Always Read the Label Chapter 17 Swinging Both Ways

I'd been getting up in the mornings with a real spring in my step. Not just for the obvious reasons, but that laid the base that combined with the bright, sunny, warm mornings.

I rushed from work, which nothing could make any better, to Camden to buy the NME as soon as it was published and had missed a train through being unable to stop myself reading the review in the live pages. A review is maybe pushing it, but there in black and white were 3 lines dedicated to our support slot in Windsor with Chris's band. '...perhaps the surprise of the night came with the bands first ever gig conjuring up a beauty we could hold instantly deer (sic). Definitely one to watch when their antlers grow'. I was shaking with excitement all the way through the 7 times I read it stood next to the newsagent in Camden Tube station. I'd calmed down by the time I got on the train home and only reread it another dozen times, nearly missing my stop I was so engrossed in it.

Everyone arrived at the rehearsal room the next night with a copy. No one had to open the paper to read the words, but we did to check it really existed as we reeled off the lines we'd learnt by heart. We ran through all the songs and started to work on a new one, but it was obvious we weren't quite concentrating now we had finally arrived. Or at least now it felt like we had. Howard popped his head round the door, closely followed by Ray and his kebab so we called it a night and headed to the Falcon which was filled with similar looking gangs of blokes. I felt different though as I reckoned not many of them had had 3 lines written in the NME about them.

'They've already been asking about you. Yeah and Wiija Records. Both saw the review and got in touch with me and Ray. I guess they thought we were managing you. We could have a chat about it if you want? Nothing's gonna happen from just that review so we have to get you playing more gigs. Better venues where there'll be a crowd. That's the sort of thing me and Ray can sort out. That and things like publishing. Anyone want another before I head off?

We're sipping the drinks soon after Howard and Ray left when something I've never heard about gets brought up by Moose.
'The publishing is only gonna get split between me and Russell, 50 50. Any other stuff we split equally'.
I'm not even sure what publishing is, so ask.
'It's the actual songwriting, where we get paid every time a song gets played, that kind of thing'.

So we all play on the records but only 2 of the group get paid when it gets played on the radio. Hmm. So some gangs are more equal than others then. This must be the thought Russell reads before adding:
'I mean we'll give you some, but most of it is ours' looking to Moose for reassurance, 'we write all the songs'.
'But they get knocked into shape when we rehearse them. You only bring the main tune and some vague lyrics, loads gets added when we play them'.
'Sometimes it does...'
'No, all the time. We've all added something to every song'.
Jeremy has stayed mute so far, knowing where the argument is heading and leaving me to fight the unglamourous members of the band's corner.
'Alright, well you heard what Howard said, we're a long way off that happening, so lets sort it out when we have to, not now'.

I'd lost my enthusiasm to drink as soon as this selfish argument reared it's head and headed off on the next train. Simon was away and as it was still early the pub nearest the flat, The Unicorn, seemed a good idea. I needed to have a chat with Leo Leo about the eviction notice we'd been served. He was at the bar and I ordered a drink while waiting for him to stop repeating himself to the guy he was with, before approaching.

'How are you Leo? Good. We got an eviction notice put through the door the other day. What should we do?
'Looks like you'll have to be making some new plans then. New plans then. There's other flats you could move to. There's other flats. But the games up on that flat now. That flat'.

I was hoping he'd say we could ignore it and keep on living in undisturbed poverty but no, it looks like we'll be moving sooner than planned. One of those hassles you could really do without. I buy Leo a drink, laughing quietly when he asks for a double then finish mine before heading to the door.

'Are you in a band?'
We've done one gig and have been seen by about 150 people in a town 50 miles from here so I expect to see one of my family sat before me asking the question. Instead it turns out to be a tall girl with bleached hair dressed entirely in black. The only exception is the bright red lipstick pouting through trailing grey smoke.

'I saw you in Windsor last week. I thought you were really good'.
I'm still stood with one hand on the door, but the chance to hear more flattery somehow persuades me to stay.
'Thanks. Are you waiting for someone? Do you want a drink'.
'That'd be good, yeah. I'm visiting a friend who lives round here, but she's not in yet. Cider and black would be nice. Ta'.

'So, Liverpool then?'
'Yeah, Merseyside. Surprised you can still tell. Feels like I've been down South forever. I'm Helen by the way'.
'Alright Helen. How come you were in Windsor then last week? Are you staying round there?'
'No I went to see some mates. Do you do a lot of gigs then?
'First one. It got reviewed in the NME as well. Didn't expect that at all'.
'Nice one. Before you know it you'll be on Top of the Pops and being driven around in limos refusing interviews'.
'Defo. Not quite yet though. Might need a few more gigs beforehand. Only a few though. Already getting the odd groupie when I go in pubs'.
There's a splashy cough as this remark goes down well with Helen.
'You'd be lucky you cheeky git. Do you want another?'

As she walks away to the bar I realise she's taller than me and attracting loads of attention around the bar, that glowing lipstick like a red rag to a bullshitter.

'They're not backward about coming forwards round here are they?'
'Not in the slightest. Shows they've got good taste though'.
A bit more red sneaks onto her cheeks when I say this and she looks down to hide it.
'I'd better pop and see if my mates back yet. Don't want to get stuck here when all the trains are gone. Be back in a minute'.

Once she's out the door, Leo Leo pops over drooling as he congratulates me on knowing someone so worth ogling.
'I'd give her one I would. And I'd give her one'. Instant group sex on offer from Leo Leo then. He seems to go all bashful and scurries away trailing his unfulfilled promises when Helen walks back through the door muttering about her friend still not being in.

'No idea where she is. I'd better get going soon though. Do you know if there's a bus goes anywhere near the Angel?'
I don't and have no intentions of letting her find out.
'You can stay at ours if you like. The guy I share with is visiting his girlfriend for some more interrogation'. I tell her about Simon's little recent run in and it turns out she vaguely knows Polly. Small world but I wouldn't like to paint it. There's more chat about music and which is really just a way of delaying the next question.

'Have you got a girlfriend then?'
'No, not at the minute'.
Emma's been round for the past two nights so I'm sure I'll be struck down by a thunderbolt if I stay in my seat so head off to get a last drink, returning to let Helen decide what she wants to do while we chat away drinking it.
'If you're sure it's OK, then I'll stay. It'll be easier to nip round to my mates in the morning. She'll be back then even if she is a dirty stop-out. Have you got any booze in? Have they rung for last orders already? Let me see what I can do at the bar'.

She's so chuffed getting in the lift with a bottle of wine in each hand I don't have the heart to tell her the pub never stops serving at last orders. She's happy thinking her looks and charm have worked wonders. Maybe they have, but there were still a dozen people drinking when we left. One thing I hadn't noticed was the huge bag hidden behind Helen's seat that I ended up volunteering to help with. I can carry it, but am glad we're not going far. It's like she's moving house.

'How long did you say Simon's away for?
I hadn't but say 'a few weeks' to get the subject dropped when the lift arrives. Inside there's an awkward and almost simultaneous faint laugh from each of us as we crowd together. She reaches towards me and kisses me lightly on the lips saying 'thanks for offering to put me up'. Its one of those kisses that's meant to lead somewhere and it does, with me leaning forward awkwardly weighed down by the enormous bag. Enough though to give a taste of where we stand.

Once inside we sit down and chat through the wine which is horribly warm without the ice we don't have. Before we've finished the first bottle we're kissing heavily and I start to paw at Helen's clothes. She lifts her arms, letting me take everything off,dropping it to the floor where it looks like a melted shadow. It's my turn next and when I'm left with nothing to hide behind, Helen makes a demand.

'Lick me. Now' and lies back with her legs lifted onto the edge of the settee. On my knees it's a perfect height to start kissing away where it's confirmed she's not a natural blonde. Helping me look for anything that remains hidden with her fingers, she drags me closer to make sure I hear her gasped instructions. I've never been with anyone who totally abandons themselves to being licked, getting totally lost in it. My tongue gone numb when I'm pushed backwards and mounted with a grip that makes it my turn to gasp. Slowly she lets go while rising on her haunches and kissing me, which stops me asking about getting some johnnies. When she grips me again it makes me forget about everything. By the time she releases me it's way past the time to ask. I flip sideways hoping to claim back some power, ending up on top until I finally lose control and collapse in a heap still deep inside.

'Did your flatmate leave his keys?'
It's a bit too practical a question asked in an impractical setting. And I don't know the answer so push up onto my elbows and ask why.
'Just thought it might be easier if you had to leave early tomorrow'.
'Why would I want to get out of here early when I've got you keeping me warm?'
'Fair enough. You'd better show me where we're sleeping and start warming me up again then. Let me grab my clothes and bag, Bring that wine with you. Where's your loo?'.

I point and head to the bedroom where we finally drift to sleep just as the dark starts to fade. I don't wake up until it's way too late to get to work on time and jump when I notice how white Helen looks in the bed next to me. I start to climb over her and as my first leg finds the floor a hand pops from under the covers and grabs me between the legs as a croaky voice asks 'where do you think you're sneaking off to then?' I make my excuses and stay until we're both so hungry we head out through the sunshine to a greasy spoon.

The caff's busy and provides a noisy background which is good cos I reckon we've run out of things to say for now. When the food arrives we both start shovelling in from the full shiny plate until there's just a smudge of beans and a few crusts left looking at us while we sip at the tea and light a fag each.

'Do you think your mate will be back yet then?'
I just get a baffled look from across the table, then a rushed response with an accusation tacked on the end.
'Oh, yeah, forgot about her. Why are you trying to get rid of me or something?'
'No, I just thought you might be keen to catch up with her'.
'Come on we'll have a wonder back and see if she's about'.

On the way back when we pass the launderette I'm thinking I need to change washing powder cos these undies are really itching and I have to put my hands in my pockets to do some discreet scratching.

In an identical block with only graffiti as a distinguishing feature, we head in the lift to the 8th floor and knock at the door in the opposite corner to the one our flat occupies. There's a pause and a darkening at the peephole before the door's opened by a semi-dressed woman with flame-coloured hair that touches her waist who looks right through me to focus hungrily and solely on Helen.

'I've been waiting for you since yesterday. That's a long time to wait, but I'm glad you're here now. We've got a lot of catching up to do.

I feel like a gooseberry which only gets worse when she leans from the doorway to kiss Helen noisily on the lips. I'm thinking I've struck gold until she says:
'Where's your bags? Go and get them while I run you a bath. I think we can manage without your friend if he wants to run along now'.

Looks like a party I'm not invited to or needed at then.

'Who is she then?'
'Panthea. I've known her for ages'.
'Yeah it sounds like it'.

I get a nasty sideways glance for this and realise what a total player Helen is and why she has such a massive bag with her. She's a gypsy with a canvas caravan. I can't decide if I'm more annoyed at simply being blown out or blown out for a woman. There'll be time to work this out later, after she's got her bag from the flat and fucked off. By the sound of it she doesn't even see a problem.

'I'll see you later then. Maybe pop around tomorrow if you're about?'
'Yeah sure just leave a note under the door letting me know which way you're swinging that day'.
'Oh come on. We had some fun. You don't own me I don't own you. Lighten up. I was hoping we could do it again'.
'Can you manage your bag on your own? Or shall I go and get your girlfriend to help'.
'Forget it. I'll see you around'.

As she struggles out of the door I notice a letter getting scrunched up under her high heels.

I close the door noisily and tear at the rough brown envelope with one hand while compelled to scratch my balls with the other. Inside it says in bold, 'By order of the Court...Eviction Order...Vacate premises'. The date is just 3 weeks away.