You couldn't make it up

'Can l help? You look bit lost'.

The play, a wonderful piece of work, Pitmen Paintings, was just about to kick off. This huge, middle-aged bloke was hovering about. His frown looked worried.

'I'm waiting for my wife. She's using the powder room, ma'am'.

'The performance will begin in literally thirty seconds. Can l go see if she's ok? It's been a wee while. Pity to miss the start, isn't it'.

'Well, she got covered in something or other thrown from a window outside. Hope it's only water. She's trying to dry off, l guess'.

Pardon? What you on about.

It's a gorgeous evening, and l had twenty seconds to close doors and settle Seattle-man.

Ok. Apparently after they'd left the Italian place along the road, someone shouted 'help', and as they looked up, she got the brunt of someones high jinks. Bloody disgraceful behavior.

Now, ain't that typical. Here's a lovely guy, all the way from somewhere or other, probably spending a small fortune in a top dollar hotel, told to come visit this beautiful theatre of ours, and some nob end throws a bucket of liquid out of the student flats window. Gosh

Right. Quick. As the lights went down, and curtain was going up, l beckoned him to come with me to the exit. I summoned our front of house manager, gave her the low down, and asked if l could get then back in for the following night, Saturday. Yes, no problem. She took the poor bloke to the bar and poured a couple of large brandies for them. The girls in the bar listened and offered the usual 'aw's and 'no way's, while l ran to find the poor female in the Ladies loo.

As l opened the door, l saw a drowned rat standing in front of the mirror. The poor woman was crying, in shock probably. I ushered her through to the nice, warm bar and we called a cab for them, with the promise of good seats the following night.

She was completely drenched, didn't want to deposit onto our upholstery when offered a wee seat in the cosy snug. I didn't say, but l'm sure the forensics found would be far worse than anyone could imagine, given the age of the chairs. Bless

I had to go back into the auditorium. Health and safety stuff.

At the interval, seventy minutes later, there was a great, big box of expensive chocolates for us. Bought and handed in by the concierge of Edinburgh's finest hotels.

Turns out they were family of one of the cast. That shows you, if you show an act of kindness, it will be rewarded. Oh and our manager just happens to be married to a detective, so he reported the said nobs to the council. Hopefully they'll be chucked out.

Just like they did with the contents of their piss-pot