My Dinosaur Era Chapter 2 *Rewrite*

 

the ten years in between left me in tatters

broken daily by the shit I consumed

great beers to bad porn

they ate away at me

I lay down and allowed them

 

I drifted around the place

from damp flats in dagenham

to damper ones in the hills that overlooked brighton

I fled each container

looking for safety in a new box

 

the first brighton flat felt like wet paper

paper so sodden that it might collapse on me as I slept

slugs rising up from the skirting boards

licking my ears as I lay hungover

on sheets that clung to me

I felt like a plague was taking me in those days

my will terrified to intervene

my eyes wide open yet seeing nothing

 

one wednesday afternoon

when the shower stopped working

I packed a rucksack

went to gatwick on the national express

took a cheap flight to bilbao

a place that I had longed for

from the lens provided by the internet

southern spain seemed too raucous 

too full of brits

there’s bangers and mash at home

 

I sat by the river eating delicious food

balanced on tiny bits of bread

didn’t know they were pintxos

or how the hell you pronounce it

 

I tipped luscious rioja wine down my throat

wandered around the guggenheim

smiled drunkenly at the basque people

striding around

going about their days

 

back home, the flat was seeping still

I imagined it underwater

shoals of fish swimming through broken windows

a frog sat in the sink

 

I never went back to that place but I did leave spain

the money ran out

so did the thrill of cosplaying a holiday

when in truth I was just hiding

 

I stayed with my sister in Hove

her sofa so deep and kind

she hated me being there

just for a couple of weeks I promise

I lied, no great plan to save me

 

I took a job selling shit to people

people who rarely wanted to accept that particular gift

plugged into my desk by means of a headset

a contraption that gripped you firmly

even when you took it off at half five

 

one bloke went to the pub at lunchtime

with his headset still on

gulping pints with the  wire clanking against his glass

not sure anyone else even noticed or maybe, like me

thought it best to keep quiet

 

I had to pretend that I knew about finance

solely to trick people into taking another call

about some made up thing 

a new dimension where the money is endless

where everything grows on trees

 

it should have sickened me more than it did

 

you’d have to be a greedy fool to fall for that

so my conscience sat quietly in the corner

as I dribbled down the line

the worst thing was

I was good at it

they believed me

                

after seven months

I went to the pub with my headset on

I never went back

they billed me fourteen ninety nine

for the unreturned equipment

 

I earned enough to rent a new flat that was above sea level

ninety two stairs up, regency splendour

sub let to the poor and needy

from the balcony I could see the battered old pier

its remnants struggling to stay in place with each gust of wind

 

a flatmate, samantha

never call her sam

her young daughter, whose name I forget now

who screamed in the night

all smiles in the morning

washing machine on the whole time

washing up almost touching the ceiling

 

I started growing mushrooms in a cupboard in my room

a small distraction from this world

buttons of magic on a shelf

    

walking along the seafront lawns

the grass flashed purple

the pier waved at me

I was high enough to look down

not too high to fall off

 

sam found the shrooms

her outrage made me shudder

I had to leave

 

my daughter though

what about my daughter

she cried

at the fungi

 

I packed my bags

clutched my jars against my chest on the bus

I munched a mushroom, raw

tasted like fresh soil

washed it down with a can of gin and tonic

a belch emerged from within me

a woman looked round and wondered what I had said

as the air filled with juniper and substrate. 

 

back to my sister’s, just a couple of weeks

I pleaded again, her

worried that I’d fart on her john lewis couch

spill red wine on the fifty quid a metre carpet

reluctantly she smiled

her teeth gritted tight

 

after a month, she left me a note

she was going on holiday for a week

I had to be gone before she was back

we were never close

each of us recalling our childhoods with different filters

growing apart each year

until we were strangers

all over again

 

I went to ginny’s place for the first time in two years

not even sure if she was speaking to me at the time

I needed somewhere to stay I said as she opened the door

she looked at me, a single nod

 

not here

 

you can stay with jane, you'll like jane