Going Home

Going home.
Gentle arms pulled me from my warm bed and quickly dressed me in my
outdoor clothes. I smelled lavender and onions, and tendrils of hair
caressed my face as the woman tugged my clothes. Not Ma's hair, I
registered vaguely. Drunk with sleep, I swayed, yawning widely as she
fastened laces and buttons with expert fingers. Then she carried me
outside and placed me into the carriage beside a shadowy figure. In
front of me invisible horses grew restless and I heard them snort
impatiently, though I saw nothing but darkness.
'Ma?' In the cold night air I began to regain my senses, but too late.
A man's voice beside me in the darkness said,
'No, laddie. You'll not be seeing your ma again.'
Panic rose in my throat and I froze with fear. Then I began to scream
and scramble down from the high wooden seat. But strong hands held me
firmly and, before I knew it, the horses were galloping forward into
the moonless night and I was forced to stay exactly where I was. I
moved as far away from the man as I could and crouched into the corner
of the seat, whimpering like a puppy.
'Crying won't help you laddie,' said the man. 'Only God will help you
now.'
On and on we sped through the night and I heard nothing but the crack
of the whip and the horses' hooves as they pounded the hard surface of
the path. I closed my eyes but sleep wouldn't come, only images of Ma
as she had been the last time I had seen her - pale and sick as she lay
on her pallet beside the fire.
'Tell me a story about the sea,' I had begged. But she had closed her
eyes and shaken her head sadly.
'Not tonight Peter,' she had whispered.

Then in the darkness I heard the sea.
It roared in the distance like the fire in our hearth on a stormy
night, but twice as fearsome, and with an angry, hissing echo. To my
eight-year-old ears it was a vicious dragon - and I was suddenly more
afraid of it than I was of the strange man beside me. Ma's words came
into my head, thankfully calming me.
'The sea,' she had said, 'can be your best friend or your worst
enemy.' I had nodded wisely, not understanding, but loving her lilting
voice as she described the silver waves with their lace petticoats
tumbling playfully over shiny rocks.
'When you dip your toes in, the sea tickles them,' she said.
And then my chest would tighten in awe as she told me about the dark
grey monster that would rise from nowhere and swallow up the fishermen
as they desperately tried to reach the safety of the shore.
'Your father lost his life to such a monster,' she said sadly. 'On the
day before we were to be wed&;#8230;' And then she cried softly and
looked away from me, as though I reminded her of something that was
unbearable. And I sat silently at her feet, thinking about the sea,
yearning to see it, but fearful too. Finally I asked,
'Can we go there Ma? To the place where you used to live?'
Ma had been raised in a cottage overlooking a rocky cove.
She had smiled bravely and a wistful yearning had fired her green
eyes. Then she had promised me that one day, when her own parents had
forgiven her, she would take me to meet them - and to see the
sea.
'Will I like it Ma?' I had asked.
'You will, laddie! How could you not like something that takes your
breath clean away with its strength and beauty? And it fills me with
joy to know that I'll be there with you when you first see
it&;#8230;'
'Nearly there, laddie.' I was brought sharply back to the present,
though Ma's voice still rang in my ears. I peered through the misty
grey light at the man's gnarled face, less frightening now in
daylight.
'Where are we going?' I asked.
'To your new home,' he replied shortly. Suddenly I was afraid again
and, seeking comfort in familiar memories, I forced my thoughts back to
my old home. I was sitting at Ma's knee, watching her face in the
flickering candlelight and listening to her voice as she spoke of the
thing she loved as much as she loved me.
'How big is it Ma?' I had asked.
'Bigger than anything you've ever seen,' she replied.
'Bigger than the sky?'
'Oh yes! And twice as restless. The sky can be quiet and still - but
the sea never sleeps, you see? Even when it looks calm it's still
pushing and pulling everything that's inside it.'
'What sort of things?'
'Oh - fish, rocks, boats&;#8230;people.' She grew sad again and I
wished that I hadn't asked. Trying to make her smile, I said,
'It must be awesome.' Her face brightened.
'Yes. And on a fine day you can see a million nuggets of silver
floating in blue silk. And if you wait until dusk, all the silver turns
to gold and the silk turns to velvet. And then, with a final blaze of
glory, all the golden nuggets disappear to dance on the ocean bed until
dawn. Oh no - the sea never sleeps!'
'Is that when you like it best, Ma? When it's like gold and
velvet?'
'Every time is best,' she had replied. 'Even when the blustery wind
makes the little silver horses jump out of the water with fright. And
when the water turns bottle green and rises like an icy mountain that
towers way, way above your head! That's when you feel its power.'

The man beside me suddenly pulled the carriage to an abrupt halt and I
saw for the first time in my life this strange and awesome thing of
which my mother had spoken. For some time the man and I sat and stared
at the flat, grey surface that stretched as far as the eye could
see.
Disappointment made my heart sink down to my shoes.
There were no golden nuggets - or silver horses. All I could see was a
dull, lifeless expanse of water, over which hovered an eerie mist that
was no different from the mist that hovered around the hill tops back
home. Angry tears pricked my eyelids as I realised that Ma had lied to
me.
'It's not moving.'
'Of course it's moving, laddie,' he replied, looking at me kindly, as
though he could sense my disappointment. 'It's just that you can't see
it from here.' He jabbed a bony finger at the point where the land
ended. 'See there? If you were to go and stand on the edge of that
cliff and look down, then you'd see it move.'
Hope filled my breast.
'Can I?' I asked, but the man shook his head.
'After we've introduced you to your granny and granda.' Then, with a
crack of the whip we were off again, this time at a slower pace as we
traced the jagged line of the cliff top as it led us farther from
home.
Presently we arrived at a cottage that stood a way back from the cliff
top. It was smaller that Ma had described, and all around the door hung
strange looking baskets that I knew were used to catch fish. Ma had
told me how she and her Pa used to fasten the baskets on the beach and
wait for the tide to come in and fill them with fish and then they'd
come home and the music of the sea would lull her to sleep.
I listened now, trying to hear its music, but all I heard was the
dragon's roar and the angry hiss.
'I want to go home,' I whimpered.
'You are home, laddie,' he growled. 'Now stay there until I tell you
to move.'
He got down from the carriage and knocked at the cottage door. After a
moment it opened and he stepped inside. I strained my eyes, trying in
vain to glimpse the person who had opened the door. I heard voices from
inside but the words were inaudible. After a while I grew bored and
climbed down from my seat, where I stood, stretching my cramped legs.
Throwing my head back, I breathed deeply. The sharp air swelled my
lungs and made my throat sting deliciously. Nothing smelled the same as
it did at home. The damp, earthy smell had been replaced by a salty,
fishy tang that was both familiar and unfamiliar.
'&;#8230;And the smell of the sea Peter!' Ma's voice drifted from
the cliff tops. 'It's like fresh fish and salted spring cabbage - and
it bites you if you let it!'
'Ma?' I began to move towards the cliff top, certain that she was
hiding just at the point below which he could see the land disappear.
'Ma? Are you there?'
'And - Peter - when the tide's in you'll know that the sea can be
angry too. You'll see it hitting the rocks with all its might - and
always - always coming back for more! Oh no - the sea is never afraid.
Not even of the biggest rocks in the whole world.'
'Ma?' I was a few feet away from the top of the cliff and as I looked
down my heart soared! Below me I saw the petticoats - but they were
much lacier than Ma had said, and they billowed like sheets across the
jagged surface of the rocks. The sun was rising now and as it burned
away the mist I saw - not only silver horses - but salmon ones too. I
saw rubies, sapphires and emeralds as well as gold and silver - and the
silver horses had wings and gilded chariots! Ma had never mentioned
those!
'I see it all Ma,' I breathed, knowing that she was there, watching
anxiously for my reaction. 'And it's beautiful - just the way you told
me.' I heard her sigh - and then leave me forever.
Tears filled my eyes but I was content that I had told her that she
had been right about the sea. She would never know that I had lied
about it being just the way she had described. As I stood there gazing
at the splendour before me I felt that Ma's descriptions had never done
the sea justice at all. No description ever could. Before me lay an
untamed beauty that was more perfect than anything I had imagined.
Suddenly I knew that I was home.
'Peter?' Behind me was a voice that was like and unlike Ma's. I turned
and saw two people walking towards me, their arms outstretched.
'Welcome home, laddie,' said Granda, his eyes bright with tears.