Minkee Monkey . com Millionaire

Minkee, as the title suggests, is a monkey. Nobody knows he is a
monkey, They have their suspicions but in the interests of political
correctness, have kept shtum for fear of being sued.

Not only is Minkee a monkey, he is very, very rich, powerful, and a
thief. Of course the thief part is a closely guarded secret. More
guarded even than the fact he is a monkey, the only person who knew the
awful truth is right hand man and fellow nit-picker his brother
Manky.

Manky is in fact completely and totally insane. In fact insane is just
too weak a word, Manky is nuts, crackers, psychotic, obsessive and well
just an all round oddball (in short Manky is a mad monkey) He is also a
very nice ape if you stay on his right side. This of course makes him a
wonderful businessman.

Minkee and Manky were born and bred in a laboratory, brought up with
tender loving care no less. For Minkee and Manky were destined for a
cloning experiment. If it worked it would be the most phenomenal
discovery of the twentieth century and so the scientists wanted them in
peak condition.

Now we all know that these hairy little mammals are as close to human
as you can get without actually being human. What we don't realise is
they are also infinitely more intelligent. (Let's face it, it's really
not that hard) By the time these two nefarious apes were a year old
they had secretly already garnered language skills by listening to the
humans around them. They spoke English and Monkey fluently and knew the
basics of five other languages.

They knew how to use a computer (they practised using a big stick
through the bars of their cage, which they could break down and hide
during the day, I'll spare you the details of where) and had the basic
GCSE Science and Maths skills.

Manky was the real brains of the operation, but as I've said before
Manky was mad. It Mucky's obsession with all things computerised that
led the pair to one of the night staffers files on the computer. In the
file were details of a new online venture that would make the right
person a lot of money. Now Minkee knew that Matthew Prodick the
nightstaffer in question was not the right person, (in fact Minkee's
view was he wasn't eventhe right species) for the job.

So one day they escaped the cage with a key they had fashioned using
the key outline pressed into some soap and shaped wood. Copied the
files onto disk and then deleted the relevant material. Then they
searched staff files (bypassing passwords) to find Matthew Prodicks
address and set off that very evening to his house to steal clothes,
money, whatever they needed as well as destroy his Macintosh G4.

Now I would like to tell you that after Minkee and Manky trashed his
house and stole his idea that Matthew had a flash of genius and had
another idea and made millions. However we don't always get what we
want. Unfortunately Matthew wasn't that ambitious, couldn't afford a
new or even second hand computer and worked as a night shifter at the
lab until he retired. Matthew was the first casualty of the Monkey
Empire.

The immediate thing these preposterous primates did after wrecking
Matthews life, was regret smashing up his G4, which was a very heavy
duty piece of Hardware and would have helped them tremendously.
Especially considering they now had nothing to look at the CD-ROM they
had about Corporate Identity and Branding, and also because they really
needed to know the basics about the Internet, you know? Like what it
was.

It wasn't as straightforward as they had thought. The business planning
was sound, the programming exceedingly easy. If they hadn't broke the
computer. The only problem they had was that they had never been on the
Internet before. So using the money they had obtained from Matthews's
savings account they walked into a bookshop and bought a guide to the
Internet and then a new Mac. They had to return to the bookshop the
next day however and purchase another book when Manky took offence at
the title and proceeded to torture the poor thing.

How do you torture a book? I hear you ask. Well its horrific and very,
very slow, definitely not for the squeamish, and includes warm snuffed
out matches, a pair of very blunt scissors, a pair of very sharp
scissors and a leaky mug of coffee.

Their grasp of the Internet soon widened enough to allow them to
realise just what a fabulous idea this was. And they set about
purchasing the warehouse and products for when they started doing
business.

Minkee, being the most, coherent and least insane, then approached a
small integrated marketing company about producing the Web-site,
Corporate Branding, Identity, PR and providing the Business Solutions.
In short create the fa?ade he was going to hide behind while also
making a hell of a lot of money.

I won't try and tell you that the MD of the company did not question
his clients short stature and exceeding hairiness, because he did,
privatley. But his client spoke with a perfectley clipped English
accent and had money, with marketing bieng such a competitive business,
you never pissed off the guy with the loot . You especially did not
accuse them of being a monkey!

This approach has worked everytime for Minkee. People as a rule are
stupid, we know this, we try to make up for it in many ways, but really
this story kinda is proving my point.

Minkee and Manky were soon making millions hand over fist. Their online
venture has proved to be extremley successful. In fact you probably use
them all the time. They soon found (aquired) other ideas and have
never,
ever,

ever,

been challenged.

Even I am writing this under a psuedonym, for fear of being sued to
kingdom come. Each year the brothers get hairier and madder. Each year
its harder and harder to ignore the fact that they really are monkeys,
and yet every year we pretend some more. Ignore the fact that they pick
fleas off each other and eat them, ignore the bars that Manky likes to
swing on, or the fact that they are covered with hair and have wrinkly
monkey heads?..

Why?

I'll tell you why, each and everyone of us are scared to admit that if
they could do it, others could. We are terrified that there could in
fact be a monkey who controls a multinational conglomorate, That
primates have grabbed themselves a position of power so easily and
(worse of all) unchallenged. We are afraid of our own stupidity. Most
of all we are afraid to admit our prejudices. Afraid to admit that
Political correction can and does go too far sometimes, and does
nothing more than hide the truth of our bias from sometimes even
ourselves.

What next ? A bear for Prime Minister?