The Right Man for the Job Part 9

I love weddings. I know a lot of people might tell you that, but it’s true. Preparing for a wedding is not so much fun, however. Everything becomes so hectic. It’s hard to get motivated to please people you don’t even know. At least that’s what I think. We had to set up tables and chairs and an arbor and frilly decorative things that weddings have. Plus we had to find the ideal location so they could have a nice view of the ocean without all the curious bystanders.
But the interesting thing about it was that all the employees were working together, as opposed to working in groups as we had been doing up to this point. Thus, I had easy access to Darlene and Eleanor, the latter being the first I came up to.
“It’s so good to see you, Kelso!” she exclaimed. If she was at all uneasy about seeing me again after my unannounced departure, she didn’t show it. “You know, up close.”
“It’s good to see you too. How have things been?”
“Fine.” I didn’t believe her. She looked dreadful—tired all over. But her hair looked nice. In fact, she had coiffed it in the style of Darlene’s. It was a bit surprising. I thought about mentioning her new look but I decided not to. It could wait.
“Listen, Eleanor, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about me leaving. It’s not that I stopped liking you guys. I just needed some alone time. I could go into detail further, but—“
“I understand, Kelso. Well, maybe not exactly, but I respect your decision.”
“I’m glad. Maybe I’ll tell you more about it later. Hey, I met someone in my travels elsewhere. I’d like you to meet her.” I looked behind me and gestured for Barbara Michelle to approach. She came forth, practically beaming with anticipation. Eleanor seemed to perk up.
“Hi, I’m Barbara Michelle.”
“Hello. I’m—“
“Eleanor. Kelso told me. I like that name a lot.”
“Thanks. I like yours a lot too. You have two of them.”
Barbara Michelle giggled. Eleanor smiled at her. Finding them content with each other, I left them alone. I had one last person to catch up with.
I found her standing at a table covered with nuptial necessities. She was getting a small basket. I went up to the same table and got a basket of my own. She turned to face me. She had her big shades on.
“The Employee of the Month wants to show me up, is that it?” she asked.
I looked in the basket. It was full of little flower petals to decorate the ground with. Just in case the flower girl they had lined up was unsatisfactory, I suppose.
“No, Darlene. I just want to talk.”
“Now he wants to talk,” she muttered. We both set out at a slow pace, occasionally dropping petals.
“I’m sorry if you feel like I abandoned you. But that’s not what I was doing. Eleanor respects my decision.”
“Eleanor’s a basket-case.”
“Is not. She’s our friend.”
“She persisted, Kelso. All that time you were gone she persisted. She even did her hair up like mine.”
“I saw that. It looks nice.”
“It’s weird.”
“You’re not flattered?”
“Of course not. I’ve felt like I’ve had no privacy since you’ve been away.”
“I’m sorry about that. Didn’t you get another group member because of the new hires?”
“No. I’m pretty sure we were blacklisted. I don’t think Paula wanted to stick a fresh face with the crazies who have a reputation of racing golf carts and scaring away boys such as yourself.”
“Oh.”
“Why did you go, Kelso? You didn’t even tell us.”
“I needed some alone time.”
“Don’t give me that.”
“But I did.”
“It’s lowdown to ditch out on your friends.”
I took a fistful of petals and flung them on the ground in anger. “It’s lowdown to hook up with the bartender in front of the girl who just confessed her feelings for you and the guy who—and the guy—and—me.”
She seemed unabashed. “I told her the deal, Kelso. It’s not my fault.”
“I know you told her. But she was still vulnerable. Otherwise, I would’ve—“
“What? You would have what?”
“Done something.”
“I just thought her seeing me with Robert would be something to get me off her mind faster. And also…“
“What?”
“Nothing. So how’s your new posse?”
“It’s good. Troy’s in it.”
“Yes. I remember him chasing me a couple times.”
“He’s not a big fan of yours.”
“Can’t say I’m surprised.”
“There’s also a girl named Barbara Michelle. She’s into girls just like Eleanor is. As a matter of fact, the two are getting to know each other now.” I motioned to where the two were standing. Darlene looked.
“You’re serious? You mean I’m free?”
“Looks like it. But you don’t have to put it that way.”
“You’re right. I should be nicer.” She carelessly emptied her basket on the ground.
“How’s Bobby Bartender? I mean… Robert.”
“Oh we broke up a couple weeks ago. I ended it.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. It was soon after your little acceptance speech.”
“What happened?”
“Oh nothing. I just had to let him go.”
“Something must’ve happened.”
“I just realized that I couldn’t be with him any longer.”
“Did you ever… get it on?”
She looked at me funny. “No.”
I looked in my basket. I was running low on flower petals. And I had to make sure she didn’t part ways with me for good. “Darlene,” I said.
“Yes?”
“I realized something too.”
“What would that be?”
“It was right after Eleanor kissed me.”
“She kissed you? Why? When?”
“It was right after you told her what was what. I think she was just trying to quell some of her desire for you. It was really awful—like she was trying to knock down a piñata with her tongue. But soon afterwards, I found myself on a new plane of existence—one where I no longer fantasized about fondling an attractive, albeit homosexual, female contemporary. Instead, I longed for someone different. You know, someone that’s more like me. Someone straight.”
“Shocking.”
“And that someone is you.”
There was always the possibility that she didn’t share my feelings. But I had said what I wanted to. She had stopped sprinkling petals. She turned to look at me. She took off her shades.
“I’m sorry you had to settle for me, Kelso.”
“Believe me, I wanted to tell you sooner! But Eleanor was so fragile. Then Bobby Bartender came along. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to take it. Don’t you understand?”
“Of course I do. Now you know how I felt.”
I fiddled with my basket, trying to figure out what this meant. I gave up. “What does that mean?”
“It means that from the very first day of work, I knew I had a thing for you, you twit. Believe it or not, your daft demeanor and childlike quirks filled me with budding womanly desire. But soon enough I saw that your sights were set elsewhere. That fool Manly and Bobby Bartender were just to make you jealous, to make you notice me. I was just toying with you.”
I nearly punted my basket. “Are you serious? Are we twelve?”
“Apparently so.”
“Listen, Darlene. It’s true that I liked Eleanor first. But I’m not settling for you. I was misguided at first. I’m sorry I didn’t show you the attention you wanted. But I’m here now, at your proverbial doorstep, yours for the taking. Because I know now that you’re the one who can make me happy.”
She smiled. “I’m sorry I did that to you, Kelso. I didn’t mean for you to leave. The truth is, when I watched you give that speech, I saw the sadness in your eyes, and I knew I had screwed the pooch so to speak. I blamed myself for you leaving. So I did away with that silly suds-master. I wanted to talk to you, but I wasn’t sure, even though you may have hinted at it in your speech, if you liked me. I was afraid of making things worse. So I stayed away. I hope you don’t think I’m a slut.”
“I don’t think you’re a slut. You were being snarky earlier though.”
“I was just being defensive. I guess I just haven’t matured fully yet.”
“I suppose there’s always room for maturation.”
We looked over to where Eleanor and Barbara Michelle stood. They looked so happy.
“I should talk to her,” Darlene admitted. She padded over to them and waited at a reasonable distance until Eleanor noticed her.
“Hi,” Eleanor said.
“Hi. I don’t mean to interrupt,” Darlene began. “Could I just talk to Eleanor alone for a minute?”
“Sure,” Barbara Michelle said, and glided away.
“You really seem to like her,” Darlene said.
“She’s fantastic.”
“Listen, Eleanor, I’m sorry I was so disrespectful of your feelings. I haven’t been a good friend to you lately. I’ve been a real bitch. I just didn’t know how to handle the situation. I panicked. But I do understand what you were going through. I went through it myself.”
“You did?”
“Well, not exactly. I’ll tell you about it later. The point is I should’ve empathized with you to the extent that I could. But at that point, I didn’t have any good advice to impart. Things had yet to play out with my own feelings, and I was a cantankerous disaster.”
Eleanor smiled at her. “I’m sorry too, Darlene. You shouldn’t blame yourself. I shouldn’t have been so dogged in my pursuit. When we first met, you sort of disabled me. I don’t know if it was your evident commitment to hair maintenance or your workplace bombast. There was a period early on where my normal functions were inhibited by thoughts of you. I just found you so irresistible.”
“Well, I can’t blame you,” Darlene joked, striking a pose. Eleanor laughed. “I hope things with you and the other blonde work out, and that we’ll remain friends.”
“Thanks. And I’ll make sure we do.” Darlene turned to go. “I’ll also make sure to change my hair back. This look works better for you.”
Darlene turned back and told her, “It really does.” She returned to me. She rested her hand on my shoulder. “I have to hand it you, Kelso. Finding Eleanor a partner makes you a smooth operator. Everything seemed to work out for the best.”
“I aim to please.”
She gleefully ruffled my hair and took a whiff. “You’ve got some nice-smelling hair.”
I was delighted at this remark. “You mean it?”
She nodded. I showered the ground with my remaining petals and embraced her. “I’m so glad you said that. You know,” I said, “yours smells incredible. I always wanted to tell you that. Eleanor’s is good too, though it’s lost some of its edge. Things have really swung in your favor.”
“You can touch it if you want.”
I was overjoyed. I groped at her illustrious blondeness. “I thought of a nickname for you,” I told her.
“What is it?”
“Darling Darlene.”
“That’s so hokey. But I like it. It beats ‘dirty’ or ‘dumb’.”
“Absolutely.”
Then we made out and it was spectacular.
The wedding was lovely. A nice, slender lady got married to a muscular chap with big hands. There was cake and much rejoicing. Our responsibilities became lax and we were allowed to crash the reception. A live jazz band performed. Timbo and his suede shoes made another appearance. During a slow dance with Darlene, I caught Nancy’s eye and she gave me a nice big thumbs up, which I reciprocated with a flair of gratitude. Eleanor and Barbara Michelle danced together, and even got to practice mouth-to-mouth on each other. Troy had drawn a female crowd as he recounted stories from his days as a towel boy. I rested my chin on Darlene’s shoulder and listened to the wail of a saxophone.
“Some gig, right?” she remarked.
“Some gig.”