Pigmonkeys

Pigmonkeys

London. A seething mass of concrete trees and a river that smells like
drains. If you stand by Southwark Bridge on a hot day you can smell it.
This is my world now. I am one of the faceless city girls, travelling
to and from work every morning. Maybe I see you, maybe you see me.
We'll never know.

London is a fascinating place. No matter what time it is, morning,
afternoon or evening there's always something happening and although
you might not notice it something you do can affect someone else's life
in the strangest or most straightforward of ways.

You can get glimpses of other peoples lives by seeing just one minute
of it, The couple arguing outside a club in the middle of the night.
Girls dressed in pink, green with envy, who stumble out of clubs at
three in the morning shouting and screaming at their boyfriend, who
inevitably will be forgiven for coming onto and kissing their best
friend or the girl across the dance floor.

The harried women talking on their mobiles about the coveted promotion
they want and how much better they are than so and so, while buying
their tampax and picking up a sandwich from Boots. Things like that
amuse me, these characters acting out their part of a bigger deal. Like
the Three wise monkeys.

I sit by the window at work. Across the road there's some building
happening and everyday there were the Three Wise Monkeys all in a row.
At first I found the name amusing, cruel perhaps, but privately
amusing. The Three Wise Monkeys were builders working on the site, one
wore glasses, one a hearing aid and the other had a pronounced lisp. I
never saw them do any work. Never I'm sure of it.

They would sit there drinking tea, eyes lustfully watching all the
girls go past, mouths slightly open heads, moving in unison. Whenever a
young pretty girl walked past there would be a comment or Kissy noises
made with their overfed poochy lips. Comments like "Hiya sweetheart get
your tits out" Or "Fancy a bit of this Darlin'? " would follow her
around the corner.

You wouldn't believe the changes that came over the girls faces, the
look of determination as they refused to detour off their usual path,
the uncomfortable grimace as they speed up their steps, the way they
pulled their summer cardie's and thin jackets over their otherwise
meagre summer clothes.

I'll admit that I wondered at the scarcity of these girls' clothes. I
mean what did they expect? I watched the play of emotions over their
face and thought. Get over it stop being so soft!

As time went on though I started to get angry, I started to see why the
monkey's stupid chattering banter was draining the girls as they walked
past. These gluttonous globules of fat with their hairy arses hanging
out and food constantly in one hand were pigs, With their piggy eyes
and thick pink piggy skin. You could imagine their stinking breath and
stale sweaty smells from a mile away. That was when they became The Pig
Monkeys.

It made me angry you know? Like why should the girls (who if I told the
truth were dressed sensibly for the weather, very hot) change the way
they dress? Why should they have that falter in their step? Because
some fat ugly hairy farting builder makes some stupid comments?

But then I figured life wasn't fair and carried on, staying in the
office at lunchtime so I wouldn't be tempted to stray from my tuna
sandwich and ruin the diet that was really actually working.

I lost weight at the rate of a couple of pounds a week and the building
across the road went up a couple of girders a week. It was taking an
awfully long time, and I started to wonder if anyone knew or cared
about how long they were taking to put up this building. Still day in
and day out the heads moved in unison and their lips smacked and
the
comments kept coming.

One day a friend rang and asked if I fancied lunch. I got ready to go
and then stopped. Damn it if I wasn't feeling apprehensive! Slightly
scared even of facing the Pig monkeys! It was ridiculous! Me worried
about what a couple of scruffy sweaty hogs would say! No way was I
having that! For a brief second I considered walking the other way, but
I snorted at myself in disgust. That way was the quickest way to the
pub we were going to that would be the way I set out.

I realised my mistake as I approached them, I remembered the countless
times that I'd seen determination on other girls faces, seen them
falter, Still I kept going, Five seconds that was all it took to walk
the few hundred yards past them and round the corner. I could take it;
it wasn't as if I was soft or anything.

There they were lined up, sat on the second shelf of their scaffolding
so they could see the girls coming. I could feel their eyes and my skin
crawled, The closer I came the lower my head went and the quicker my
pace, my hair now a curtain to hide my flushed and burning
cheeks.

I'm not sure who invented the "Walk past Builders walks" but all girls
automatically do them, I think its inbred. There's two walks, (a) Walk
past with your head up nose in the air with righteous indignation. Or
(b) Head down, hanging so low you look like your trying to strike up a
conversation with your nipples, and any hair you have shielding your
face from view.

For no reason my thoughts fled in a totally excruciating direction.
I've never been one to worry about how I was dressed, but all of a
sudden I was worrying if my skirt was too short, my top to low cut, or
to tight across what I jokingly referred to my friends as my best
assets. I prayed there would be no comment and pulled my suit jacket a
little closer as I approached the scaffolding. About a hundred yards
away from them a shout went up from Blind Pigmonkey.

"Ooaahhoy babee!" I mean what's ooaahhoysome kind of mating call? I
walked faster and didn't acknowledge them.

"Come on darlin' betcha pretty when you smile" This from Deaf
Pigmonkey. To my astonishment I could actually feel tears pricking the
back of my eyes!

"Cor know what sthweet heart I could really go for you, Cor what with
an arsth like yours!" Said Mute Pigmonkey who you know would have
suited his name better if he shut up.

The short five-second walk seemed to take five hours. I felt
humiliated, degraded and violated. I don't suppose it would have
mattered if it were good-natured. But they knew how they were making
those girls feel, They can't not have known, can't not of seen the
embarrassment and disgust their words caused them. Then I realised it
wasn't those girls now, It was us, I was one of them. I wasn't just
angry on their behalf I was pissed off for all of us.

Turning the corner I could hear them starting on another."Cor Blimey
bet she's good on her back." "Make a good Ironing board sweetheart". I
hurried on clutching my clothes to me. Hating them for making me feel
so vulnerable.

I revelled in my friend's unconscious need to unload and talk my ear
off. Lovably eccentric and always fabulously dressed the Gems of wisdom
and not so wise poured out of her mouth without discrimination. The
conversation switched so often and fast that if I hadn't of known her
better I would have been really confused.

After being talked at about the latest happenings of friends and the
glaring inadequacies of her latest bloke, she packed me off with a peck
on the cheek and a reminder that we were meeting for a drink after work
that day. So I could tell her what had brought a dark cloud over my
eyes and had fractured my poor aura.

I walked back to work automatically taking the easiest and quickest
route, before realising halfway down that this was the route that would
take me back to them. I toyed with the idea of turning around and going
the other way, but my pride wouldn't let me. I steeled myself and
walking quickly I turned the corner and practically running I made to
the office door.

"Cor blimey Love watch what your doing you could knock yourself out
with those things!"

"Never mind knocking herself out, She just missed that poor git over
there."

"What's poor about him she missed din she?"

"Yeah he weren't lucky enough for a face full"

At that the wits started to cackle like old hensI could see them as
hens, and I wanted to wring all of their bloody necks for them. It was
a mental picture I savoured all day. Wringing their necks and taking
pleasure in it.

They had packed up and gone by the time I came out to go to the pub and
for that I was heartily grateful. I headed up the road to the place I'd
had lunch in earlier. Hoping against hope my friend would be able to
make me feel better or at least crack me up with her oddball
advice.

She had been in the pub all afternoon sipping diet cokes and holding
court with a group of girls who had gravitated towards her enthusiasm
and deep purple and blue clothes. I don't know how she does it; I could
never sit in a pub by myself.

"Sweetie!" she shouted over the after work hubbub"Saved you a seat
darling". The girls turned to see who was joining them and I vaguely
recognised one of them but couldn't quite place her.

"Hiya having fun Hun?"

"I'm having a stunning timeYour auras still cracked though"

"Yeah well I'm having a Shit day"

"Oh sweetie, come and have a drink" She winked at the bar man who of
course came running from the punters around the bar to find out what
the wink implied. I felt a stab of envy, that she could do that.

Settled, warm and comforted by the large Vodka and Diet Coke I started
to relax, listening to the conversations around me. A couple behind me
were arguing about money, She wanted child support, he said that's what
he was there for, but she had to give him the car keys as the car was
legally just his and he needed it for work. Another two were talking
about their careers in terms of years and when and where and how much
they would make in their next job even though they wouldn't like it as
much as the Job they had now. Greed don't you love it?

The blonde who I had vaguely recognised was talking about the builders
next to where she worked. I remembered where I had seen her and turned
to interrupt

"You work near me I knew I had seen you before, those builders are
creepy aren't they?"

"Oh I don't know," Said another girl thoughtfully, "Have you seen the
bodies on some of them?"

"Not these ones they're nasty, I don't know how to describe them?Pig
Monkeys?Yeah Pigmonkeys" I said

Everyone laughed and asked how they had come to be named, I told them
and we had a christening ceremony for them, sealing their names with
vodka, Malibu and Gin

Now I'm not usually a violent person, every day it got more and more
difficult to face going to work. One day everything changed. The 7.33am
train was delayed. When it pulled into the station one of the carriages
was refusing to open so there was one whole empty carriage locked to
everybody. I resented the fact that I had to stand all the way because
of it. At each station people just kept coming, pushing and shoving and
squeezing. Contorting in to shapes a human body is not supposed to, to
fit into the overcrowded train carriages.

Within three stops there was no way anyone was moving in anymore,
everyone was squashed, and in bad moods. People tried but to no avail.
They had to move onto another carriage or wait.

Then it happened, The Bitch got on the train. She had two, read it TWO
large bags and wasn't what you'd call petite, not fat or anything but
she was a good size and tall too. First she stood and waited while
everyone tried to move for her. Getting impatient she exclaimed. "Can
you lot bloody move down?" and proceeded to push her way on. Now fair
enough there is no choice but to push, But no need to be rude about it.
She decided to jam her bags on the floor and tried to wedge them around
her. How she got on in the first place is a miracle or more probably
the work of Satan. She was obviously one of his minions, with her
spotty red dry skin.

That's when I saw it, She deliberately shoved a poor girl with her bag!
The look of intent on her face was difficult to miss; The Bitch wanted
to hurt this girl.

The Girl was pretty, petite and peroxide. (Hey I notice these
things)She hadn't done anything to deserve that sort of treatment.
Pretty Petite and Peroxide was thrown backwards and with nothing to
hold onto or anything ricocheted off quite a few people before
steadying herself, standing on my sandled foot in the process.

I of course not being shy made the loudest sound of protest I could, a
mixture between talking and screeching

"OOOOOWWWWWW!" I said looking at the Bitch waiting for her to say
something, anything, to apologise to Pretty, Petite and Peroxide who
looked very embarrassed.

"Sorry" PP&;P muttered

"S'ok It wasn't your fault" I said looking at The Bitch and pronouncing
each word slowly and clearly.

She gave us a stony hard-faced look that pretty much meant "I don't
give a toss, I have a day." Miss PP&;P managed to find her-self a
small secure spot where no one would trample her and I couldn't help
but stare at The Bitch.

Images rose unbidden to my mind and I could see my hand reaching over
the head of the lady in front and giving The Bitch such a slap, My
fingers itched to pull her hair out and my throat ached to scream
obscenities at her. The urge was horrendous. I tried not to look at her
I was so angry. I really hated her! My hand itched and twitched and for
one moment I thought my brain was going to play a trick on me and have
the motor function part of the brain to tell my arm to do it anyway
without the co-operation from the thinking part of the brain.

The train stopped and The Bitch pushed herself from the train. I
breathed a sigh of relief. My hand still Itched and my brain still
supplied me with unbidden but delicious pictures of b**** slaps.

I started to walk towards work, I felt sticky and hot from riding in
such close quarters to so many people, felt I would be stinking like
the Pigmonkeys before I got to work. That was the start to a very long
day. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong and the Pig monkeys
were still there.

My brain working the way it was that day was seriously contemplating
making the world a better place without them. I kept thinkingThou shalt
not kill. My mind started imagining me as some sort of superhero,
ridding the world of foul mouthed ugly builders. No matter that not all
builders were the same. No matter that some builders actually worked
for a living. I was working myself up into righteous Feminist
outrage.

The girls walking past were wearing ankle length skirts and higher cut
tops that must have been roasting them alive in the sticky heat of the
day. I felt like a Tom and Jerry cartoon the red heat of anger visibly
filtering up until the steam hissed out of my ears accompanied by a
high pitched whistling sound, indicating I was well and truly
boiled.

I decided that, that day was not the best for giving up smoking and set
out for the shops. I stalked across the road and headed for that
corner. I was in no mood to mess about and I wasn't gonna let them make
me feel worse than I already did. The comments had already started
before I reached them.

" Gor she's got a face on her could crack concrete today, wha's up luv,
lost a pound found a penny?"

I ignored them , I'm sure there must have been steam pouring out of my
ears, My eyes as red as the pits of hell. My stomach was tied up in
knots. It was the comment

"Come 'ere luv I'll give you something to smile about" that snapped the
camel's back. I stopped, composed my self and turned around.

"Do you honestly think I'm not getting better at home?" I asked, very
pleased by how calm I was. I watched enjoying the confused look on
their faces, "Do you honestly think that Pig monkeys as fat, smelly and
ugly as you get my juices going?" again it was said in a really calm
voice, I marvelled at how casual the question was, almost like asking
them the time.

I noticed two girls had stopped and were watching the exchange with
large smiles on their faces. One was the blonde from the pub the night
before. I continued feeling a renewed sense of confidence.

" The only time I want to see or hear you again is in court when I have
you up for sexual Harassmentand that's the nearest you'll ever get to
any sexual contact with me."

"Now, now 'old on love, we was just 'avin' a larf, wunt we boys" Said
Blind Pig Monkey

"Yeah luv no need to tek offence like," Said a much paler Deaf Pig
Monkey

The Mute Pig Monkey had now developed a stutter and was unable to form
words.

I turned on my heel and walked towards the corner, I heard enthusiastic
midi applause from the two Girls and some Women in my Office Building.
I smiled and turned the corner. I was feeling better, much better in
fact. I was still gonna buy some Fags but maybe I would really give up
soon.

I unwrapped my arms from where they had been folded and let the jacket
hang open. I smiled, let the world glimpse my best assets.