My Dinosaur Era Chapter 8 *Rewrite*

 

I push the key towards the lock

it slips to one side

the metal scratches the door slightly

I breathe in sharply

I try again, try to be slower

it slips again

it doesn’t fit, it won’t fit

it must fit

 

petula is behind me

I want to kick the door down

my heart is pumping in my neck

a bead of sweat tickles my chest

I feel it pool in my belly button

I take another breath

 

third attempt

the key slides in

I turn the lock

open the door

petula walks into the centre of the room

her eyes wide in wonder

 

wow, you’ve decorated since I was last here, right?

 

yeah, it needs another coat

 

looks good as it is, such a vibrant green

 

thanks

 

did you do it today? it seems really fresh

 

I did it after we spoke on the phone today, I’ve had the paint for two years, I thought it was about time

 

so you spoke to me on the phone and then you painted your flat, huh

 

I mean, I don’t know if it was so directly inspired by you

 

she laughs, a light laugh that bounces off the ceiling

 

we only stayed for two drinks in the pub

it was noisy, nowhere to sit down

we decided to watch the rest of jurassic park

in my newly painted front room

I asked her about music

she doesn’t know any hip hop

I don’t really like sound garden, so 

there were bumps in the road

we bonded over pj harvey

 

petula, why are you here?

 

that’s a bit of a strange question

 

yes, I suppose it is

 

she takes the glass of wine I am holding out

takes a sip

looks at me with her great big eyes

 

ginny said you’re alone a lot and well, so am I, so I thought, he might understand

 

understand what?

 

that hanging out with tons of other people can be fucking nauseating, that being alone or just quiet, can be exhilarating 

 

I’m not sure that being alone has ever felt exhilarating

 

ok, so when we left the gig the other night, got away from that crowd, were you not excited then? were you not excited by the freedom?

 

I was excited because you were with me

 

forget about me, have you not ever walked out of a crowded room, bar, whatever, knowing you were going to be alone and felt really fucking happy about it?

 

oh that feeling? hell yeah, all the time

 

well, apparently not everyone feels the same way

 

I drink some of my wine

we are still standing by the kitchen entrance

I feel awkward, hovering here

 

let’s sit down

 

petula falls into the sofa

 

shall I put some music on?

 

what about the film?

 

we can watch that later

 

are you sure you won’t fall asleep?

 

I can never be sure of that

 

pixies already on the turntable

everyone likes pixies

the drums of bone machine start up

petula looks over at me

 

I love pixies

 

everyone loves pixies

 

I join her on the sofa

she leans back deep into the cushions

I perch on the edge

not totally sure if I want to commit to the comfort

 

ginny told me about jane

 

oh

 

she said not to tell you, that you might be mad at her for saying

 

I’m not mad, what did she tell you?

 

petula sits forward, on the edge with me

 

that you loved her very much, that she died

 

is that all she said?

 

yes, that’s all

 

I nod slowly

 

and that you are still very sad about it

 

I suppose I am

 

it’s best that I tell you that I know about this, whatever ginny thinks, best that it is out in the open, do you think?

 

I do, yes, it usually upsets me when I hear her name but it didn’t this time

 

why do you think that is?

 

maybe because you surprised me

 

it’s ok to be sad and to miss her, tim

 

I nod again

 

we don’t have to talk about this now, or ever, I just wanted you to know that I know

 

I think I am less sad about it than I used to be, like, the other night, I wasn’t being avoidant, like ginny said, I was just a bit drunk and I fell asleep, not everything has a deeper meaning

 

what about the twenty minute bathroom break?

 

I guess that was a bit avoidant

 

she smiles, right at me

her face a breath away

I speak without realising

 

I like your face

 

I have a big weird face

 

yet still, I like it

 

I’m glad that you do

 

we listen to both sides of surfa rosa

we drink more wine

I drift back into the sofa

my torso leaning away from hers slightly

we settle into a silence

I break it

 

shall we watch the film now?

 

we can if you still want to

 

have you seen peep show?

 

of course I have, everyone’s seen peep show

 

I smile

 

    why’s that funny?

 

jane had never seen it, I think she was the only person who hadn’t

 

ok, so not everyone has seen peep show then

 

we watched most of it together, you know, before she died

 

that’s a nice memory

 

sorry, I don’t know why I brought up peep show

 

because you wanted to remember jane and something nice you did together

 

I guess

 

it’s ok, you should do that

 

I do, in my head, just not to other people

 

what else did you like to do together?

 

we ate a lot of biscuits

 

biscuits are good

 

they are

 

we sit in silence for a while

the dog from next door yaps at a distant doorbell

petula speaks

 

it’s nice to just sit, isn’t it?

 

yeah, it is, though I’m always thinking of cool things to say and then playing them over in my mind, then thinking they are not cool things at all, so I end up not saying anything

 

yeah, we all do that, I’m doing it right now

 

what cool thing are you formulating in your head at the moment?

 

I was trying to recall a piece of pixies trivia to impress you with

 

why do you want to impress me?

 

I dunno, it’s what people do, isn’t it?

 

I guess

 

she holds out her hand

I take it

we are both slumped deep into the sofa now

looking straight ahead

focused on the dormant television on the wall

my fingers tingle

her thumb rubs against my hand

so slowly that I’m not totally sure that it’s even happening

 

the dog quietens itself

it’ll find a comfy spot beyond the wall

its eyes will close

it will dream of another time