Father

Dear Father,
who would have thought I was going to write this letter?
The last years were so difficult. Time is passing so fast when we take
of our time for each other, even though that is exactly what we have to
do. It was my own choice and the only choice I could do then. But I
hope that I will do much happier choices in the future.

In the beginning I almost thought it was fun. Dad, who never let anyone
be part of his private life, wanted my support. I stood up for the
challenge, I felt brave, but I didn?t know how big challence it
was.

My father tried to act a role as long as possible. Sometimes it became
vulgar because he tried to hide that he didn?t want to be alone,
pretending to be happy just because he didn?t kno what was going
on.

I had no idea of what he was going through. Nobody explained anything
and we tried to adjust to what was new. It became harder and finally my
father could no longer be part of any normal conversation.

It would have been easier if he had shown the feelings that we expected
him to have. But when a grown up person becomes mean, well then it?s
hard to remeber that he is unhappy.

All the books became unimportant. I think that is why he told me I
could take which ever books I wanted.

The illness progressed and somehow we found routines. I took care of my
fathers feet which began to get stiff and crooked. I was afraid he
would lose his feet, like grandfather did. And once a week we went for
a walk.

Sometimes I lost my patience. I wish I hadn?t said those mean things
and I hope that he doesn?t remember what I said. I am very happy that I
was not the only child, that there were two of us that could help tace
care of him.

I wonder if it was this security that finally made it possible for him
to respond to human friendlyness again. That there was somebody he
could trust who made him understand that it had to come to an
end.

It is absolutely fantastic to see how well he is doing in his new home
for elderly people. The people that works there are wonderful and the
old ones seem to have their own fellowship. It makes a daughter
happy.