My Dinosaur Era Chapter 9 *Rewrite*

 

all night I dream

fretful, excited dreams

punctuated by shudders

 

faces from the past appear at windows

an old boss picks a scab on my arm

I shoo him away

my hand swiping at him

my form goes right through him

retreating, he hisses at me

 

there are birds everywhere

on my head, on my arms

I am their tree

a figure in a suit of armour leans on a wall, waving

I try to wave back, my arms stay still

 

awake, I curl into a ball

my head sliding down the pillow to the mattress

my tee shirt is soaked with sweat

this happens most nights

even in winter

I am soaked

 

I close my eyes again

the night has a long way to run

I hear footsteps above me

the woman upstairs

she rarely leaves her flat

when she does it’s in a hurry

being outside haunts her

a quick dash to tesco express

bolt the door again

the sound of her comforts me

informs me of my whereabouts

let me drift away to another place

 

another dream

this time there is a peaceful aura

my hands are blurred

just beyond them is a plate

biscuits galore

I reach for a bourbon

its holes enlarge

big enough to fit my indistinct fist inside

I delve down into the chocolate

jane sits next to me

she is in a long flowing white dress

undulating in a light breeze

she takes my biscuit hand

bites off a corner

huge crumbs tumble down her front

I laugh, she laughs

she eats my whole hand

 

awake again, I lie on my back

stretch my legs to their fullest extent

it feels like morning, I turn my head to the window

it looks like morning

I look at my hands, imagine them in jane’s mouth

her teeth scraping against my fingernails

I get out of bed

I don’t want to be here

 

it is past nine, I am late for the day

managed to do no work yesterday

need to fly this morning

smash out some fodder for the system

my laptop takes an age to light up

it is old, tired of this routine

there’s a work email, already

so early

 

sent at one this morning, from emma

the nearest I have to a boss

the words feel jumbled, I skip to the end

thanks for all your hard work

reorganisation, blah, something

whatever, standard blather

best of luck for the future

fired before I’ve even had a piss this morning

morning has broken

 

I make coffee

get back into bed

take a gulp

waiting for some anger

some sense of awful injustice

nothing

 

maybe I’m still asleep

maybe I’m sat next to jane

her still nibbling at the crumbs where my hand once was

I look back over at my laptop, still shining out from the corner of the room

it illuminates the new green backdrop

patches of the shitty yellow that lay below shine in the white light

petula was being kind

it needs another coat

 

I message ginny

 

I got fired, wanna get drunk today?

 

she replies straight away

she has two speeds

immediate or never

 

oh timmy, I’m sorry, though you did fucking hate that job, can’t get drunk today, maybe tonight, I have work today, sorry xx

 

she works in a hotel

head of housekeeping

she gets to make sure everything is clean

boss people about

her dream job

 

why don’t you see if petula is free?

 

last night I sat holding hands with petula

jurassic park stayed incomplete on the wall

it was late, she squeezed my hand

 

I should go, I have yoga in the morning, I know, such a brighton thing to do

 

I laughed

 

yes it totally is, you’re not from here though, right?

 

no, from the middle of nowhere, leicestershire

 

it’s the middle of england

 

yes, it is, where I lived was about sixty miles from the sea

 

I can’t imagine being that far from the sea

 

nor can I now

 

we used to go to southend when I was a kid, that felt like miles away

 

we stood as one

hands still entwined

I don’t know what to say

I dribble out some words

 

ok then

 

yeah, ok, well

 

I opened the door to the flat

stood there facing each other

our hands dropped away

her turn to try

 

well, see you then

 

yeah, see you then

 

I sit back down at the laptop

read the email again

checking that it was real

my fingers want to reply

caustic words

untethered passive aggression

spill some bile before breakfast

eventually, I type

 

ok, thanks for letting me know

 

I feel a surge of relief that I shall not have to do this again

almost a year of writing shite

enticing people to go on bad holidays

beckoning them into places that should serve as relief

from whatever their lives have given them

 

I scroll down to petula on my phone

press call

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