The Right Man for the Job Part 6

Paula decided not to fire us. Not even Eleanor. She had noticed that we were the most productive group. Therefore firing us would be, well, counterproductive. But she did issue us a warning and had us vow we wouldn’t do anything like that again.
Just after our shift ended, I caught up with Darlene. She had been given an opportunity to shower and change. Her hair was flat because she didn’t have access to her usual cosmetic materials. A white bandage was fixed on the bridge of her nose. She was sitting on a curb, dejected.
“Have you talked to her yet?” I asked. She shook her head. “How’s your nose?”
“Fine. I just look stupid.”
“I’m sorry all this had to happen.”
“I just don’t know why, Kelso. Why?”
“I don’t know. She’s a bit of an enigma. Eleanor Enigma.”
We sat in silence for a while.
Then, Darlene said, “I’ve seen the way you look at her. I know you have feelings for her.”
I didn’t deny it. “Do you think she knows?” I asked her.
“Beats me. But you should tell her.”
I changed the subject. “Listen, Darlene, you’re probably not on good terms with Eleanor right now. But I don’t want you to leave. I like you guys too much. We’re good together. You know, usually.”
“Don’t worry, Kelso. I won’t leave.” Then she sat up and left.
I stayed there, staring down at my sneakers. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone sit down next to me. It was Eleanor. She had avoided any stupid-looking bandages.
“Hi,” she said.
I kept staring at my shoes. I was planning out how I would confess my love. I didn’t know if I could do it. She was too intimidating.
“Since you’re here, I should tell you something, Eleanor,” I began. She was looking right at me, listening intently. She was so beautiful. I had to cover my face in my hands. I just couldn’t look at her. “You’re a swell broad.”
“I’m a what?”
“Wait, scratch that. You are… a saucy Italian.”
“Look at me, Kelso.”
“I can’t.” I snuck a peek between my fingers. There she was. I let fly a small squeal, and covered my face again. “I have something for you,” I started.
“What? What do you have for me?”
I hesitated, and then blurted out, “Feelings. The things I have for you are feelings. I have feelings for you.”
She didn’t respond at first. Then I felt her hand rubbing my back, and I grew excited. Then she spoke.
“Oh, Kelso. You’re a sweet guy. But I like girls.”
She said it so matter-of-factly. I finally took my hands away from my face and looked at her.
“Listen, Eleanor, if you’re not interested in me then just say so. You don’t have to make excuses.”
“Trust me, it’s the truth. I’m gay, Kelso. I’m a lady-lover, a female fan, a girl-getter.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
I flopped over on the ground in dismay. “Why are you saying this now? You could’ve saved me some trouble.”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to confront anyone with it right away. I thought you two wouldn’t want to spend time with me anymore if I did that.”
“Don’t be silly. Darlene and I wouldn’t have banished you from the group.”
“I suppose you’re right. Still, it’s not something I readily share with others. Besides, I thought maybe you already had figured it out.”
“You kidding? You’re one tough egg to crack. You’re hard-boiled.”
“Listen, if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the only one who has feelings for someone.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve got it bad for Darlene.”
“That rhymes. Hey, wait a minute—what?! Darlene? Our Darlene?”
She nodded. “That’s what that whole shenanigan was about. I pushed her out of the cart because I was angry that she wasn’t showing interest in me. And this after she and I were really warming up to each other.”
“What, did you think she was gay too?”
“I thought it was possible. I liked her from the very beginning. As soon as I saw her I wanted her. That’s what was on my mind. Still is.” She really sounded like she meant it. “I’m not giving up on her.”
“What are you going to do about it? Tell her how you feel?”
“Actually, I was hoping you could tell her how I feel.”
“Me? Why me?”
“Because she’s not angry with you. She’ll listen to you better. You could diffuse the tension. Butter her up for me.”
The image of Darlene lathered in butter forced its way into my thoughts. It was wild enough as it was, but then an image cropped up of Eleanor licking a moist, buttery Darlene. I personally think that kind of thing is arousing, so just for kicks I inserted myself into this fantasy just so I could be present.
But this whole idea of telling Darlene about Eleanor’s feelings seemed pointless. As far as I could tell, Darlene wasn’t queer. But Eleanor looked at me with these eyes of great yearning so that I couldn’t refuse her.
“Okay, I’ll do it. Just watch the cholesterol, Eleanor.”
“What?”
“Never mind.”

I was at work earlier than usual the next day, hovering around the parking lot. I wanted to be there before Darlene arrived so I could whisk her away so we could have a private discussion about the juicy secret I stumbled upon the day before.
When I saw her pull up I ran to her door and yanked it open and started rustling her out of the car. I undid her seatbelt for her and escorted her to the hotel lobby. I found the continental breakfast and sat us down at an empty nearby table.
“What is it, Kelso?” she demanded, miffed. “We’ve got work to do.”
“It’ll have to wait just a smidgen. I talked to Eleanor yesterday.”
“Yeah?” She sucked down some coffee.
“Yeah. She wasn’t interested.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.” There wasn’t much sympathy in her voice, but I wasn’t looking for it, so whatever.
“She’s not interested in any boy. She’s a lesbian.”
“Oh shut up. She is not.”
“Is too. She told me. She meant it.”
“Are you serious?”
“I wouldn’t yank your chain about this.”
She slurped her coffee pensively and licked her lips. “Wow. I wouldn’t have figured. I guess I’m no good at identifying the signs. No gaydar. You don’t have any either, apparently.”
“There’s more.” I looked around for a drink and then remembered I didn’t have one. Darlene waited. “You,” I said, pointing at her face.
“Me what?” She pushed my finger aside.
“She wants you. Bad.”
“Wants, what do you mean wants?”
“Wants as in an interest in being your bedfellow. That kind of wants.”
“Get out. She told you this?”
“Yeah. She likes you oodles, Darlene. That’s the why you were looking for. That’s why she booted you into the mud and called you a bitch—she loves you.”
Darlene sat back and rubbed her chin. “She’s jealous.”
“Exactly. She didn’t confront you herself ‘cause she was afraid you’d snap at her. So she sent me, a liaison of love… or lesbianism.”
“Well I don’t know what to tell her. I’m not after women. Does she understand what kind of position she’s putting me in?”
“I doubt it. You know what they say about the passions clouding one’s judgment.”
She rapped her fingers on the table. Something occurred to her. “If you’re making this up, I’ll punch you in the face. I really will.”
“I wish I were making it up. I told you I’m not in the business of yanking chains.”
She gave a sigh of resignation. “This is going to be so awkward for me now.”
“Me too. I think I’m going to get some apple juice.” I got up.
Darlene reached out and snatched my shirt. “What are we supposed to do? What am I supposed to do?” She asked me, her eyes bulging behind her superfluous shades.
“She may just get over you.”
“So do I just do nothing?”
“Try not to hurt her feelings.”
“Should I tell her that her love is unrequited?”
“Then you’d be hurting her feelings.”
“So do nothing?”
“Sure.”
Armed with a plan, Darlene and I got ready for work. Ironically, it was Eleanor’s turn to drive Caravantastic that day. I sat in the passenger seat, bracing myself for another potential bout of road rage. Darlene was in back, trying to shrink from view. Eleanor kept glancing over at me, wanting to ask if I had told her. I tried to tell her with my eyes that yes I did tell her, but it’s not happening for you.
During our daily tasks, Darlene kept as far away from Eleanor as possible, consistently distancing herself from her by several yards. She tried not to speak to her as well, and faked laryngitis as a means of getting out of conversations with her admirer. One time Eleanor approached her and Darlene just ran away, claiming in a raspy voice that she had to go check on something.
“You were supposed to butter her up!”
“I tried! She wasn’t willing to be buttered. She’s not a dinner roll.”
The shirking continued. Later, when we were doing some heavy lifting, Eleanor feigned some back pain.
“Hey, Darlene. Can you come over and rub this sore spot?”
“Kelso, can you do that? My hands are full,” she rasped.
I walked over to provide a backrub but she brushed me aside.
“But I’ve got magic fingers!” I claimed, because it’s pretty true. She didn’t seem to hear me. It was clear that Eleanor had not yet given up on Darlene.
So at the end of the day, after work was finished, Darlene felt compelled to approach Eleanor about the situation, thus ditching the rasp. Darlene was very frank about how she felt. But she was also very tactful, telling Eleanor she was all for being friends, but there were some things she would just not do. Despite Darlene’s reasonableness, Eleanor did not take it very well.
I had stayed a little after hours to just think about things. Sometimes I liked to take a stroll and watch the sunset and look at the boats out at sea. I was on one of these walks when Eleanor found me. She had been running and was panting heavily. She had been looking for me. Tears were rolling down her face.
“You’re the only one who cares about me, Kelso. You’re the only friend I have!” she exclaimed between deep breaths. Then she did something odd.
She clasped both her hands to my face and started kissing me. It was a very wild, untamed kissing. I could sense her sadness as she moved her tongue around in my mouth. It was a tongue that seemed to be brimming with tears instead of saliva. She moved her hands all over my face. She was ferociously inhaling and exhaling through her flared nostrils. What I once thought would be a tremendously arousing moment, was in actuality the moment when I lost all physical attraction to Eleanor.
She stopped. A pained look came upon her face. “Oh that was terrible,” she murmured. She began to back away. “I’m not giving up, Kelso. I’ll show her I’m the only woman for her. I don’t care if she claims to be straight. I’ll make her believe otherwise!” And then she rushed off, waving her arms like a frightened chicken might move its wings.
So I was left standing there. I interpreted this encounter as Eleanor being so desperate to find a port to land her hormonal ship, that my mouth was the only viable option after Darlene had shut her port down. As I looked out at the boats, a new, interesting thought came to mind: I wanted Darlene, just like Eleanor did. And why not? Darlene was good-looking. Up until that point, she had been dwarfed in my eyes by Eleanor’s beauty. I often noticed Darlene’s sublimely coiffed doo, but I had neglected to appreciate her shapely curves, her compact body, her cute face. And what a sense of humor she had! By gum, it seemed quite a bit like mine. Except she had a little more focus. And I realized how beneficial this was. She could really whip someone like me into shape. Best of all, she was a heterosexual like me.
I started walking to the parking lot. It was getting dark. Suddenly, a worried Darlene appeared and came up to me.
“Have you seen Eleanor?” she asked.
“Yeah, a few minutes ago. She seemed pretty upset.”
“I know, I know. I wanted to find her so I could calm her down.”
“She ran off. I don’t know where she is now. I think it may take a while for her to get over you.”
As I looked at Darlene and her gorgeous blonde hair, my first urge was to tell her of my newfound feelings for her. But then I thought of Eleanor. She was quite vulnerable right now. She was still my friend, and I didn’t want any hand in making this difficult time for her any more difficult. So I decided to hold my tongue.
She rubbed her eyes. “Well, I guess I’ll see her tomorrow,” Darlene said. She sighed. “I think I’m going to hit the bar. You want to come?”
“No thanks,” I said.
“Are you alright, Kelso?” she asked. “You look down.”
“I’m fine,” I told her, forcing a smile.
“If you say so. See you tomorrow.”
“Bye.”
I watched as she walked off in direction of the hotel. I had turned her drink offer down because I feared I would let my true feelings slip in a state of tipsiness. I usually don’t show so much foresight. But I could have certainly used a drink, because I was concerned. I also wanted to get the salty taste of Eleanor out of my mouth.
When Darlene arrived at work the next day, it didn’t seem like she was concerned in the slightest. In fact, she seemed very chipper. My initial conclusion was that something good had happened to her last night. I hoped it was a pedestrian pleasure and not something achieved below the waist.
Her hair was even more coiffed than usual, as if she had taken extra special care in preparing it this morning. As I was driving, she would rise from the passenger seat and lean out of the cart, arm outstretched, head back, letting the breeze slap her in the face. Sort of like a dog.
“Faster, Kelso. Faster!” she prodded. These particular words had become tantalizing and titillating, practically overnight. I obliged her by pressing down harder on the gas. All the while, Eleanor sat in the backseat, sulking. It had seemed as though we had been jolted back from a far off square, back past square one, and had proceeded beyond square zero and into the negative squares.
That evening after work, Darlene insisted we go to the bar with her. I was resistant as before. But Darlene practically dragged us in with her. I soon realized she didn’t just want drinks.
The night before, Darlene apparently had become chummy with none other than Robert Duffy. Bobby Bartender. Eleanor and I sat at a table while Darlene stood at the bar and giggled wildly and primped her hair like some bimbo. I came to believe the only reason she brought us there was so she could show off. We both sat sullenly as we watched our love interest fawn over what looked like a real chucklehead. I was disgusted. And my beer tasted funny too. Eleanor seemed real angry. Her bloodshot eyes had dark circles around them. I smelled her hair and realized it certainly had lost some of its luster. I wish I could’ve comforted her, but I couldn’t look her in the face and tell her it’s going to be okay when I wanted exactly what she wanted. It seemed that Darlene had lost all regard for Eleanor’s feelings all of a sudden. But Darlene had tried to reason with her beforehand. Nonetheless, Eleanor didn’t seem like she could be convinced of letting go. On my part, I knew that if I proceeded in this manner I wouldn’t be happy at all. So I started thinking of ways I could make myself feel better. First thing I did was get up, pay, and walk out.