Complicated thoughts

I wish there was a way to stop the constant tears
And there was a medicine to tame my feeble fears
I wish there was a painkiller to stop me from feeling all this
pain
Yet I wish I had a heart to love over and over again

I wish my life was bright but I can't find a switch
But I have no energy to pull me out this ditch
I try to run away when my mind is sore
But my brain was stopping me from going through the door
I knew there was a life I could choose and I tried to understand
But I could never dream of letting go of your hand

I know leaving love behind was a big mistake
But it either was my pain or a commitment I could not take
I know I may of caused you loss and I am sorry I was not there
But please know over the years I was left in such despair

I think maybe I did wrong but it was my mind
I just did not have a life that I could emotionally find
I know that maybe one day you will think of how I feel
I know that my commitment was all but nothing real
I want to tell you I love you but my mouth is numb
I am just waiting for the anger that might finally come
I want to set my emotions free out of their locked up cage
But I think the tension would send you in a rage

I know all the desperate trying to be something that I'm not
Has made me realise all the emotions that I've got
I know that maybe some time there will be a day
That I could tell you all the things I've wanted to shout and say
If you look deep inside yourself I know you'll find your soul
And I know I scarred your heart I feel as black as coal

If you look into your dreams you will find a shining star
And that's a gift I gave you for your healing scar
I know that all the anger, stress and emotional pain
Was me pushing you to forgive and making your thoughts strain
I have taken it to thought I will carry on this way
And be on my own every passing day