My Dinosaur Era Chapter 18
By beanzie
- 23 reads
six thirty two am
this monday is already dire
the shittest one ever
stagger to the sink, force cold water into my mouth
the brandy bottle sits empty on the side, not all me
ginny had a fair crack at it
sleep fitful, rotating like a hot chicken all night
dreamt about finding petula’s phone
riding into town like a knight of yore
samsung galaxy held high in my fist
what a fucking hero
I check my phone, nothing going on
another day waiting, wondering, creasing myself in two
it cannot be, no, it cannot be
need to look for a job, don’t want a job
don’t want this either
scared to check bank account, already been rinsing my savings
might have four grand left, a couple of months of survival
nausea coming up from nowhere, not hangover this time
helplessness, being chucked around by a rough sea
buffeted by events, my heart stinks, atrophied, lost in brine
fuck money, fuck work, fuck petula’s lost phone
paths everywhere, all directions, staring at signs
missing all the meaning
monday you sicken me, already, even in your infancy
you’ve made me no promises, only ever told me lies
brand new week, looking shiny before the drudge resurfaces
more booze, more holes in the dark, my god, my god
can I become a citizen, please, grant me that
phone is ringing, mum calling, it’s seven am
did someone die, answer
hello mum, are you ok, I say
oh hello love, yes I’m fine, how are you, she says
fine, fine, you know it’s very early, right, I say
oh sorry, I thought you’d be up by now, being monday, ready for work, she says
yeah, yeah, I was just getting ready, I say, I lie, coward man
I just wanted to tell you that I’m going for a scan on my hip this afternoon, she says
right, ok, well, I hope it’s ok, I say
it has been a pain for a while, hasn’t it, be good to get it sorted, she says
yes mum, it will, I say
look, sorry, you must be busy, just wanted to let you know, she says
yeah, sure, I hope it goes well, I say
thanks, bye, speak soon, she says
three thirty tuesday morning, let there be hope
monday left me, I stare at its behind as it sidles away
monday, you were full of shit, two bottles of wine
on special at the co-op
a chinese meal, full of anticipation
the reality a greasy slide to guts
an hour looking at the laptop, idle job search
every avenue repulsed me, innards turning away
rampant heartburn had me propped up on pillows
in my home hospital bed, gagging on the reflux
deep fried shredded beef, the almost silent killer
silence from petula, she’s out there somewhere
one message from ginny, never replied, there were no words
I fumble for my phone, another message from ginny
are you ok, don’t ignore me or I will cry
sent at midnight, drunken worry, sweet
probably forgotten she sent it by morning
reply, yeah, fine, had a shit boring fucking monday
up,out, walking, four am, need air
streets look clean, rain has filtered the dirt away
gutters full of monday’s grime
light from the twenty four shop
the only shop in town with no door
inside, man behind the counter smiles
a sleepy smile, I nod, walk the aisles
seven and a half percent booze caffeinated cans
flashing at me from the fridges
buy me
drink me
start a new life
I take two tins
double cream for coffee
protein bar for balance
back along the road, plastic bag swinging
gulls awakening, screaming at the sky
want to join in, get the shit out of my throat
walk down to the sea, sit in a shelter
facing the beach, the bubbling sea
how would it feel to be amongst the foamy waves
to allow them to envelop me
suck me deep into them, stroking my face as I went deeper
shivering, I crack a can, let the sweet poison inside me
gullet still burning from shiny chinese fare
deep breath, hide the pain
phone buzzes, message from ginny
glad you are ok, I feel awful, thank fuck I’m off today, why are you awake
dunno, just awake, sat on the seafront drinking dirty drinks
where are you exactly, I’ll come down
first shelter by the lawns
we sit together, ginny with her dirty drinks, me with mine
why the fuck are we awake, she says
I think I fell asleep dead early, like nine, I say
hmm, I was working till nine, had three pints, went to bed at midnight, she says
I thought you were drunk when you messaged me at midnight, I say
what, because I was worried about you, she says
yeah, I guess, I say
idiot, I can have genuine feelings when I am sober too, she says
yeah, yeah, I know, sorry, I say
no news from petula then, she says
nothing, I think she’s slipped away, I say
it all sounds dodgy to me, babe, she says
I know, I keep trying to figure it out but how can I, I say
you can’t, you barely know her, you have fuck all to go on, she says
maybe I should got to bilbao, I keep thinking about it, I say
obviously that is just running away but I am all for running away, she says
heh, yeah, it is, but running away to where the food and drink is better, I say
better than this shit we’re drinking, surely not, she says
we clank our cans together, smiling, almost laughing
can I stay at your place, just for a few hours, she says
sure, I say
I feel like I don’t want to be alone right now, she says
same here, sweetheart, same here, I say
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