banker or arms manufacturer, as a few other examples, even if overplaying the being 'enlightened'. I do well out of, but don't abuse, my position. The main crime I'm
commiting here is probably the playing 'holier than thou' instead of admitting I am just as human and fallible as anyone else in my holiness. The problem is, holy - or a holier that they can aspire up to - is what folks raised in hierarchical systems expect from their gurus, so it's either play the part or don't be a guru... As to the momentary thought of being a perv, whilst having had quite distracted and lustful thoughts, wishful thinking that nun was into me, those are nothing to feel guilty about when, on discovering that wasn't so, they were not acted on. So, with holiness still intact, I get a bit of shut eye before the ungodly hours wake up gong to play the damn chanting CD in the hall.