Have you heard of discus fish that enjoy Chinese c

HAVE YOU HEARD OF DISCUS FISH THAT ENJOY CHINESE CUISINE?

The till is rolling again at Chan's Takeaway. The Chinese lady is
ready to rob; she is not ashamed to admit that she is Dick Turpin -
minus the mask. She is not ashamed to use her cute dimples to hypnotise
her foe and then make her kill. They have been her trade mark all
through her forty years of life. These gifts from god, they are her
wealth and fortune. So she had to take heed of their value even though
their full potential have not been realised yet. But, at times their
hypnotic effect did not work and she nearly ended up slaving away in
the paddy fields of China.
Feet up, at last. She managed, only just managed to usher the last
drunkard out of her shop. He wanted to take her as well as the food. It
proves that their hypnotic powers even take hold of the least sober of
the human race. She eyes her beauties all over and could kick herself
for her misfortune today. Because tonight, her pets are in for a
disappointment. She cannot offer them their usual treat of white worms.
They could have had the whole of the Takeaway menu but white worms are
definitely out tonight. Here is a woman who has handled the meat
cleaver since she was twelve years old. She can skin, take the fat and
gristle off a beef heart in ten minutes flat. And she cannot give them
even one single worm! Why? Earlier on, she went into the garden to get
some soil to top her up worm container. Yes, you've guessed, she has
shoved in cat excrement instead. So tonight, the little mites cannot be
tamed, they could have had some cat if she had got hold of it earlier -
with the meat cleaver.
As usual, her husband known as the Jap because she reckons that his
eyes are more slant than hers let her plays with her toys. I mean, who
wants to stand in the way of a discus lover! Unless one has divorce on
ones mind, they will make an excellent excuse. As long as she allows
him a brand new Volvo everyone three years, he will not go off with
another woman. But it makes you wonder how on earth did she get the bug
in the first place?
Well, fish keeping began twelve years ago when number one son, a fussy
eater, refused solid food. So while watching the goldfish swimming
around in a bowl, the morsels were rammed down with no trouble. Even
now, nearly a teenager, skinny as a rake, he is still a fusspot, not
much as an advert for his mums takeaway. It was only last week that she
took him to a Clark shoe shop. And did you know that the assistant was
appalled. She couldn't find a pair of shoes to fit! They were the
skinniest ankles that she has ever seen.
The discus bug took hold two years ago and nearly all her senses too.
A friend invited her in to view his prized fish and they were worth
three hundred and fifty pounds! Wow! He has had them for fourteen
months and they were going to be his breadwinners. The bigger of the
two was about three inches and it had a huge cloudy eye that was
dangling from its socket. The smaller one came up to peck at some live
tubifex worms. Its enormous eyes stared at her. They were even bigger
than her dimples! The tails and fins on both fish were rotting away,
even the whiskers were disappearing. He said he only changed the water
every three months. Shocked and disgusted with her friends' effort or
the lack of it, she went home with a dream. Unlike her lazy friend, she
felt like she had more to offer to this sensitive species. So she set
out to achieve an ultimate dream, a challenge so challenging that it
has earned her a new nickname 'Tatty' How did she become a discus
loony?
Well to have the honour of becoming one, you must possess or read
every available literature on the subject. You must visit as many
discus outlets as possible to see how the professionals do it. You must
invest in some good and reliable water purification equipment as water
quality is the basis of many problems. Unlike Tatty' once her giant
trickle box ended up in the tank instead of on top. You must provide a
variety of nutritious food. If you want to achieve the growth rate of
one inch per month, you must be willing to sacrifice your dainty set up
of plants and gravel. Most of all, you must have an understanding
partner and children otherwise you will end up living in the garage,
and of course, have plenty of money to spend.
Tattys' discuses live or suffer most likely from:
1. The smell of Chinese cooking - curries, barbecue spare ribs, soy
sauce etc - the full Monty.
2. Sudden appearances of sweaty socks when the children do somersaults
on the settee.
3. Thunderous noises coming from the potato peeler, everyday.
4. Late night Chinese programmes on satellite TV and they are in a
foreign lingo too.
5. The hypnotic powers of her dimples, they make them forget their
troubles, like no white worm treats.
6. Her Chinese cuisine, their favourite, they honestly love her food
preparations.
She selects the tenderest heart, fresh, straight from the
slaughterhouse. She uses a meat mincing machine to vary the size of
lumps, to fit different size mouths. She adds essential vitamins and
spirulina, plus the best part of her Sunday dinner, a chunk of steak,
100\% lean. Yes, what is good enough for her is good enough for her
pets. They eat what she eats. It is not the case of 'eat where the
Chinese eat' here, but 'eat what the Chinese eat.' The mixture is
bonded together with egg yolk, put in polythene bags, flattened for
easy thawing and then straight into the freezer to kill off harmful
bacteria.
From experience, she found that liquidized beef heart blends too
quickly with aquarium water. Her discuses were not getting the full
nutritional value of each serving. They were in fact really getting
watered down food. And grating is such a messy job. The beauty of her
food preparation is the pure convenience of it all. So, at the moment,
the meat mincer is her fortune, not her dimples. She is hoping that
this magical mixture will help her and lead the way... Her ultimate
challenge is to raise a discus as big as a plate, and then she might
batter it, cook it and feed it to her nagging Jap. Any offers anyone?
She is after a dozen of young discus from big parental stock.
Now, where is that blooming cat?