X Marks The Plot

"Let me tell you this plot for this movie idea I've got."

"OK, is it gonna take long?"

"Nope."

"Am I gonna need my brain?"

"You won't need your brain and I'm not sure that the audience will
either."

"Assuming you get one, come on let's have it."

"OK. Kid A has a heavy crush on Kid B, but the feelings are unrequited,
but Kid A has something that Kid B wants."

"How old are these kids?"

"American high school, you know that sort of shit."

"Uh huh."

"Kid A's brother is a musician for this teen boy band."

"He's in a boy band?"

"Yes, but no, he's in the backing band, but he's the best friend of Kid
C who is in the boy band and he's what the girl, Kid B wants."

"Nice."

"So Kid A doesn't figure. He's so transfixed by her, he doesn't think
twice when she asks him out. He just thinks he's the luckiest kid in
the world."

"Like you and Jennifer Gregory in the third grade?"

"Fuck you and yes."

"Then what?"

"She starts hanging round his house waiting for our boy band boy to
show up and meanwhile, Kid A can't even get to first base."

"Like you and Jennifer&;#8230;"

"Once again fuck you and yes. Anyway Kid A overhears the love of his
life slagging him off and revealing her motives for going out with
her."

"Yeah."

"And he thinks, right, I'm gonna have this bitch for dinner."

"He's gonna chop her up and kill her right?"

"It's a good job you're not a screenwriter."

"Touch? my friend."

"And so it goes on. Kid A goes to his brother and Kid C and tells them
the story and they're like 'fucking bitch' and they decide to
help."

"Now we're getting there."

"Kid A and our boy band boy Kid C cruise past the school in a record
company sportscar and pick up the little bitch in front of all of her
friends."

"I see where you're going?"

"You do?"

"No I was humouring you. Carry on."

"They go pick up some booze, maybe some coke and drive out to the
desert or the hills, whatever, to get loaded."

"Nothing strange in that. What's the big idea?"

"Kid C, boy band boy, is driving. He's tanked and edgy, maybe it's the
coke. The idea was for Kid C to come on to the girl and then blow her
out and leave her in the desert as a lesson."

"But it gets out of hand?"

"Whaddya know, Kid C tries to rape her, Kid A tries to protect her.
There's a lot of bad feeling out there in that desert."

"I can imagine."

"Just as the dust settles, a cop car pulls up. Kid C panics, he's
really loaded now and his lucrative bullshit pop singing career is
about to go pop. He goes to the trunk of the cop car and gets out a
shot gun."

"He shoots them all right?"

"Wrong, he kills the cop, the other two get away."

"I know I was only fucking, of course he kills the cop."

"The other two, after a few tense moments get in the cop car."

"Let me guess, no let me. There ensues a moment of hilarity when
neither of them realise they can drive but they manage it somehow and
within seconds he can pull a handbrake turn like Steve McQueen?"

"Perfect."

"So what then? Car chase home followed by fight and death of evil boy
band boy only to be followed by resurrection of evil boy band boy and
his inevitable death?"

"Now you're getting the hang of this, perhaps you should be a
screenwriter?"

"My endings are lousy."

"Ok how about this. Evil boy band boy is truly dead and the good guys
are exonerated immediately as they always are. Press and TV are milling
about in the background. Brief clip of TV interview with our hero, who
incidentally has done nothing heroic or honourable to date. Enter
record company executive who's been chatting with Kid A's brother, the
musician. 'Hey kid, can you sing? No matter, give me a call.' He's the
new replacement for evil boy band boy."

"Now that is evil."

"Not as evil as the ending."

"That wasn't the end?"

"No way man, far too cheesy. Kid A picks up Kid B, the girl in the
record company sportscar, now a boy band superstar himself and as they
drive off they reveal to the audience with some glib line that it was
planned from the start."

"Ok, like it. So what we have is and evil boy band boy killed by a
wannabe evil boy band boy."

"Exactly."

"Proving."

"Every boy in a boy band is evil."

"Fancy another beer?"

"Why not?"