The Transformation of Roger Watson

The Transformation of Roger Watson
By: Michael Lawrence


"Oh great!" Roger Watson said to himself drowsily as he
pulled out a Bee Gees album and headphones. "There goes those teenagers
again, playing their stupid music. Does the whole apartment complex
want to hear it? I seriously doubt it! If they do this past midnight
again, I'm phoning the police."


Roger Watson is a thirty-five year old accountant and is a
rather large fellow, even though he hadn't worked out a day in his
life. His head was chubby, his arms were flabby, and he had a large,
round stomach. He thinks of himself as a sweet-natured and absolutely
lovable guy. But don't ask Roger what he thinks of himself! Let's leave
that up to his coworkers.


***


"Roger? Well, he really isn't a bad guy at all!" according to
Alice Payne. "It's just that sometimes he gets this way ? you know sort
of a creepy feeling about him."


"Oh, Roger? He's a very interesting guy," James Morris once
had said about him. "In fact, we once had this discussion about bean
plants. I don't exactly know how that whole conversation got started; I
believe at first we were talking about the president's tax cut. But
when we started talking about those bean plants, he talked like he had
a PhD in horticulture, but I really doubt that he really knew what he
was talking about."


"I know exactly what it is about that freak," according
Marion J. Culver. "He's too predictable. He runs like clockwork! I
mean, he always comes to work with a dressy white short sleeved shirt
and a black tie. Right away, when he enters the office, he marches
those fat legs of his to the coffee machine. And this is before he does
anything at all! Always to the coffee machine! Then, immediately, he
walks straight to his desk, sets his Styrofoam cup down, and then he
tries to talk to people about some idiotic topic like what's the latest
Steven Spielberg project or where he is in John Grisham's newest book.
After he does most of the talking, he walks back to his desk and starts
doing whatever the boss has laid out for him. If he tries to talk to me
about how good Grisham's 'The Testament' is one more time, I swear I'll
just scream!"


"Roger is quite a fine worker," according to his manager,
John Curtis. "In fact he's a wizard with computer gadgetry which is
half the reason I hired him in the first place."


"Roger has been my friend since college," Howard Gregor once
had said. "The problem with him is that he follows a set of standards
in his head. For example, when we were in our twenties, I once bought
us both tickets to a Metallica concert. Of course, he didn't want to go
because he said that Metallica wasn't his style. I told him that he
ought to experiment some new music other than just listening to the old
Village People or ABBA songs, but he just doesn't seem to want to.
Also, Roger has never tried Miracle Whip or Pepsi before. I thought I'd
mention that too."
"Well, the fondest memory I have of Roger Watson has to be Groundhog
Day of 1990," Alice continued. "At that time, Roger was still wearing
the kind of haircut that was popular about ten to fifteen years before
that, with the bushy hair and long side burns. And then Bill, a man who
doesn't work at our firm anymore, came into the office and asked Roger
if he saw his shadow when he got up that morning. Roger stared blankly,
it was a very unusual stare, creepy in a way that I couldn't adequately
describe even if I tried, but it involved his eyes being wide open, his
mouth completely shut; just this frozen expression on his face. And
then Bill laughed and said something like 'Oh sorry, Roger! I thought
you were the groundhog!' I know that was the stupidest joke in the
world, but it managed to make Roger cower, sitting in his chair the
entire day not looking up from his desk. He kept that frozen expression
on his face that entire day too. Every time I looked over at him, it
just creeped me out. Every once in a while he repeats that look too and
every time, it sends a shutter down my spine. I don't like that look at
all; it's very creepy. It was the next day when he came back to work
with a mullet and torn, whitewashed jeans."


"At times I think he can become a little full of himself.
Arrogant at times," James had said. "I don't even think he means to do
it. For example, one time I told him about when I and another kid won a
talent show in elementary school by getting together with our violins
and playing chopsticks. But after I was through talking about it, Roger
mentioned a story about him in middle school when he got to play the
piano in front of the school board. He then went on to say how much
more difficult playing a piano is compared to the violin even though he
has never touched the instrument."


"Well on an interesting note," continued John Curtis. "He
happens to be the most underpaid worker in our division that has been
with us for over ten years. That's not because he's a bad worker
either. In fact, he's better at figures than most of my employees. It's
just that he's too afraid to walk in and ask for a raise. The only time
he actually gets one is when the annual performance rating comes
through."


"Everyday, he just bothers me!" Marion continued. "Whenever
he sees me in the office, he waves his fat arm in the air and says 'How
are you doing, Marion.' He never changes that either. It's always 'How
are you doing, Marion.' I think one time he said 'How are you doing,
Marion, did you see Jurassic Park yet?' but that was the only time he
said anything remotely different. I really hate that guy."



"Roger means well, anyway," Howard had said. "Well, after
all, I have been his friend for well over eighteen years."



***


"Police?" Roger said into the receiver. "Hello, there are a
whole bunch of teenagers in apartment 4D on Gilwater and 56th with
their music on so loud, I can't even sleep. Could one of you drive over
here and tell them to turn it down?" It was 1:19 a.m. and Roger had
spent the past hour contemplating whether or not he should actually
phone the police, hoping that one of his neighbors would do it. The
walls were vibrating. The police had agreed to stop the disorderly
teenagers, but it wasn't until 2:19 a.m. when they actually arrived.



***


"Oh no, here comes the fat loser," Marion said.



"You're so mean, Marion!" Alice said.


"Look at him now -- fat legs -- charging for the coffee,"
Marion whispered so only Alice could here it. "Uh oh, he's coming our
way."


"How are you doing, Marion?" Roger asked, waving his arm.



"Fine," she returned with a forced smile upon her lips.



"How are you doing, Alice?" Roger asked, waving his arm.



"I'm doing great, how are you, Roger?" Alice returned with a
pleasant expression on her face.


"Well, I couldn't sleep last night because a bunch of stupid
teenagers had their music on really loud. I had to call the police,"
Roger said.


"Oh?" Alice asked, her eyes fluttered.


"Yeah and it took the police an hour to get there," Roger
said. "I mean, who pays their taxes? I do. And the only time I request
their service, they take a whole hour to get there. So I was up until
about 2:30 last night."


"Roger, you must be absolutely bushed!" Alice said with a
worried expression on her face. "Do you have this problem often?"



"Oh, every once in a while," Roger responded. He then turned
away from the ladies and set his coffee upon the table and returned.



"Have you heard that they're talking about a Jurassic Park
IV?"


***


Later in the morning, around ten o'clock, the ten employees
in the office were busy at work when all of the sudden, the entire
computer network shut off.


"What the--?" Marion yelled.


"Don't worry guys!" Roger hollered as he flipped his arm into
the air. "I'll fix it!" Roger marched for the network terminal. He
quickly flicked the computer power switch, but nothing happened which
meant there was probably something wrong with the wiring. So he crawled
underneath the table where he began tinkering with a tangled mess of
cords. By this time, somebody notified the boss of this computer
catastrophe who had decided that this was an ideal time for an
employee's meeting.


***


"Aha!" Roger exclaimed as he examined a disconnected cable
with a broken-off prong. "I wonder how this happened?" He took the
entire cord and stomped to the storeroom to attempt locating a
replacement. He turned on the light and shut the door.


***


"Now where's Roger?" someone asked while Roger was fiddling
around with the cords. He could hear every word. "I thought that he was
supposed to be working on fixing this piece-of-junk network!" It
sounded very much like the bunch had made it to the center of the
office, but their conversation was still mostly audible.



"Oh he's probably on another lunch break? I hadn't saved some
of the stuff I was doing either? I don't recall the last time he's been
to an employee's meeting. He likes to skip them to have an early lunch.
I bet that's where he is now! ?why are you always so mean to him? ?fat
legs of his and how they storm into the office like he was?" Roger
completely had forgotten what he was doing in the storage closet and
listened intently, not making a sound.


"?the arrogance of that man! ?you seen that look of his? Oh,
are you talking about the one that looks like he's a fish that
accidentally froze himself to death??hah hah hah! He's an interesting
person, I must say? has never even tried Pepsi! Hah hah hah hah! ?One
time he was over at my place? Oh boy! What a character! ?gets me is
that he's does almost the exact same thing? hah hah hah hah! ?the most
annoying person I have ever met?oh! Remember that mullet? Hah hah hah
hah!"


Roger had felt a lump come to his throat. He remained,
standing motionless in the closet until he was positive that they all
had left for lunch. He slowly opened the door, walked sluggishly out,
and stared at nothing. He walked to his desk as if he was a petrified
zombie.


"Annoying?" Roger screamed inside his head. "Predictable?
Fat? ARROGANT? Is that what these people have thought about me for all
these years?" Roger began pacing around the room.


"What should I do now?"


***


When Roger's coworkers had returned from lunch, the computers
were up and running. Roger was busy, typing away at his terminal.



"Oh good!" Howard said cheerfully to Roger, patting him on
the shoulder. "You fixed it!" Roger continued to pound the keys (it was
almost violent.) "Rog?" Roger broke out of his trance.


"Yes, Howard," Roger said in a rather distant tone. "It
should be working now."


"Uh, Roger?" Howard asked, concerned. "Are you feeling all
right?"


"Yes, I'm feeling fine." Roger returned, still distant.



"Well, I'll let you carry on with your work then, Rog,"
Howard said deciding that it was best to leave him alone as he headed
for his computer.


***


That evening, Roger was pacing around his living room.



"What do those jerks expect me to do?!" Roger yelled out
loud. "They want a change, do they?" Roger laughed and ran to the
bedroom.


***


"I said I need a cape!" Roger Watson exclaimed. "Do you not
have a cape?!" The cashier looked worried.


"Sir, we don't sell capes," he returned.


"What do you mean you don't sell capes?" Roger exclaimed
looking the cashier straight into the eye.


"This is K-Mart, we don't sell capes," Roger looked the
cashier even straighter in the eye.


"Alas!" Roger exclaimed in a Dudley Do-Right heroic sort of
way. "It states upon your window that you sell capes! Young man, these
eyes cannot be fooled!"


"No sir, that is our address. This is 184 Cape Boulevard,"
Roger stepped back, shocked.


"Bahhh!" he yelled. "I shall have to create one for myself!
Do you sell blankets with rocket ships on them?"


***


Roger came home with a rocket ship blanket, a mask (it's the
kind of mask you'd expect to see at a high-class 18th century costume
party), a pair of boots that'll reach to his knees, and about a dozen
N'Sync and M.C. Hammer albums.


***


"Oh great here comes the?" Marion said stopping herself. Her
mouth hung opened, shocked.


"Greetings!" Roger yelled. The entire office staff looked in
his direction, utterly confused. "How doth thee?"


"Roger!" Alice yelled.


"Roger, what are you wearing?!" Howard yelled.



"Drats! I forgot the Halloween party again!" James said,
actually thinking that he had forgotten about it. "Wait a minute?it's
May! Roger, what are you doing?"


"Good morrow kind sirs and madams!" Roger yelled ignoring his
colleague's outbursts of shock. He bowed, taking off an imaginary hat
and brushing it toward the ground (because K-Mart didn't have any of
those large hats with the giant plume in them). "How doth this day doth
thee?" The ten members of the office stared blankly at Roger, not
knowing quite what to say. "I see the feline is attached hither your
tongues! Shall I disconnect it? Hah hah hah hah!" The accountants still
stared at him, silent. "Well, this crowd is of the tough variety!
Methinks I shall start pushing the shiny buttons over at my kind
table!" Roger walked to his desk.


"Well," started Marion still quite shocked. "I'm only
surprised that he didn't go for the coffee."


***


The ten accountants had spent the next couple of hours
sometimes doing their work but mostly looking over at Roger's terminal.
What has gotten over him?


"Hah hah hah haaaah! Look what this asinine fool hath done!"
Roger chuckled, checking his work. "234.98 multiplied by 12 bears
2819.76 not 3243.21!" Some of the employees couldn't help but snicker,
however, they kept it at the lowest volume possible. Here comes the
boss:


"Roger?" Mr. Curtis asked putting his hand on Roger's
shoulder. "Are you?feeling all right?" Roger, who was staring at his
terminal, turned around and looked at Mr. Curtis with a very goofy
smile imprinted upon his face.


"Why yes! Good morrow, kind sir!" Roger yelled, quickly
getting to his feet. He bowed in the same fashion as he did before. "I
am feeling quite lively, how doth thee?"


"Ummm? I'm doing quite fine?" Mr. Curtis said, not knowing
exactly what to say. "Could I get you something? ??water?"



"No kind sir!" Roger yelled. "I am reasonably equipped to
quench my thirst myself if need be! Kind regards, kind sir, for this
most pleasant gesture!" Mr. Curtis gave a facial expression as if to
say "ooooooooookay?"


"Uh, see you around Rog," Mr. Curtis quickly said walking
backwards, still keeping a concerned and confused eye on him.



"And I anticipate the next time I shall have the magnificent
honor of reacquiring your pleasant acquaintance, kind sir." Roger said,
bowing again.


"Right!" Mr. Curtis said, scared. "I shal-- will look forward
to it." Roger waved goodbye light-heartedly, fluttering his fingers
about. While Roger was standing up, he thought he'd make a little
announcement.


"Ho good peoples of this quaint little office!" Roger yelled.
"I hereby invite thee all to a pleasant gathering at my humble quarters
today at the hour of twilight. There will be much celebration, much
dancing, and a jolly feast. I do wish that thee are able to find the
occasion to commence upon a journey to my place of habitation! As my
kin had once stated while I was merely a wee lad, be there or be a
colossal four-sided polygon!" Roger sat down and began pushing the
shiny buttons again.


"Do you think we should go?" Alice asked Marion.



"Yes," Marion responded rather quickly. "I'm afraid if we
don't, he'll turn into Godzilla."


***


That night, the ten accountants and the boss all had shown up
in one large group. They rang the doorbell, and it was answered by a
young man with a frizzy black Mohawk and black lipstick. But that
wasn't the most amazing thing about him! He had four earrings for each
ear, two nose rings for each nostril, five eyebrow rings for each
eyebrow, and about two dozen others located in miscellaneous places
around his face. Roger was all ready boogying down to M.C. Hammer using
some obscure dance that's probably dates back to the late 70's. About
eight other pinhead teenagers watched and cheered him on.



"Okay, now I'm even more worried," James said, observing the
situation. Roger finished his dance and addressed his non-pinhead
guests.


"Good evening, kind folks!" Roger said out of breath. "As
thee can quite clearly observe, there art fried cholesterol-infested
potato wedges to mine left, sugar-infested, bubbly beverages to mine
right, and jolly boogying in the middle! Geronimo!!" Roger continued
dancing to M.C. Hammer.


Despite the exceptionally kind invitation to start dancing,
the ten accountants and the boss remained standing, huddled by the
door.


After having stood there for a while, Marion decided to break
away from the group.


"Well, I'm not going to waste a Friday night standing in a
corner like this!" Marion said. "Come one, Howard, let's dance! I liked
M.C. Hammer at one time!" Howard agreed, reluctantly though.
Eventually, the accountants (and boss) dispersed throughout the room
(staying a considerable distance away from the pinheads.) Some, other
than Marion and Howard, danced but most were just pigging out on the
fried cholesterol-infested potato wedges. Roger left the scene for a
little while but came back with a frog mask and green flippers.



"Hello!!" Roger screamed as he hopped out of his bedroom.
"I'm Freddie the Frog!" He began jumping up and down, his flippers made
a loud snapping noise once they had made contact with the hardwood
floor. This was a most ridiculous sight! The accountants were staring
very strangely at him. The boss was by the phone, ready to dial 911.
The pinheads turned off Hammer.


"Howdy Doo!" Roger yelled, still jumping. "Now who turned off
the music and why did you chummies stop dancing? You are all really
great dancers! I'll never be able to achieve your splendor! You see, I
am just a fat ugly frog and all I can do is hop. See?" Roger continued
jumping. He jumped toward the sugar-infested, bubbly beverages and
grabbed a 20 ounce bottle of Pepsi. He chugged it down in one gulp.



"Buuuuuuuuuuuurp! That was Pepsi-riffic! I really like
Pepsi!" he said, gleefully. He hopped toward the stereo and pushed a
button. A sophisticated tune of N'Sync (with 'explicit lyrics' whatever
that means) blasted out. The pinheads started to lightly bob their
heads. Roger then started to slowly hop toward Howard while wiggling
his rump with the sound of the beat.


"Look Roger! I like N'Sinks! I'm groov-- I mean BaaaD!" Roger
yelled, while moving both his arms from side to side.


At this point, Howard had quite enough of this. He didn't
like seeing this usually mentally-stable friend being transformed into
a madman like this. Howard walked to the stereo, which was still
blasting the most sophisticated tunes of N'Sync, and turned it off.
This act was followed by several wads of paper of some sort being
thrown at him by the pinheads. He then approached Freddie the
Frog/Roger.


"Roger! What has gotten over you?" Roger asked at full
volume.


"Nothing has come over me, silly! I'm Freddie the Frog!"
Roger said, while he started hopping up and down again.



"Roger stop it!" Howard yelled, Roger quickly obeyed and
stared Howard goofily into the eyes. "Roger, where were you yesterday
afternoon after the employee's meeting?"


"Uh?uh?uhh?," Roger said in a muddled voice because he didn't
quite know how to respond, a tear was developing in his eye.
"In?the??bathroom." Roger's eyes turned red.


"Oh no! Roger!" Howard said, patting him upon the shoulder.
"That was just idle gossip, we didn't mean any of that! Roger?" Roger
started to whine, several tears flowed down his cheek.


"Roger, we really didn't mean any of that," Howard said
reassuringly, still patting him on the shoulder.


"Speak for yourself," Marion quietly said to Alice while
Roger was still crying. Alice gave Marion a scolding look.



"Roger, you're really a great person!" Howard cheerfully
said. "Of course you have your flaws, but then again, who doesn't? I
bet there isn't one in this room who doesn't have any more flaws than
you do, Roger! Take James here. Oh he's a descent person to talk
with?to an extent. One minute you can be talking to him, discussing the
details of a client's account and the next minute, you find yourself
talking to him about Sesame Street! Frankly, that man gets so off-track
on the most bizarre subjects that it's hard to get anything useful
done!"


"I do?" James asked, taken aback.


"And Harry! He is so bad at mathematics that he often adds
when he's supposed to subtract and subtracts when he's supposed to
multiply! I remember one time, he took the square root of a number when
I asked him to convert it into a fraction!" Howard said, laughing.
Roger was still crying though.


"Well!" Harry said angrily.


"Oh and Alice! She is a really nice lady," Howard said, Alice
smiled. "But she's too nice! There are times when Alice should be
angry, or at least irritated, but she always has this annoyingly
pleasant smile imprinted on her face!"


Alice frowned.


"Look at Kenneth, here. Of all the times we've eaten lunches
together, Ken has only offered to pay the bill once. And when he did,
that was the day when he got a huge bonus and nobody else did! He has
to be the biggest cheapskate alive!" Howard said, Roger's sobbing
started to decline.


"Cheapsk--?!" Kenneth started to say, but decided that it
would be best to remain silent.


"And Tara! There isn't a day when she doesn't remind us that
her father was a senator of Mississippi. She talks about it so proudly
that it sounds like SHE was the one who got elected! Tara, nobody
really wants to hear about that has-been father of yours!" Howard said.



"Well I never," Tara said blankly as she sat down on Roger's
couch.


"Then there's Chester. His ego is the size of Ohio! He thinks
he's the greatest person alive. Why according to him, he has won more
football trophies than anyone west of the Mississippi and he's the
greatest employee with the greatest job in the world! It's funny he's
in accounting!" Howard yelled, Roger had completely stopped crying. He
was looking at Howard with encouraged eyes.


"Well, I HAVE won the most football trophies ? west ??of ??
the ??," Chester said before fading out.


"Oh and there's always Leonard. I have never met a man so
obsessed with chick flicks before! He would rather see 'Terms of
Endearment' than 'The Terminator!' Honestly, I have never met a man
such as him! At times, I think he's wearing his mother's
undergarments!" Howard yelled.


"Hey, juth a minute!" Leonard yelled loudly, absolutely
disgusted.


"Oh, and Mr. Curtis, our fearless boss! Uhhh?? I want to keep
my job, so I'll leave it at that," Howard said, stopping himself.



"Good call," Mr. Curtis responded.


"And Marion! She has to be the worst one in the room! She
always likes to make these nasty comments toward people behind their
backs and she doesn't think we can hear her! But we do, Marion! We can
hear you loud and clear! And frankly we think you AND your idiot
comments are stupid!" Howard yelled at Marion.


Marion looked embarrassed.


"And the teenagers! I don't even have to say anything about
them. They're faults are all ready pretty self-evident!" Howard yelled,
pointing his finger at the now appalled pinheads.


"And I! I'm sure I have some faults. Why I'm?well I'm?"
Howard started.


"A jerk!" the room quickly filled in.


"Yes, I am a jerk! You see, Roger? We all have our little
faults. We're just as faulty as you are. Please, give us the old Roger
Watson back. I miss him." Howard said, Roger smiled.


"Yes, Roger, we want you back," Alice said.


"Roger, I'm sorry we did this to you. I liked you the way you
were before," James added.


"Let's hear it for Roger!" Mr. Curtis yelled throwing his
fist joyfully into the air followed by some applause. Roger, hearing
these encouraging words, happily took off his frog mask and merrily
threw it to his left.


"Okay, guys!" Roger yelled. "I'm back!!" His coworkers (and
boss) applauded louder.


Doesn't this scene just make you want to cry happy tears?
Even the pinheads were moved (even though they showed it by curling
their upper lip and sticking their fingers down their throats.)
Therefore, a pinhead thought this was an ideal time to start playing a
most sophisticated tune of N'Sync at a deafening level.



The coworkers, boss, and pinheads blissfully celebrated,
dancing until one in the morning (or afternoon.)