My Dinosaur Era Chapter 35

 

we walk down to the beach

petula drops in next to me

patrycja and ginny up ahead

we turn a corner at the end of a street

the bay opens up in front of us

yellow sand stretches out below the blue sky

patrycja comes to us, gives us her and ginny’s bags

we are going to find her a dress, before she cries, says patrycja

she has her arm around ginny

marches her away

calls back over her shoulder

see you soon, I’ll find you, she says

it’s still early, only a few people on the beach

we walk along the promenade for a while

so, I may as well start, says petula

ok, if you are sure, I say

I am, she says

good, I say

but just let me get it all out, as best I can anyway, you need to know the whole story, she says

 

when I moved to brighton, I didn’t know anyone, literally no one

I found a room on a website, sharing with two other women

they were lovely but they did their own thing

I landed a job almost straight away, it was doing admin and stuff

an engineering company in town, swish offices, I felt like a grown up

which is daft because I had turned forty by then

of course I’m a grown up, right

the work was easy, I just messed about with spreadsheets

smiled a lot, went on coffee runs, that sort of thing

one guy, jonathan, one of the engineers, used to hang around

chat to me, he was sweet, not pervy, just nice I guess

eventually he asked me out, I said yes

we went out a few times, I remember thinking, this is not the man for me

because, you know, he was nice but we had nothing in common

the usual shit but also, I thought, why not, I’ve had some awful men

ones that cheated on me, threatened me, hit me, this jonny

he’ll be lovely, it’ll be safe

so I moved in with him, just like that, more or less straight after we first had sex

it was kind of exciting, living in a nice house, having a respectable boyfriend

mum met him, adored him

she seemed proud of me for the first time

 

so, months went by, I was bored out of my head at work

I told jonny and he said, just leave then, find something you love

so I did, I quit, started writing music stuff in brighton for a website

eventually landed a job with a magazine in dublin

I was like their south of england correspondent, it was a dream

after a while, they started to send me to gigs up north

then over to the netherlands, germany sometimes

jonny hated it when I went away, 

accused me of fucking people after gigs

it was beyond a bit of separation anxiety

like, he was nasty, this sweet man who was so kind to me

was becoming a monster, right in front of me

the thing is, I blamed myself

he’d been so kind, supported me

told me to chase my dream, gave me a lovely home

I didn’t have to worry about money

for the first time in my life

but there was the looming dark elephant in the room

we both knew that I didn’t love him

 

then, a few months ago, the magazine wanted me to go to switzerland

for a festival, it was an amazing opportunity, I was so excited

I knew jonny would be angry about it, so I kept it from him at first

dreamt up all kinds of excuses, a family wedding, that sort of thing

but I am a shit liar and I didn’t want it to be like this

so, I invited him, I said come along, be with me

honestly, I didn’t want him there, I knew he’d hate it

yet it was the only way I could hope of making this happen

he laughed at me, why would he want to go to and stand in a field

with the unwashed, yeah, he actually said that

 

we didn’t speak all week, 

then he announces the day before I am due to go that he is going away

some work trip, scotland, talk to a client, he’s leaving the day before me

I feel relief, he seems resigned to me going, almost supportive

maybe we’ve turned a corner, I dunno, I was just so relieved

the silence was killing me, his unspoken rage ate away at me

 

so, off he goes to scotland or wherever it was, leaves in the middle of the night

I hear the car pull away, all I feel is relief, I smile to myself, I am free

to cut a long story short and I realise this is turning into a very long story

he took my passport, my phone, my debit card

the fucking wifi router and my house keys with him

I was marooned in brighton, no internet, no way to travel

once it all dawned on me, I went back to bed and howled myself to sleep

when I woke up, I decided to leave, right then

but then I thought, how, how will I leave, I have nothing

not just that I have no way to communicate or pay for anything

I have no one I can turn to

not even mum, how could I tell her that I had fucked this up too

that lovely, sweet, jonny was a massive cunt at heart

 

fucking hell, tim, I know it’s early but I need a drink