My Dinosaur Era Chapter 5 *Rewrite*

 

I don’t know the band we are seeing tonight

ginny had a thing with one of them last year

she’s had a thing with a lot of people in a lot of bands

I guess it’s what she does

she’s in a band herself

a band that rarely gigs

because of her crippling stage fear

they’re great when they do actually play

bluesy rock, ginny lead singer

where else could she be

 

I look into my pint

dirty lager that I don’t want

ginny is talking to someone by the stage

a woman, tall, short dark hair, massive eyes

maybe she’s the one in the band she used to fuck

so hard to tell, could be any one of them

she’s been in a woman fucking phase

but she may have switched to a man fucking phase

I don’t keep track

 

she comes back over to me

leans in, speaks into my ear

 

why do you always look sad?

 

because I feel sad

 

she shrugs

 

did you see me talking to that woman over there?

 

yes, she’s really tall and has massive eyes

 

that’s petula

 

no one is called petula, don’t be silly

 

yes they are, she is, you are so blinkered sometime, timmy

 

I shrug

 

I was telling her about you, she says

 

what were you telling her?

 

how funny and clever you are

 

heh, fuck off

 

no really, I think I sold you, she seemed into it

 

into what?

 

you, you dummy

 

why would she be into me? she’s stunning

 

that’s the spirit, mate, always so fucking positive

 

it’s true though

 

it is not true, you moron, she is stunning and she has seen you and for whatever reason, she’s into you, so maybe just roll with it?

 

I wait for the headline band to come on

ginny has disappeared into the throng

she’s so tiny, she could be anywhere

 

small, sweaty venue

I’m lost amongst these people

I want to go home and watch a film

not be elbow to elbow with strangers

 

petula has shuffled to my side

she is too beautiful for me

ginny has lost her mind

again

always trying to find me that elusive woman 

someone who’ll varnish over everything in me

 

petula though

I say it over and over in my head

petula

petula

petula

she looks at me and speaks

 

are you having fun?

 

yeah, sure I say

 

you don’t look like you are

 

how do I look?

 

you look sad

 

that’s what they tell me

 

you look like you want to go home

 

I always look like that

 

she laughs, bites her lip

like she wanted to say something but doesn’t

I speak instead

 

I actually do want to go home and watch a film

 

which film?

 

jurassic park

 

that is a great film

 

yeah, it is

 

why don’t you go and watch it then?

 

I’m trying to get out more and talk to people, ginny made me come

 

we could go and watch the film

 

right now?

 

yes

 

are you not into being here either?

 

not really, too many people, ginny made me come

 

yeah, she does that

 

petula smiles

someone bumps my into me from behind

I make up my mind to leave

 

let’s buy snacks and drinks from M&S and go

 

yes, let’s do that

 

we go to the M&S in the train station

it lights up the night

petula waits outside and smokes

I go in, squinting

head banging with all the brightness

booze first, snacks second

I pick up four cans of passion fruit martini

four of gin and tonic

that was easy, snacks are trickier

beef hula hoops, chocolate coated peanuts

I dither over mini scotch eggs, go with no

scotch eggs are not a night time snack

they should be consumed in daylight

pick up some posh crisps 

some ridiculous flavour

 

outside, she’s leaning against the wall

still smoking

the shop illuminates her

long legs encased in shiny black leggings

her face partially obscured by the smoke

she looks at me and I hold up the bag, triumphant

I have hunted and I have gathered

she smiles, flicks her cigarette under a passing bus

 

I open the door to the flat

is there shit everywhere?

is there porn flickering in the dark?

is the fridge full of mushed up forgotten food?

 

the flat is tiny

a studio they call it

a bedsit before now

it’s just alcoves and a bathroom

the deposit courtesy of jane

brighton is so expensive

crippling me each month

mortgage paid by another shit job

writing copy for a travel site

trying to make horrible sounding hotels seem like

they are not so fucking horrible

 

petula follows me in

throws off her jacket

it’s warm in here, left the heating on

I think about the meter clicking away

spewing fivers into the air

the place doesn’t look too bad

a couple of discarded sweatshirts

no crumpled tissues

any other signs of me falling apart

 

she slumps onto the sofa

I go to the kitchen alcove

fumble all the bought goods onto the counter

I search in the cupboards for glasses

ones that don’t make it look like I never use glasses

passion fruit martini in a champagne flute

gin and tonic in a tumbler

posh crisps in a pasta bowl

 

I turn on a sidelight and petula emerges from the darkness

her face is so symmetrical that it makes me blink

her eyes even bigger in this small space

 

I hand her gin and tonic

crash the crisps down on the coffee table

I sit next to her and turn the TV on

this huge beast that takes up half a wall

my portal to a world beyond my three and a half walls

the endless nooks masquerading as rooms

 

we’re sitting on my sofa

we’re sitting on my bed

I realise I still have my jacket on

I stand straight up again

try to strip it off

hands caught in the cuffs

struggling to escape

making it much worse

petula reaches out a hand

frees me with her fingers

 

I go to the bathroom

I don’t need to piss

I need to check if the toilet is full of shit

or if the sink is caked in toothpaste

it looks ok, slightly above average

I splash bleach around

flush the toilet

I look in the mirror

my eyes are puffy and red

my cheeks are flushed

yet the rest of my face is a pure white

I haven’t shaved in a few days

patchy stubble, ear hair

my shaven head looks huge

it feels like it is filled with a viscose fluid

it sloshes around when I think

creating waves that smash into my temples

 

I want to stay here, behind a locked door

I wonder how long would she stay

if I just didn’t come out

I sit on the edge of the bath and stare at a towel

 

I think of her on the sofa

waiting to watch jurassic park with me