Haar

The tarmac speeds past my window
I feel alone, detached,
the heavy darkness edges in,
like the haar coming from the sea
my mind cannot see through it;
though I try real hard, to practise what the counsellor told me;
I cannot help, but sit and stare,
hating what I watch, angry,
beyond my window, in myself
I contemplate all manner of destructive things.

I hear imaginary bleak music, noone else can hear; moving in time to
the cold world outside,
my fingers itch to play it,
to give expression to my feeling;
but I'm stuck like a cripple in this chair
pressing into my back.

darkness crushes....
I cannot breathe...

I look around edgy, try to focus;
I'm sure everyone's looking at me, hating me
I know everybody hates me...
the world will be better off without me
what good am I?

I clench, unclench my fists,
the haar is deep in me now,
can't see my thoughts;
the only lighthouse, death,
to never wake up again,
to end this inner pain.
Who cares what anyone thinks if you're dead?

darkness crushes....
help I can't breathe, I need to get off this bus, go somewhere...
anywhere... escape... Oh God can't you help me? Stop this
madness...

... no...

I clutch my stomach, nausea turning
head spinning -
is this a side effect of the tablets?

... the haar is spreading, the world is lost,

quick, get off the bus, walk alone, there's someone calling me, but I
cannot hear, my frequency is distorted.

I get on the boat, climb to the very top,
away from the people,
breathe, breathe in the fresh air.

Nobody likes me, can't blame them
what a fuckup I am
I'm an embarrassment to myself,
to God, to humanity,
I'm pathetic,
best to keep myself here.

and the water looks lovely,
can feel it calling to me.
The haar wraps round me, a cloak of pain;
I feel it's icy fingers nudging me - jump off!

Do it, join the sea, is where you belong, now!

You're there,
I'm cross with you, but can't remember why.
Some petty stupid lame thing really,
I feel ashamed,
it's the last thing you need,
me being all on one like this.
I struggle to snap out of it....

but... can't... get away, heaviness closing in on me, everything...
crushing... can't fight back, don't know how. Jesus? please help
me.

Your holding me, telling me you love me.

I tell you of my plans to jump off the boat and become a drop in the
ocean.

you tell me this is wrong, that I promised never to leave you.

I feel tears swell in my eyes,

the haar, the haar is blinding everything.

Must fight back,

I love you. I try to respond, but my mouth is dry. Is this the
tablets?

Feel my body convulse, my mind go darker and darker, can't seem to
focus, the world is blurred with haar.

you don't give up, you're still there trying to help me, I see you
really do love me.

I try to swallow my fear, and agree to go inside the boat with you;
where it is warm and dry. You're right, it is freezing out here on the
deck.

I walk in the lounge; but the faces, so many faces. I feel my chest
grow tight at the sight of all these people, my jaw begins to clench,
paranoia thumps through my heart. I can't be in here, need to be alone,
space and the sea is calling, the haar... is where I belong.

back on the freezing deck ...

I see echoes of my mum and dad getting divorced... playing again and
again in my mind;

please God don't let this happen to us...let us stay together as one
family... please God. I love her, I'm sorry for being crazy.

my fear of losing you chokes my heart, you say you'll never leave me
for someone else, that what we've got is special.

I hope we won't seperate

your holding me tight,
you know what I'm thinking,
you're not gonna let me go;
nothing I do, however dark and crazy,
can push you away from me,
this is love, true love,
somewhere safe and warm.

I tell you I'm sorry for acting so crazy.
You say it's OK, it's part of the illness I have

is this really an illness?
Will I get better again...?

I hold your hand in mine, promise never to leave you, promise to never
contemplate such a foolish thing again. Will always stay by your
side...

The haar is losing it's grip on me, can feel it's icy fingers slip slip
away; and though it's cold out here, all I feel is warmth as we hug
each other closer...

and gaze at the twinkling lights on the hill, in the trees;

and somewhere angels are singing...

love.