Gingham Underpants.

I used to wear chintz. My friend Albert F still wears velveteen, in spite of the fact that -well- they're not flattering: they make Albert look like a straw with a pea stuffed down it. There is a long tradition of the unconventional in underclothing. Da Vinci favoured canvas, La Giaconda spent many hours in close proximity to the great man before Lenny added the finishing touches with his favourite brush.

Still, few people know that Adolf Hitler wore black serge underpants in the boxer style, dressing to the left, since his bratwurst fell naturally to that side due to his well documented testicular deficiency.

After chintz I flirted with - in no particular order - hessian, corduroy, twill, tweed, felt, moleskin, cashmere and for one memorable week, sandpaper. Even so, once I tried gingham, I thought I would never again be so happy. I made several pairs from a tablecloth stolen from Salvatore's in Milton Keynes. Smuggling it out down my trousers gave me an extra thrill, although I did resemble Albert's shape as occasioned by his preference for velveteen underwear (see above). The bolognese stains added an extra piquancy, for me.

For three years I was dedicated to my chequered foundation garments.

However, sadness came when I learned at http://www.osamaathomeonline.com that the leader of Al Qa'ida, Osama himself, has been wearing gingham underpants since the age of 23.

I make do with Marks and Spencer's finest now.