Sofa-Isticated

Sofa-Isticated by Matthew Batchelor

Richard could feel his wife Christy becoming drier and drier as he
fucked her from behind. Not that she had been gushing with excitement
to begin with. His cock was starting to feel sore and his hamstrings
were aching from yesterday's five-a-side. This was something that they
did almost exclusively on the sofa most Sunday nights before going to
bed whilst the television in the corner mumbled sanctimoniously under
its breath. He looked down on her and wondered what was going through
her head, who she was thinking about. Richard pumped away with a
robotic work ethic. He felt himself beginning to develop a sweat and
his toes bristled in the gravel and small change in the lining of the
sofa. It reminded him that he should have a trawl before going back out
on the sales highway tomorrow. Richard refocused on Christy's backside
as the aftershocks rippled and shuddered through it with each grind. He
looked further up her pale fatted body until his eyes rested on a tiny
blemish under her left shoulder blade. His finger went to it
immediately and he rubbed it and then picked at it with his fingernail
as if it were a spot on his own body.
"Ouch!" The fucking momentarily slowed. Normally Richard and Christy
said very little during intercourse, even their courtship had been
silent but knowing. "What are you doing?"
"There was a spot on your back." Richard's hips circled as he tested
the resistance; it was increasingly strong but he persevered.
"Am I boring you to the point where you need to exfoliate me?"
Richard's rhythm slowed and he began to get soft which was, all things
considered, probably for the best. "Apparently so." Christy answered
her own question. She got up off all fours and reached for her long
T-shirt. She pulled it on, dragging it down past her knees as she
curled up in the corner of the sofa. Richard stretched out long in the
other corner of the sofa and rested his bony feet on the glass coffee
table. He was the epitome of a naked man in his own home. He could feel
a cold sweat coming on around his shoulders and every now and again he
would pinch his prick or lift up his balls for no apparent reason. They
both looked at the crap spewing out of the television and briefly
glanced round themselves and the sofa for the remote control in a kind
of lazy ballet. Eventually Richard huffed as if to say - 'This won't
do.' He made to get up but stopped when Christy broke the
silence.
"How many times do you think we've done it on this sofa?"
"Huh? I dunno, you could probably work it out though."
"Let's do that then."
"Hmmm, okay." He spoke slowly not entirely sure where this was going.
"Well we've been married for four years?"
"What's that got to do with anything? Richard, we've had this sofa
eighteen months, so that's about..." Christy counted on her fingers.
"What's eighteen times four?" Richard spoke in half numbers under his
breath and swayed his head.
"Seventy-two."
"Seventy-two weeks. We'll we don't do it every week obviously, but
let's say it's three quarters of that."
"Fifty-four."
"Richard, I'm going to say something and it's not as bad as it
sounds." Christy grabbed his big toe affectionately and waggled it.
"You have fucked me over fifty times on this sofa and I don't think
I've come once." Richard went to say something. "Wait, wait, let me
finish. It's not you."
"It's not me?"
"No honestly love, it's not."
"What's wrong then, are you okay, are we okay?" A look of grave
concern spread across his face. Christy attempted to appease him by
placing a hand on his thigh.
"Honey, I'm fine, you're fine, we're fine." Christy pointed and
whispered. "It's the sofa."
"It can't hear you, it's a sofa. Anyway, can't we go somewhere else,
go upstairs, or how about the rug down there?"
"No I like the whole sofa thing, it's just this sofa. I liked our old
one. I came lots on our old sofa."
"Hmmm?yeah it was a good sofa that."
"I remember you fucking me on the first day we got that sofa. That was
nice." Richard couldn't remember it, although he couldn't remember half
of what his wife could. What Richard could remember very clearly was
screwing Christy's sister Valerie on that sofa. Afterwards the guilt
had made him feel so sick, he could barely bring himself to sit on the
damn thing. He felt doubly sick every time Valerie and her husband
Craig came round and sat on it. Shortly afterward, Richard had
instigated the successful domestic campaign to get a new one. New sofa,
new start; only it hadn't worked out like that. Valerie still came
round and sat on their new sofa and Richard fantasized about fucking
her wildly on that one too. All this despite the fact that she'd told
him in a brief kitchen interlude, after he'd touched her backside, that
it would never happen again. Christy and Craig had no idea; it had been
fun, but never again. Somehow he believed her.
"Let's get it back."
"Get what back?"
"Our old sofa."
"You are joking right? Why don't we get a new one just like the old
one, besides, Christ knows what state it's in after all this
time."
"I know what state it's in and we both know exactly where it is." When
they first moved in together, they simply had too much stuff to squeeze
into their small house and the unit was literally a second
garage.
"You've been thinking about this for a while haven't you?" His wife
smiled and nodded frantically in response. What could he do? He didn't
want to deny her any happiness even if it was at the expense of his and
this was obviously important to her. The thing with Valerie had
happened over three years ago. Perhaps if he didn't make a big thing of
it in his mind, he couldn't see the harm in it. Despite all this he
tested the water playfully. "And what if I said no?"
"I'd leave you and hate you forever."
"I thought you'd say that."

***

Richard returned home from the road that next evening. Christy greeted
him with the news.
"It's all worked out."
"What is?" He been hoping that last night's conversation would become
a pipe dream like so many others. Unfortunately, his experience was
that when Christy was set on an idea, he could rely on her to deliver
before the idea was even fully discussed.
"The sofa silly."
"Great." Richard tried desperately to hide his disappointment. "We'll
need a van and I'll need to take out the front window again."
"All sorted, this Saturday. We'll put the newer one in the garage just
in case for now, I don't think it will fit in the lock up, plus we'll
get Terry next door to keep an eye out while we're gone."
"If that's what you want."
"It is."

***

It had taken all morning to unpick the putty around the glass and with
Terry's help ease the huge pane out. They had then moved the new sofa
to the garage.
"What's this all about mate?" said Terry.
"Don't ask mate. She'll have me redecorating the garage next."
Lifting out the sofa, he felt bad about not giving her one orgasm in
over fifty attempts, his own wounded ego felt worse. This was surely
the least he could do.
Richard sat in the rental van outside the massive red brick tobacco
factory turned storage facility thinking about what he was doing here.
Christy was late, very late. She'd been at work all morning and was
meeting him at the storage facility on her way back. His mobile phone
rang. Christy.
"Hi." Her tone implied a forthcoming apology.
"What's wrong?"
"Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
"Bad news, just don't end with a song."
"I've got to work on. Two of the girls have gone sick, there's nothing
I can do."
"And the good news?"
"Valerie's coming to help you?"
"Valerie?" Why Valerie, why not Craig?"
"Craig's at work. Don't worry I called Valerie a while ago and she'll
be there soon, she's just left work." Richard hung up. It always amazed
him how that sisterly communication thing worked. If he'd known, he'd
have called up one of his mates. A nervous rhythm was subconsciously
drummed out on the steering wheel with his fingertips and he wondered
if Christy and Valerie had spoken about the you know what. It was true
that as sisters they weren't especially close. Christy was girl next
door with confidence, Valerie was more vamp next door with attitude. He
spotted Valerie's low profile sports car pull into the yard and flash
its lights. Richard suddenly realised that this was just about the only
time since the you know what that they had been alone anywhere. He
watched her get out of the car and make her way towards the van in her
dark sunglasses. He wound down the window and looked down at her. He
could see Valerie's pale, nearly translucent skin under what appeared
to be a business like jacket and skirt.
"Richard."
"Valerie. Shall we?"
"Let's."
The sofa itself was nothing special. Its main feature was its size and
its comfortableness. The fabric was deep red, its cushions bulky and
giving. The arms were low enough for a head to rest on whilst lying
along the length. Its back was low enough to drape a languid arm. It
sat where it had been left in the front of the storage bay facing them.
Richard removed a few lampshades and small boxes from it and placed
them at the back. Valerie hung back.
"So how do you want to do this?" Valerie asked, taking off her
jacket.
"Well, if I lift?" He turned. Valerie stood with a hand on her hip, in
her bra. The grating sound of the falling shutter and the absolute
darkness shocked the breath out of him. Valerie was on him in an
instant. A firm hand on his denim packet, an electric eel inside his
mouth, a thigh up on his hip. Her weight pushed him back onto the sofa.
Valerie fell with him and hitched her skirt so that she could straddle
him and push her pelvic bone into his swelling groin. Richard spread
his thighs and in doing so spread hers. He reached between her legs for
her cunt and encountered her wetness immediately. No knickers; she'd
planned this. Fuck, who cares? Richard fucked her with his thumb and
stroked her anus with his middle finger.
Richard had been a late starter when it came to sex. He hadn't managed
to lose his virginity until he was twenty-one at University and that
had been a struggle. Once over the first hurdle, he relaxed and didn't
have sex for another year. At the crux of the issue was the fact that
he was lazy; he could take it or leave it. Until that was, he met
Valerie. He'd never met anyone who made his dick wet just by standing
next to him. He couldn't admit it, but their chemistry troubled him
deeply. When she visited he found himself migrating to Christy's bosom
as if it were a sanctuary.
"Oh fuck." Valerie breathed into his ear and Richard took in the smell
of her perfume as he leant into her neck. She pulled back and he felt
her take hold of his hand, sucking and licking at his fingers as she
eased herself off his lap onto her knees. Richard hurriedly unbuckled
himself. He kicked off his shoes so that they crashed against the
shutter in quick succession. Valerie was on him again, kissing his
rigid cock, fondling his tight balls. He thought he was going to come
there and then. He took a deep breath and found himself thinking about
the spot on Christy's back. Richard felt his heart beat against the
flat palm that Valerie had under his t-shirt on his chest. She
straddled him once more, teasing the tip of his cock with her folds,
until she was ready to impale herself. Richard gripped the cushions on
each side of him with both hands and hung on for dear life.

***

Richard lost sight of Valerie as she sped off up the ring road ahead of
him. Richard's mobile buzzed as he drove the van back home. He was
expecting it to be her but it was Christy, she was at home.
"Everything go alright?"
"Fine, yeah. The hardest part was getting it out of the storage
container."
"Good, Craig's here now, he's going to help you in with the
sofa."
"Is he? Excellent." As brother-in-laws went Craig was seriously
alright; as a boss he was better. Richard hated to admit it but he
enjoyed Craig's company more than some of his older friends. He was a
Geordie and a self made businessman. He'd made his money renting alloy
wheels to people who couldn't afford to buy them. Richard was his sales
manager and over the last four years they had become as thick as fog.
It seemed almost inevitable that Valerie would figure in proceedings
before long. Richard now knew that she was not one to pass up on such a
lucrative opportunity.
He pulled up to see Valerie and Craig's matching sports cars, proudly
cluttering the street outside of his house. It seemed they were taking
the piss out his standard coupe. The conversation stopped as Richard
came into the kitchen to find all three of them sipping tea. He looked
at Craig. "You fit then?" Craig nodded. It took them a few minutes to
get the sofa out the back of the van. Richard grabbed the cushions and
tossed them through the empty front room window frame.
"How we gonna do this?" said Richard.
"We'll lift one end onto the window frame, then, I'll go inside and
we'll shove it through." Craig always took charge in such
situations.
"Sounds like a plan." The sofa was lifted up onto the frame and
Richard went back inside to lift it through. There was a tearing sound.
They both stopped immediately and peered round the sofa at each other
in horror.
"It's probably just the lining underneath, you'll never see it." Craig
said reassuringly and Richard nodded. They hauled the majority of the
sofa through the window until one end rested on the carpet inside.
Craig came round and stood with hands on hips as Richard crouched under
the makeshift ramp to investigate the damage.
"It's nothing, just a small tear." He ran his finger along the edge
and was surprised to find a piece of paper. He tugged at it. It was a
twenty pound note. He reached his whole hand inside standing up a few
moments later with a fistful of assorted notes. It was the last thing
Richard expected to see.
"Where d'you get that?" Richard could see that Craig was fascinated by
money, it was in his blood; that's what made him a good
businessman.
"Inside the sofa. Wait there." Richard went to the lounge door and
called through to the kitchen. "Christy, come here a sec' will you?" As
soon as she saw Richard with the handful of cash she stopped and
grabbed a door frame to steady herself.
"Do you know anything about this? It was in the sofa." Christy looked
incapable of speech, she turned on her heel and made for the kitchen.
The door slammed behind her and Richard could hear raised voices.
"How much is there?" Richard turned back to Craig who was emptying the
sofa of cash like it was a shopping trolley at Christmas.
"Fuckin' loads, well more than I paid you last year." The draft
through the window had started to blow the big pile of cash around like
a blizzard.
"And what's this?" Craig held up a little black book. "This'll
probably give us a total." Richard went over and snatched it out of his
hand and opened it. Immediately he wished he hadn't. Each page was
dated and ruled into three columns. Each column was headed with three
words. Listed in the columns was the damage spelt out in plain
terms.

Name Service Amount
Dave P Relief ?120
Keith L Massage (BJ) ?200
Allan C Full ?380
Terry M Full ?150
Jimmy R Relief ?120
AJP Massage Only ?50

It was Richard's turn to be speechless. The notebook fell from his
limp hand to the floor. He didn't even have a sofa to fall back on so
he staggered like a drunk and fell onto his backside and leant against
the wall in shock as the money continued to swirl around him like
confetti. Craig picked up the book and opened it.
"What are you so shocked for?" Richard came to when he realised he was
being spoken to.
"What do you mean, you've seen the book."
"Yes I have Richard and it's Valerie's handwriting."
"Valerie?"
"Yeah, looks like she's up to her old tricks again."
"Again? She's done this before? Aren't you angry?"
"Angry? Why should I be? I knew what she was when I met her. We were
honest with each other. You didn't know did you? Oh Richard I knew you
were na?ve but?"
"Craig mate, I'm not the na?ve one here. I think it's fairly obvious
to anyone that she's still at it big time. She's been working out of
the storage facility. This sofa never used to be full of money."
"Richard, you still don't get it do you? It's your storage facility,
it's your sofa. Draw your own conclusions. I don't suppose you knew
that Valerie and Christy used to work together either?"
"Fuck off."
"You poor bastard. You really didn't know did you?"
Richard run out the front door, circled the house and burst into the
garage not wanting to lay eyes on his wife. He reached for his trusty
Stanley knife and ripped through the fabric of the new sofa. He stirred
swathes of notes as if he was swirling round the water in a bath until
he found a black book adorned with Christy's handwriting. Craig
appeared at his shoulder.
"You should take some time off." Craig patted him on the back.

***

"Why did you put it all in the sofas?" Richard pumped away at his
wife's behind. She had been right, now they were back on their old
sofa, the sex felt ten times better.
"You've gotta hide these sort of things from the taxman, the law, your
husband."
"I'm not happy about this you know."
"I know but the only reason we've got everything that we have is
because of it, even your job."
"What? How do you make that out?"
"Where do you think Craig got the money to start his business?"
"I think he was a bit miffed to think that half the five-a-side lot
had been with her, when he found Valerie's book." Christy looked back
over her shoulder with beady eyes.
"You'd tell me if you'd been with her wouldn't you?"
"Of course darling."
"Oh and another thing, it was nice to see that you at least gave Terry
a discount."
"Stop it!" Christy said as she reached back and slapped him. "That
reminds me, you do realize that we'll have to get this sofa cleaned."
Christy looked around herself and sniffed the arm of the sofa.
"Yuk I hadn't thought of that."
"By the way, I'm not being charged by the minute here am I?"
"Damn right you are."
And with that Christy began to come. Richard peered off the edge of
the other sofa at the floor. Beneath them Valerie was rimming Craig as
he bent over facing the television. He had an intense look on his
face.
"Have you done it yet?" Richard asked.
"Not yet, give me a chance." Craig grimaced and shortly shouted in
delight. "There!" He slung the Playstation controller into a corner of
the room as the screen lit up with fireworks.
"Now let's get down to business."