My Dinosaur Era Chapter 30

 

are you sure you want to do this, says ginny

I am not sure, how can I be sure, should have asked more

surely patrycja knows something else

maybe she said something, let something slip

should I call patrycja, get a heads up

no, have to trust myself, fuck

where can I run to

yet, the thought of seeing petula

here, of all the fucking places

thrills me so, she’s back in my head, that big weird face

which isn’t big or weird

it’s kind, open, smooth

 

I think so, I say

ginny takes my hand, we are sat at the hotel bar

the man that is always rushing has served us drinks

and now he rushes around the tables, wiping

picking up napkins, smiling at people wandering the lobby

you’ll come with me, won’t you, I say

of course I will, darling, of course I will, she says

thank you, I say

I have a gin and tonic, a strange choice, fancied bubbles

ginny has a beer, just the bottle, the glass stays untouched on the bar

she drinks from it nonchalantly, I try to copy her carefree state

finger my drink lightly, sip it, imagining that I look aloof

when my insides are dancing like crazy

inside I want to get back in the shower and hide under the streams

I guess we should go then, I say

yes, she says

we get up from our bar stools, still holding hands

walk out of the hotel, into the last of the evening sun

people will look at us and take us for lovers

and so we are, in this way of ours

 

we walk slowly, my legs are tense

they’re not even sure if they want to take me there

I watch the boats on the river

wonder where they are going

I could go with them

there’s a ferry that goes back to england

not down this river though

the river is for the tourist boats

full of people in sunglasses

taking photos of the bridges, the museum

 

can we stop for a drink, my legs feel fucked, I say

yeah, we’ve a bit of time, she won’t rush off anywhere, says ginny

we sit outside a small bar on the outskirts of the old town

ginny manically rolls a cigarette on the table

I gulp from my kalimotxo

imagine how petula will look when I see her

 

timmy, says ginny

 

hmm, yeah, I say

 

you know earlier, when we were in bed, when you were touching my arse

 

how could I forget

 

do you think if patrycja hadn't turned up, we would have fucked

 

no, I don’t think so, but you know, anything could have happened

 

yeah, I don’t think so too, it’s just so strange for me to feel, I dunno, like so moved by a simple touch, without it feeling like, yeah, I wanna fuck

 

well, have you ever tried it before

 

I suppose not, maybe more with women but never with a fella

 

I only really tried with jane, it felt so natural but yeah, before that, it was always a prelude to sex and then that’s when things would fuck up

 

how so

 

because a seemingly perfectly reasonable person can turn into a crazy person once they have had sex with someone, and I include myself in that

 

do you think sex is bad then

 

not inherently so, no, but it is all everyone ever talks about, it’s what the world is obsessed with, right, no wonder it makes us go nuts

 

so, you kinda gave up on fucking

 

I wouldn’t put it like that, I had got to a point where sex was more stressful than it was worth, that the fallout for me and for others was disproportionate, and then you put me with jane, and that made sense, we did something altogether alternative, without ever meaning to

 

so you never had a conversation with her about sex

 

no, I sometimes wanted to, but it really didn’t feel necessary

 

and petula, have you ever spoke to her about sex

 

no, we held hands, you took the piss of course but that was as far as we wanted to go

 

how do you know that is as far as she wanted to go, she may have been dying for you to ravish her

 

maybe, but I didn’t get those vibes at all, if she thought that and it was a problem, she’d either had said or stopped seeing me

 

and is that what you thought happened when she disappeared

 

yes, absolutely, I thought I’d got it totally wrong somehow

 

and now she's followed you all the way here

 

yeah, so, now I don’t know what is going on with her

 

well, we’ll find out soon

 

yeah, we will