At Ground Zero: A Month Later

The air still smells of smoke. There are fires still burning
underground. Streets are still blocked off and there are policemen,
even state troopers, all over the highways and exits.

Today, I was at Ground Zero close up. Although I have passed the site
everyday since the Twin Towers came crashing to the ground, this was
the first time that I was actually there, "hands on" if you will.

My eyes cannot believe what they have seen and my heart is still in a
million pieces deep within my chest. My eyes are still swollen from the
tears they have shed. The pictures that you see on tv, in newspapers
and magazines are nothing compared to actually being there in person.
Huge tractor trailers coming out of the site, their backs weighted down
with bent steel and debris, dust still covering everything on the
streets, officials still at checkpoints checking vehicles that come
into the city...it's all a nightmare.

My parents are in from Nevada visiting. The day started out pleasantly
enough. It is cold and windy outside but the sun has been on our side.
We traveled up to Da Bronx, home of the Yankees and Car 54, to visit
the resting places of my grandparents. On the way back home, we stopped
off at the world famous Katz Delicatessan for lunch. This is the place
made famous in that certain scene from "When Harry Met Sally". And on
the way back, we stopped off at Ground Zero.

It is truly breathtaking in its tragic emptiness. You are compelled to
stare at the empty space and the broken buildings around it in
disbelief and horror. There are absolutely no words to describe what
these eyes have seen.

To get into Manhattan means that you have to sit in traffic (even more
so than usual) because the Brooklyn Tunnel was closed inbound. Traffic
curls up to the Brooklyn Bridge at a snail's pace. It is only natural
for people to slow down and stare at the Manhattan skyline...minus the
Towers. You can see it everyday like I do and still be compelled to
stop and stare. It just can't be helped.

Once you get into downtown, there is no avoiding noticing the beefed up
security and the acrid smell of smoke that still permeates the air. You
will notice truck after truck coming out of the Battery loaded down
with debris from Ground Zero. They will head over to the waterfront
where the debris is then transfered to barges that will take the
remains to be trashed.

There are many changes in the city since this has happened. It is not
just about our ruined skyline either. You get stopped at one checkpoint
after another and many exits are closed down. The exit to the United
Nations on the East Side off of the FDR Drive is shut down. There are
state troopers all over the place and the amount of workers still
involved at Ground Zero is enormous.

But there are still some tangible signs that not all is lost. The
Empire State Building still stands proudly, it's spire still pointing
up to Heaven. The Brooklyn Bridge, one of New York's most historic
bridges, still brings traffic from Manhattan to Brooklyn and back
again. And the Statue of Liberty still stands proudly in the harbor,
always a magestic sight. No matter how many times you see Lady Liberty,
you cannot help but be awed by her incredible beauty. She is a symbol
of freedom and it encourages me to remember that this is the greatest
country in the world.

There is no getting past what has happened. Though authorities tell us
to go about our lives in a normal way, there is no such thing as
"normal" anymore. How can there be when terrorism has us in the grip of
its hands? We are faced with the new threat of anthrax. I used to get
teased because Anthrax is one of my favorite bands. Now, I can't even
listen to them without feeling my skin crawl. They have been Anthrax
for many years, long before we even worried about any of this. Now, I
hear that they are thinking about changing their name. By no fault of
their own, their name now strikes fear in the heart of one of their
biggest fans.

We are told that more acts of terrorism will follow. E-mails are sent
out telling us to stay out of shopping malls on Halloween. Even my
parents, who flew in from Vegas late last night, were surprised by the
lack of security on this end. The scariest thing they had to worry
about? Turbulence and bad snack food on the plane.

I am presently on a three week vacation from my job and I spend every
minute of every day not relaxing but worrying about our future. It's
hard to focus on other things when I see the devastation right near me
and know that friends who were there are still missing. The reality of
it is that they will never be found. Their families will never have
closure. I don't think that I will either.

I have been sitting here at my computer on and off since coming home,
writing and watching the Yankees/Mariners game. I'm amazed that I can
see anything at all. I have not stopped crying and I am getting more
and more worried about my own welfare. This stems from the fact that I
feel so depressed right now and that my heart isn't even in my writing.
I feel like I need to talk to someone, a therapist. I feel like I may
even need an anti-depressant. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I don't
know whether I'm coming or going anymore. I can't stop watching CNN and
listening to all this horrible stuff. It has consumed my life and now,
I am suffering for it. I wish I had answers for myself. I am usually a
very happy go lucky person but right now I feel miserable. I try to
remember the things I am grateful for but it doesn't seem to
help.

Does anyone have any answers? Why did this happen?