Pauls: Go to Sleep!

Imagine a blank piece of white computer paper to represent the first hour I’m in bed at the end of the night. Imagine I draw a thick black line from one side of the paper to the other and dot both ends. The dot on the west dot is the beginning of the hour and the east dot is the end of the hour. Imagine the Y-axis on this page to be volume. Now take a hairbrush and dip it in ink or ketchup, basically whatever will leave a stain. Hold it about an inch over the piece of paper sideways with the hairs facing down. Take a finger from your free hand and put it next to the hairs of the brush and slide it through each hair until you’re at the other side. If I’m correct, there will be a lot of various sizes of dots of your chosen liquid (nail polish, melted sour candy slurry, whatever you pick!) at various locations on your grid. Now each dot will represent the time and volume at which I will hear yawns during my first hour of trying to sleep from the thirty other Pauls that live in my room with me. I put out a flyer around town asking if anyone was lonely and just needed someone to sleep with at night, just in the same room, for comfort’s sake. I got exactly thirty applicants, all of them named Paul just like me, all of them white and in their mid-twenties. All of them are extremely muscular like me and have a three-days’ scruff going on like me. But now that they’re here I feel bad telling them they’re a nuisance and a cause of insomnia. Can you imagine shoving thirty people into an average apartment bedroom? We have been incredibly inventive. There are straps on the ceiling and there is a brave top row of Pauls that straps into them and sleeps just an inch away from the pointy stucco. They’re also brave because getting them down requires a very delicate ritual that can only be done with the participation of nearly every Paul. This is done in the morning and they cannot move from their straps until then. No potty. Every now and then we’ll have some leakage from a top-Paul who couldn’t make it all night. The next row of Pauls have to deal with that, which segues me into the next row of Pauls. This row of Pauls is reliant on StretchoPaul 1 and StretchoPaul 2 who are even more muscular than the rest of use and have also had a surgery that I will describe to you now. The StretchoPauls have each had two extra arms grafted onto the end of their first arm, (one StretchoPaul the right arm, the other the left). This is so they can do this: they can each curl their normal arm around a metal bar on each side of the room and hold their freak long arms together in the middle. They make a long arm rope from one side of the room to the other, and around ten Pauls can be flopped over the arm-rope like laundry drying in the sun. This is a surprisingly comfortable way to sleep, for the laundry Pauls. The StretchoPauls had about a year of intense painful suffering and no sleep, but now they are used to it. The bottom row of Pauls includes me and about ten other Pauls. We have coated the carpet in multiple comforters, throw pillows, body pillows, sheets, heat pads for when your back hurts, pillows, pillows, and more pillows. It’s a veritable mound of pure comfort! Also we have laptops down here so the other ten Pauls and I can send each other silly messages and links that we like. Last night we watched Dino-Simulation Aztec Death which was okay but seriously this one time when we were watching one of the Pauls above was crying like a puss and his tear fell on the screen so the face of the main character Bones O’Gruel was warped until Paul wiped it off. Paul is my favorite. But not Paul. Why the fuck was he crying like that? All of them keep me up with their yawning, like I stated earlier, you think they could mind themselves a bit more.