Saturday Heaven?

It was a normal Saturday in my house. It was 11AM and we had done the usual Saturday routine that all couples that have been going out for years do.

Firstly, I wake up later around 9:30 and usually pester my partner for sex. There is nothing usually said just that familiar grinding in to your partner's back. You know the one, where you are being so obvious and eventually they relent to get you off them.

After the 20 minutes of routine sex, (well actually it it was more like 5 but as a man I find it hard to admit the truth) I realise that it is 10:10 and McDonald's stop serving McMuffins in 20 mins. So off I dash in the car in my pyjamas still on to the drive through.

After eating breakfast, 2 cups of coffee and a dose of James Martin on the TV, we both look at each other. This always happens on a Saturday, it is an unspoken code between us. We are both gauging if we should/want/don't want to do anything today. Clear indications I do not want to do anything are that I still have not got dressed at midday, I am moaning about how tired I am or I am vomiting or threatening to vomit because of a self inflicted hangover.

This Saturday there was a clear indication that he wanted to do something. He was dressed, and looking at furniture catalogues. Not a good sign to start with.

"What do you think of this?" he says pointing at some shelves that look large and heavy.

"Yeah...nice" I replied, not really looking or caring, just thinking to my self "Please no, anything but that!"

Then the words came slipping out of his mouth, the most hideous, repellent words a man can ever hear from their partner.....

"You fancy going to IKEA?"

"Nooooooooooo!, fuck no! double fuck no, I fucking hate that fucking place with an almighty passion, don't you do this to me, if you do I will fucking not take the bin out for weeks" I screamed in my mind at the thought of spending any sort of time in that place.

It wasn't just the place I hated it was that the IKEA experience doesn't seem to just stay there, it follows you home in the form of furniture.....that needs assembling.....by you...whilst they watch as they are 'weaker' and 'wouldn't know what they were doing'.

"OK then" I say smiling.

"My God Chris, what a loser, can't even stand up to him" I chuntered to myself as we headed of to the car.

So we get there and it is the usual rig marole of finding a parking space with him moaning that I always park too far away and screaming in my ear "Just back in, Just back in" as all partners seem to do when they are in the passenger seat.

We head in and knew I will intensely hate this visit as every other time I have been.

He has picked the shelves, but not as any normal person would do and go straight to the warehouse to pick them up, we have to go round the exhibition of crap for an hour. "Just in case I see something I like" he says.

So off we go round the exhibition. I am trying to get some rest on the sofas with the other men, who are also being hounded by cries of "You like this?, You think you could put this up?, Peter are you listening to me?" There really should be crèche for men at IKEA, where we can have a beer and moan about the missus.

Eventually we reach the end, he has seen nothing. All we have is tea lights, which are just small candles as I keep pointing out sarcastically.

We head to the warehouse to find these shelves, with me pushing the inevitable wobbly trolley, which everyone seems to be afflicted with.

"Aisle 45, row 28" he says marching off. "Now it comes in 2 parts and the other is Aisle 105 row 28"

"105!! how the hell can there be over 100 aisles in this place, it is like a maze!" I say to myself

"OK dear" I say out load, again, I have failed to stand up for myself as all men fail to in IKEA.

We get the first humongous flat pack from aisle 45 and head off to aisle 105, which seems to be round the back somewhere past the refunds department.

We get there. "It isn't here" my partner says calmly.

"Give me that" I shout at him taking the piece of paper which shows where the gesigsjsomethingorother shelf is. I look at the same place. It isn't there.

"Go and ask someone" he says in the voice that says that I am a big strong man and he is so weak and I must save him. So off I go and find 'Zack - Customer Service Advisor'

"Yeah mate, we sold out init." he says casually.

I am fuming by this point but somehow I manage to hold it together.

"When do you think you will have them back in stock?" I ask politely

"Tomorrow is it" he says, which annoys me more as he said 'is it' in a bizarre sentence construction move.

That was it, I flipped, I grabbed my man,the tea light candle things slipped out of his hand all over the floor and I marched off to the car barging through the checkouts to disgruntled barks from people and knocking over one lady's stupid carrier bag saving device which was oh so Swedish in design. I just didn't care by this point. We drove home in silence, knowing any mention of IKEA for the incident that just took place would lead to tears, either tears of fear from him, or more likely, tears of desperation from me.

The next day, Sunday, which is pretty much the same routine as Saturday, except without the sex came and the moment where we look at each other came. My look was clearly, I want to watch TV and get Chinese later, while he didn't look at me and just said. "fancy getting them shelves today?"

"No absolutely not never again" I said confidentially. He backed off and said "OK maybe we'll just order Chinese later and watch TV." I felt great, I had got my way and I was never going back there again...well for a least a couple of months.

The following Saturday, you can be certain where I was......Aisle 105, IKEA.