K Happy New Century

Happy New Century
Ruth had absolutely no intention of starting the next century the way
she was destined to end this one.
Out with the old - in with the new!
That became her new motto when the Millennium grew close.
The yearning for a new life ate away at her until by November she
could think of little else but all the old things she had to
change&;#8230; And there were so many things.

Her husband Arthur, for a start.
Now he was really old. Not so much in years, you understand - but in
attitude. Forty, going on sixty - that's what he was. He still played
Rolling Stones records and rolled up the sleeves of his jackets, like
Rod Stewart. Arthur wore his shirts open to the navel to reveal a gold
medallion on a thick chain, and he still used 'Brylcreme' on his long
hair.
Well, now Fate had stepped in and she had met the young,
shaven-haired, Oasis-loving Tony! And suddenly the transition from an
old husband to a young stud was no more than a simple 'goodbye'
away.
Happy new century! Goodbye Arthur!

Her house was old too. Not old in the quaint 'olde worlde' style,
either. No - it was plainly and simply old fashioned in a dated
seventies sort of way. But good old 'let's-live-in-the-past' Arthur
liked it that way because, he said, it reflected his personality. Well
- that was certainly true. Everything in the house was dated - from the
blankets in the bedroom to the enamel stove in the kitchen. Arthur
wouldn't dream of relinquishing his woollen blankets and patchwork
quilt to sleep under a pure down duvet.
"You can't beat the old-fashioned bedding." He would say.
Nor could he imagine the advantages of having a separate hob and oven
in the kitchen.
"It's far better to have everything together - nice and compact!" he
said.
Lino on the floor and a runner for the stairs - that was better than
fitted carpets in his opinion&;#8230;(70s men didn't have to do the
cleaning.) And if brown and orange didn't feature in the colour scheme
he wasn't interested in redecorating.
Happy new century! Goodbye shrine to the 70's!

And there were the ornaments and paintings, too.
Honestly - theirs must be the only household in the nineties in which
that painting of the Chinese woman on a red background still had pride
of place above the beige and brown diamond-tiled mantelpiece! A thick
pot vase adorned the split-log effect coffee table, and chunky crockery
lined the painted kitchen shelves. Great orange and brown balls hung
from the centre of each of the downstairs ceilings. Honestly!
Happy new century! Goodbye tacky memorabilia!

And when it came to entertaining - well - they had hardly moved
forwards at all since 1975. They were probably still the only couple in
the 1990s who still organised fondue parties and played vinyl records
for their guests. Pink Floyd were 'too heavy' until the end of the
evening, when everyone had mellowed, thanks to copious helpings of
Cinzano and lemonade - and the best dance music was Abba.
Unbelievable!
Happy new century! Goodbye golden oldies!

"What do you want for Christmas Ruthie Baby?" It was three weeks
before the turn of the century.
Ruth grimaced at 'Ruthie' and cringed at 'Baby.'
"A new life Arthur - that's what I want. I want to greet the
twenty-first century in twenty-first century style&;#8230; I'm
afraid it's 'Goodbye' Arthur.
Easy!
The next day Ruth moved into Tony's brand new apartment, which boasted
up-to-the-minute kitchen gadgets, a PC, a DVD, a CD player and the
latest music. Absolutely nothing dated pre-1999. And absolutely
everything had a place in the new century.
"Wow! Now this is what I call 'New Century!" Ruth thought that she
must be the luckiest woman on earth.

"Hey Babe - why don't you get your eyebrows pierced?" Tony had studs
in his eyebrows, nose, ears and tongue.
"Okay."
Ruth didn't mention that she was a bit squeamish when it came to body
piercing. But the following day she went out and got new studs inserted
in places where she had never imagined could be
pierced&;#8230;.
Hello New Century Woman!

"It's just a little pill, Babe. You'll feel really good if you swallow
it!"
Ruth was feeling a fraction less than good as she stood in a squalid
warehouse that was inappropriately called 'Paradise.' She felt like an
ageing ewe amongst spring lambs. An over-dressed forty something
amongst scantily-clad twenty somethings who had already swallowed their
'little pill' and who clearly felt very good indeed - judging by their
wild gyrations. She swallowed it. Maybe it would curb the desire to go
home, put her feet up and watch Coronation Street.
"It's a great discoth?que, Tony!" Ruth tried to convince herself that
she was enjoying it. It was just a pity that the deafening music didn't
seem to have any proper words&;#8230;&;#8230;.
"It's not a 'discoth?que' - it's a 'RAVE,'" said Tony, with a frown.
"Honestly!" he exclaimed, rolling his eyes in despair, "Sometimes I
think that you still live in the 70s!"
"Don't be ridiculous! The 70s were the worst years of my life."
Hello New Century wave-length!
"This music is FANTASTIC!" Ruth knew the jargon.
"Don't you mean 'COOL?'" Tony knew it better.
"Cool, fantastic, FAB&;#8230;.whatever you want to call it.
Er..what is it exactly?"
"It's RAP, Babe. Doesn't it really get you?"
Ruth nodded, wishing that it would 'get' her home. She smiled weakly
and tentatively tried out a few gyrations, aware that what she was
doing with her arms and legs wasn't the same as what everyone else was
doing. Now - if she could just move her hips the way the other girls
were doing&;#8230;&;#8230;.
"OUCH!" Suddenly Ruth stopped mid-gyration and clutched her back.
"Tony! I've pulled a muscle! I can't move!"
"Well, just stand still then Babe! If you just feel the beat you'll
forget the pain. WOW! Isn't it COOL?"
"But Tony&;#8230;.." Ruth's voice tailed off as she saw a glazed
expression pass over his eyes. She tried not to cry as she realised
that he didn't give two hoots about whether she was injured or
not."
Hello New Century selfishness!

"Look what I've bought you Babe!" Ruth was soaking her strained
muscles in a soothing Radox bath when Tony appeared at the door. He
held up a scrap of shiny material that masqueraded as a blouse.
"I can't wear that Tony. I'd look ridiculous!" Even with her New
Century attitude Ruth knew that she was far too old to show her midriff
- even with her pierced belly button.
"But all the Babes are wearing them Babe!" protested her New Century
man.
"Well - this Babe isn't one of them - Babe," she retorted coldly. "In
fact - this Babe isn't going to any more Raves - and she isn't popping
any more pills - and she's going to watch Coronation Street tonight
instead of 'hanging out' down that shack with a host of
no-hopers!"
"I think it's best if we split up Babe," said Tony firmly.
Ruth nodded, wallowing in the overwhelming sense of relief that washed
over her.
Goodbye New Century Man! And good riddance!
The romance had lasted exactly three weeks.

"Arthur!" The house was in darkness when Ruth arrived an hour later
carrying a suitcase. It was New Year's Eve and she was homeless.
A light went on upstairs and Arthur appeared in the hall.
"Can we talk?" she asked. What she really wanted was to crawl into bed
and wrap herself around his forty-year-old body whilst he stroked her
hair and soothed her to sleep. That was what Arthur did best, when he
wasn't trying to be Mick Jagger.
"I don't think we have much to say Ruth." Arthur's voice was flat and
sad. "I'm not your type any more - you've made that clear."
"I was wrong Arthur." Ruth was close to tears as she realised that it
wasn't going to be that easy to persuade Arthur to take her back.
"Can't we try again? I prefer things the way they were - you know - old
and dated. I don't like all this 'New Century' stuff at
all&;#8230;&;#8230;"
"Well it's a bit too late to change your mind now Ruth," he exclaimed,
pushing open the living room door. Ruth gasped in horror.
Gone were the brown walls and the memorabilia.
"I've redecorated the living room. I think pale green brightens it up,
and these little water-colours go well with the new furniture. What do
you think?"
Ruth could only nod.
"And I've bought one of those new CD players. Do you like Oasis?" Ruth
nodded again and her heart soared. Arthur must really love her if he
had gone to all this trouble&;#8230;.
"Oh darling!" she cried. "Thank you! I'll make it all up to you, I
promise!" She moved towards him, her arms outstretched and her eyes
shining with love.
"Wait!" His voice stopped her in her tracks. "That's not all."
Ruth nodded.
"It's enough for now darling," she murmured. But Arthur shook his head
and had just opened his mouth to speak when a voice drifted in through
the door.
"What's going on Arthur? We're supposed to be having our own private
New Century 'RAVE.' Come on, darling - the Champagne's getting warm
under the duvet&;#8230;"
Ruth swung round and found herself face to face with a young blonde.
Her eyes widened in horror, but Arthur merely shrugged.
"After you'd gone I realised I'd have to move with the times - and
then Fate stepped in to find me a 'New Century' woman." He turned
proudly to the blonde.
"Ruth - meet Lucy - my fianc?e."
END
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