How to tactfully decline a wedding invitation

Gizzards of bong - It is with great sadness that I announce I will not be attending this sure-to-be-marvelous happening.

I wish you all great pleasure with enough rife time to last a lifetime, and then, let us thwart fate and carry on living a little bit more - long enough so that I will perchance be able to see you all together at some future event (a happy one preferably - maybe even with a touch of confetti and a queer brass band from Africa, pelicans flapping and then a shower of the tears of virgins to put us all in the mood, followed swiftly by lap-dancing coalminers where you're keen to keep them away so they don't get soot all over you - but they keep coming back... when they start to stripping however, it's like the best parts of the Rio Carnival because under their dirty outer layers are pearl encrusted micro-thongs, body glitter and little else. We'll dance until feathers fall from the sky and create a perfect eiderdown for us to slowly be crooned to sleep by a Janis Joplin number slowed right down and married to soft strings from a live chamber orchestra).

A dream perhaps.

But what's life without a dream?

Groove on you warriors of love. Groove on.