My Dinosaur Era Chapter 1 *Rewrite*

 

come up to my place

 

up?

 

yeah, there’s a hill, you ok with a hill

 

I followed her up

she pushed her bike

she was the parade

people came out to watch

how she bumped up that hill

 

we had only met the week before

friend of a friend

glances across a pub garden

so small that she had to peek over elbows

on tip toes

to get a glimpse of me

I caught her eye

at least I think I did

 

at the top of the hill

we sat on her sofa

watched music videos

 

I baulked

when she said she hated reggae

she looked me in the eye for the first time

 

it’s the downstroke, timmy, it just makes me shudder

 

as courtships go

it was the lowest of all the keys

 

I had a girlfriend at home

even though we were falling apart

we fought each weekend

middle class warfare

barbs at fifty paces

silent treatment that stretched into monday

dissolved by tuesday night

 

I knew the answer was not

to elope with the first woman

who showed me a moment of attention

however sweet it may have been

 

and ginny was sweet alright

her hair was long then

below her shoulders

down to her arse

almost

scrunchy auburn with strands of blonde

 

she wore jean shorts that day

her thighs lightly toasted by the sun

a tee shirt

so crumpled

as if she’d sat on it all day

to get that exact look

her lips were dry 

you could hear her clank against the can

as she put lager to her mouth

when she went to the fridge

I watched her move

across the room

I stared without staring

 

we watched more videos

we sat perfectly still

as if one of us moving might break a spell

that we might shatter and turn to dust

 

I babbled about the music

thinking I might impress her

she drank beer

the rest of her face stayed still

I retreated into silence

stupid man

talking stupidness

be mysterious for god’s sake

 

I left after a couple of hours

giddy with dilemma

I doubled back past her window

almost as if to go back in

to throw open the door in a grand gesture

already wanting to prove my phantom love for her

 

look at me, I am here and I matter

 

I could see her

looking so tiny

even on a two seater sofa

her cat walked along the windowsill

eyed me

discomforted me with its gaze

warding me off

go home, stranger

go home now before you fall

 

I didn’t go home

not right away

I went to a pub I had never been to before

drank awful shots with a grateful barman

him, glad that his weekday night had been enlivened

by this random man with things on his mind

me, reassured that someone was listening

 

there was a sadness between us

there was tequila between us

after a few, I stumbled up a different hill

down the other side to where I lived

 

I was met with a silent hatred

that emanated from the bedroom

missing hours

hours I could not explain away

 

her, prosecco in hand

pyjamas already on at seven in the evening 

stabbing me from our sofa

I walked back out

drank wine alone in the kitchen

wondered

if ginny’s cat was still patrolling her outer perimeter

 

ten years have passed

since I followed ginny up that hill

 

I still wonder about that afternoon

me and ginny

sat silently together

if I had reached out a hand

would she have taken it cleanly

or would she have stiffened like a flag in a gale

 

if I had gone in to kiss her

even just touch her neck with my mouth

would she have let her head tilt

accepting me into her

 

I think about this at times

on days when I am lonesome

which is often

when perhaps the world

is pinning me to my sheets

it’s a hobby of sorts

 

I could just ask her

 

she’s sat on the counter of my kitchen

swigging a bottle of san miguel

whilst I attempt to roll a spliff on the coffee table

I don’t know why she always sits on the counter like that

I have a sofa and an armchair

 

ginny

 

no response

I try again

 

ginny

 

she is selectively deaf and the music is on loud

pixies

she squints over at me

she needs glasses

she’ll never get them

 

what?

 

can you build this? I’ve fucked this one up

 

eye roll, jumps off the counter

looks over my attempt to do soft drugs

 

why do you even try? you are so shit at this

 

she scoops up the strewn components

she smiles, her wonky smile

I look down over the tobacco mess

the hash debris

I shrug

 

I dunno, I always think one day I’ll magically be good at it

 

she looks over at me

 

babe, you’re fifty two, it ain’t gonna happen

 

we walk to the bar, we are seeing a band

a friend of ours is the bassist

well, a friend of hers

she knows everyone in town

I merely become entangled in her slipstream

this is how it has been for all these years

me following her around

her appearing in my life every few months

 

between times she cuts me out

for reasons that I never fully comprehend.

one time I was banished for a year because 

apparently

I didn’t say goodbye one night

though I only found this out after I had served my sentence

 

I accept it as part of all this now

her non sequitur temper

her iridescent spirit

trailing off into each dark night. 

 

two lagers please