latee Nov

I tell you, my sanity is hanging by a quantum thread. On average days, I often have the sensation of being incredibly miserable. It's as if, for me, being alive is a torturous experience for body and mind.
It's been 3 days now since I've done any drinking and I haven't used any drugs since I came to Thailand. Nonetheless, If my body and brain feel battered, they have some justification. From alcohol to weed to the legal speed Ephedra, my substance abuse has been disgusting over the past 3 years. Also, in some ways, I've been persecuted since childhood; One of the most glaring examples of this is that I've never had any kind of enduring female companionship except for one girl who betrayed me brutally.
So why I don't simply kill myself and bring an end to the misery? If this were to happen someday, I wouldn't view it as a horrible thing. But in my current state, it would be an "action" of self-destruction. I still have some will to live and this would be surrendering to a will to die.
I don't believe that this would accomplish anything. As both the Buddha and Epicurus point out, approximately, suffering is a problem which must be worked through. From my contemplations of the world, and from the many remarkable coincidences I've seen, I believe there to be some meaning, order, or God in the universe. Anyone who believes this can't believe that the simple act of dashing one's brains out will replace agony with tranquillity or even oblivion.