An Actor's Death

Dim, that's what it is. The light is gone. This room is empty, only
me and a gun. My passion, dreams and life is going to be shattered in a
few minutes. I am about to end my life, and for what? Sitting in this
dark room I am writing to you about why this has to happen. I want the
world to understand me. I feel that the people have a right to know.
Read my letter and I hope this will change your opinion about me after
I've gone. This is my story.

I am an actor. Renowned and wealthy. Well loved, adored and cherished.
My fame has reached great heights. Women praise me, and men envy me.
But I am not content with my life. For me this is not what I longed
for, being this portrayer of roles is not me. But why am I writing
this? Am I looking for sympathy? Not really. I can't go on with this
burden that I have to carry. I can't go on deceiving the people that I
am still having fun. When I was young I saw life as one big adventure.
No grief, no loads and no end. My youth was full of promise. But as I
grew up I realized that life is very different. It evolved from
carefree to realization. At the peak of my acting career, I was the
star, the idol and the icon. I spent money over women, alcohol and
drugs. I was living life to the fullest. Why was I so stubborn? I
became a public ridicule, my name was stained and that stain became
permanent. Nobody accepted me. Acting jobs were closed to me, and who
can blame them I am a liability, a danger to the industry. My so called
friends rejected me. I felt lost. I became a wanderer all alone to die.
The house, the cars the money all gone in an instant. I became a joke.
Now, all alone I began to realize the clarity of life. Life is not full
of games. Life is wicked, Life gave me stardom, wealth and splendor
looks but after a while it will come back and take it all away like it
was some kind of debt. But I was right life is one big adventure, a
journey that will take you to other worlds. Mine started as a fairy
tale but ended as a tragedy. Life sure is an adventure and my adventure
is about to end. How ironic, fame gave me freedom and life and fame end
up killing me. What will I be after I die? A legend? Or a pitiful actor
who made wrong decisions in his life. Sure I made terrible decisions.
I've hurt a lot of people. I've hurt my family. I created this monster,
a large horrifying beast and as the old saying goes it came back to
haunt me. I used to be a predator but now I'm more of a prey. I used to
be the master but now I am the slave. I became a slave to my addictions
and vices. Funny how one think that he can steer his own life when in
reality life steers you. It chokes you and only lets go once in a
while. Brutal isn't it? One minute you were like a young hunter and the
next you become an old dupe, trying to pick up the pieces which you
yourself scattered. It's the oldest rule in the book, survival of the
fittest. Guess I did not have the mental strength to endure this
nightmare. But enough about life. What about death? Death is an end to
life. So for me it is a paradise, a place where I can once again start
anew. For me, death is an answer to the riddle that has plagued me all
my life. I feel that all the fame I had was just a deal I made with
death. And today he will come to collect. The only horror I face is the
fact that my knowledge is limited. What happens when I pull this
trigger? Do I go to a dreadful place? Or is it somewhere pleasant. The
thinking of all the possibilities is maddening.

And what about God? When I was in the middle of my fame I forgot about
him. I was to busy being me. And when my stardom was gone I never
returned to his grace. I had too much pride. Maybe I was too vain.
Maybe I believed that I myself was some kind of god. God has deserted
me. I believe he has left me here to die. But will he accept me after
my death? God really did a good job on earth. All those hate, grief,
pain, and suffering. But I know that God give us chances. He literally
gave me a million, I just did not take one of them. I was intractable,
I did not want my fun to end. Typical of me, ever since I was young I
was stubborn and selfish. I did not care what happens to the world as
long as I am fine. I could not help it!!! I was born with this
attitude. I am enslaved with the mentality "Every man for himself". As
long as I am rich and comfortable the rest of the world is none of my
concern. Now this credo of mine is my death warrant. I was terribly
wrong. I should have helped when I could. But now it's too late, I have
too much pride to turn back. I would never lower my self for salvation.
I would rather die than shatter my pride. Tell me I'm blind, but the
blind still has vision. Tell me I'm stubborn, but the stubborn can
still make choices. So tell me I'm a failure, I am a failure but at
least I still have dignity. The light dims some more the end is near.
The room is silent. An eerie silence. But this tranquility soothes me
so I can write my inner soul. When does the spinning stop, after I die?
Or maybe it is a never ending cycle of grief and deception. Pitiful,
that's what I am. I still refuse to believe that I have fallen. The
metal feels cool in my head. My tale will end in a few minutes.

The light is beginning to fade. No more cameras, bright lights and
stage. This is life. Today I am portraying the part of a fallen warrior
only this time there is no script. The pretending will stop. The
curtains have dropped. My show is over. I am now at the brink of death,
the moment of end yet a smile rests upon my face. I envy not the other
actors who have luxury and glamour. For I know that they carry a
similar burden I once endured. I just hope that they find their answers
before it is too late. As for me, I found my answers but the inevitable
has already unfolded. This was my choice. Lights out...