My Dinosaur Era Chapter 18

 

six thirty two am

this monday is already dire

the shittest one ever

stagger to the sink, force cold water into my mouth

the brandy bottle sits empty on the side, not all me

ginny had a fair crack at it

sleep fitful, rotating like a hot chicken all night

dreamt about finding petula’s phone

riding into town like a knight of yore

samsung galaxy held high in my fist

what a fucking hero

 

I check my phone, nothing going on

another day waiting, wondering, creasing myself in two

it cannot be, no, it cannot be

need to look for a job, don’t want a job

don’t want this either

scared to check bank account, already been rinsing my savings

might have four grand left, a couple of months of survival

 

nausea coming up from nowhere, not hangover this time

helplessness, being chucked around by a rough sea

buffeted by events, my heart stinks, atrophied, lost in brine

fuck money, fuck work, fuck petula’s lost phone

paths everywhere, all directions, staring at signs

missing all the meaning

 

monday you sicken me, already, even in your infancy

you’ve made me no promises, only ever told me lies

brand new week, looking shiny before the drudge resurfaces

more booze, more holes in the dark, my god, my god

can I become a citizen, please, grant me that

 

phone is ringing, mum calling, it’s seven am

did someone die, answer

hello mum, are you ok, I say

oh hello love, yes I’m fine, how are you, she says

fine, fine, you know it’s very early, right, I say

oh sorry, I thought you’d be up by now, being monday, ready for work, she says

yeah, yeah, I was just getting ready, I say, I lie, coward man

I just wanted to tell you that I’m going for a scan on my hip this afternoon, she says

right, ok, well, I hope it’s ok, I say

it has been a pain for a while, hasn’t it, be good to get it sorted, she says

yes mum, it will, I say

look, sorry, you must be busy, just wanted to let you know, she says

yeah, sure, I hope it goes well, I say

thanks, bye, speak soon, she says

 

three thirty tuesday morning, let there be hope

monday left me, I stare at its behind as it sidles away

monday, you were full of shit, two bottles of wine

on special at the co-op

a chinese meal, full of anticipation

the reality a greasy slide to guts

an hour looking at the laptop, idle job search

every avenue repulsed me, innards turning away

rampant heartburn had me propped up on pillows

in my home hospital bed, gagging on the reflux

deep fried shredded beef, the almost silent killer

silence from petula, she’s out there somewhere

one message from ginny, never replied, there were no words

 

I fumble for my phone, another message from ginny

are you ok, don’t ignore me or I will cry

sent at midnight, drunken worry, sweet

probably forgotten she sent it by morning

reply, yeah, fine, had a shit boring fucking monday

 

up,out, walking, four am, need air

streets look clean, rain has filtered the dirt away

gutters full of monday’s grime

light from the twenty four shop

the only shop in town with no door

inside, man behind the counter smiles

a sleepy smile, I nod, walk the aisles

seven and a half percent booze caffeinated cans

flashing at me from the fridges

buy me

drink me

start a new life

I take two  tins

double cream for coffee

protein bar for balance

 

back along the road, plastic bag swinging

gulls awakening, screaming at the sky

want to join in, get the shit out of my throat

walk down to the sea, sit in a shelter

facing the beach, the bubbling sea

how would it feel to be amongst the foamy waves

to allow them to envelop me

suck me deep into them, stroking my face as I went deeper

shivering, I crack a can, let the sweet poison inside me

gullet still burning from shiny chinese fare

deep breath, hide the pain

 

phone buzzes, message from ginny

 

glad you are ok, I feel awful, thank fuck I’m off today, why are you awake

 

dunno, just awake, sat on the seafront drinking dirty drinks

 

where are you exactly, I’ll come down

 

first shelter by the lawns

 

we sit together, ginny with her dirty drinks, me with mine

why the fuck are we awake, she says

I think I fell asleep dead early, like nine, I say

hmm, I was working till nine, had three pints, went to bed at midnight, she says

I thought you were drunk when you messaged me at midnight, I say

what, because I was worried about you, she says

yeah, I guess, I say

idiot, I can have genuine feelings when I am sober too, she says

yeah, yeah, I know, sorry, I say

no news from petula then, she says

nothing, I think she’s slipped away, I say

it all sounds dodgy to me, babe, she says

I know, I keep trying to figure it out but how can I, I say

you can’t, you barely know her, you have fuck all to go on, she says

maybe I should got to bilbao, I keep thinking about it, I say

obviously that is just running away but I am all for running away, she says

heh, yeah, it is, but running away to where the food and drink is better, I say

better than this shit we’re drinking, surely not, she says

we clank our cans together, smiling, almost laughing

can I stay at your place, just for a few hours, she says

sure, I say

I feel like I don’t want to be alone right now, she says

same here, sweetheart, same here, I say