Jesus and the God Squad

Jesus and the God Squad.

THE BEGINNING.

Mary Christianson was a sixteen-year-old virgin junkie who was so
fucked up she didn't recall being raped. She became pregnant, the birth
was difficult, and Mary was so high she didn't come back down again.
Before she died she caught a glimpse of the baby and mistaking the
umbilical chord for male genitalia she named the child Jesus.

THE FORMATIVE YEARS.

Jesus' grandparents were a nice middle class couple living in the
Suburbs of London. They owned two cars, three dogs, a cat, and now a
grandchild.

The Christianson's wanted to respect their daughter's wishes when it
came to her daughter's name. They couldn't help but feel embarrassed
however when calling her into dinner.

They took to calling her Jesse. Not only to spare their blushes but
also so as not to upset the Taylor's next door, whose religious zeal
bordered on fanaticism.

AUTHORS ASIDE (Once Mrs Taylor had told Mrs Christianson that she was
going to hell because she didn't say grace before consuming a tic tac.
Mr Christianson asked aloud if she said grace every-time that she put
anything in her mouth. Not being the sharpest of women Mrs Taylor
replied that she didn't swallow anything without Gods permission. The
relationship between the neighbours has remained strained.}

When Jesse turned five she showed an interest in learning about her
namesake and to her Grandparents delight chose to attend church. At
seven she decided she wanted to be christened and at ten confirmed. Her
Grandparents endured the cynical yet amused looks of the local vicar
and watched Jesse proudly.

When she was a teenager Jesse rebelled against her self imposed
religious restrictions her grandparents middle class values, by high
skirts, low tops and lots of heavy make-up. She insisted that everyone
call her Jez. Which everyone did, until she was fifteen, when she lost
her virginity. During those few painful minutes her boyfriend reverted
to her full given name.

THE BAND.

At sixteen our heroine decided enough was enough and told everyone to
start calling her by her full given name. A popular girl already it
wasn't long before her clique was given the name God Squad. At first a
little bewildered, and to be honest hurt, Jesus demanded to know why
they had been labelled such. It was then that a coincidence, so
glaringly obvious that it had gone unnoticed, was pointed out to them.
That of their names. Jesus, Matthew, Michael, Luke, John, Judith and
Barry.

AUTHORS ASIDE {Well you can't win them all, it was still a hell of a
coincidence!}

Jesus and The God Squad had been dabbling in music during all their
educational years. They now decided to take themselves seriously and
changing their name to the God Squad they set about with renewed
purpose (and a bloody good gimmick) promoting their unique thrash heavy
metal sound to London.

They did rather well with rather a lot of gigs. It was when they were
noticed by a small time indie director that their luck really changed
however. This young director was finishing his latest film but it
needed a soundtrack, would they provide it? Of course they
agreed.

When the film was taken to Cannes it became the sleeper hit of the last
decade and a multinational record company snapped up The God Squad.
They hit the big time, big time.

THE SUCCESS.

The God Squad's first album "The Last Supper" went Platinum and they
were constantly on tour. They took to taking amphetamines and coke to
stay awake and 'up for it'. Jesus lost so much weight that the press
accused her of being anorexic. Of course her look soon became "The
look" copied by thousands of teenybopper wannabes.

When The God Squad changed image, thousands hit the high street trying
to recreate the look on a shoestring budget. The band became so huge
that any one of them could fart and change the face of music forever.
The words revolutionary and controversial were used so often that
Jesus, in a fit of creative inspiration, used everyone of their
review's featuring those words to paper the outside bowl of the toilet
in their private jet.

The term "Jesus freaks" became synonymous with their fans. Who spanned
the world in what seemed like a leather and denim clad cult of epic
proportions.

THE BETRAYAL

At the height of their success a picture appeared in a tabloid
newspaper of Jesus in a steamy and not unwelcome embrace with her
bassist Judith. At first newspapers considered it ironic that the
biggest scandal the God Squad faced had come about through Judith
kissing Jesus. It wasn't long however before the headlines were
screaming BETRAYAL! When it was revealed that Judith had arranged for
the photographer to be there.

THE CRUCIFICTION.

Non-Fans were outraged, they had accepted that the lead singer was a
woman named Jesus, they had even accepted that she batted for the same
side as her bassist but to pull such a publicity stunt! It derided
their very belief systems and they were not going to take it lying
down.

Stores that sold the album where boycotted as "Jesus Freaks" where
pelted with stones and stopped from buying the album, aptly titled "The
Crucifixion." Despite their protestations of innocence, Jesus, Matthew,
Mark, Michael, Luke, John, Barry and a very repentant Judith were
drummed into hiding.

THE RESSURRECTION.

All was quiet for five years, times changed and slowly but surely the
faithful "Jesus Freaks" crept to their local store and started rescuing
"The Crucifixion" from the bargain bins. Five years after it was
released it hit the number one spot in America and England
simultaneously.

The tour, which they daringly called "The Resurrection", sealed The God
Squads fate as Rock Legends when Jesus grabbed a forgiven Judith and
kissed her no holds barred for five minutes on the stage of Wembley
Arena.

When they were killed in a plane crash two years later they were
mourned for years to come.