L: Ten Minutes

Ten Minutes
by
Dr. Leyrose

It was getting tougher and tougher to stay strong. Every visit became
more and more of a challenge. It seemed like just a few weeks ago
everything was fine. But she knew it had been longer than that. It
happened so slowly, before anyone realized, and eventually there was no
denying it. Each and every time now she had to build up her courage.
But it was becoming more than she could handle alone. If only there was
someone she could share this burden with. If there was just someone she
could talk to. They wouldn't really have to do anything but listen. But
she was an only child, the only person that tried to keep her mother
connected to the world. Oh, there had been others over the months, but
gradually they found more important things to do. Or the visits just
became too difficult. In either case, it seemed, it was her burden to
bear alone. At least she had the memories to hold on to.
Her mother, a retired School Teacher, was a wonderful woman. Most of
her life was devoted to helping people. From since Nancy could
remember, her mother was always giving to some charity, helping out at
some organization, or helping folks in the community. And there was
more, more than Nancy could remember or even wanted to think about.
Sometimes she wondered how her mom had the time to do it all. She
remembered that for a while it seemed like her mother didn't have time
for the family. But when Nancy was old enough, she started helping her
mother with some of the activities. It took a while but she began to
understand why the things her mother did were so important. But at the
same time, as the years passed, Nancy became a little jealous of all
the other people and organizations that occupied so much of her and her
mother's time. Eventually Nancy began to find excuses for not helping
with this or that. With children of her own, she wasn't going to make
the same mistake her mother had. Her family was going to be first in
her life. Others would have to do without a Randall solving their
problems. Nope, Nancy Randall was not going to take her mother's place,
in any way. She had enough of that when she was younger. She was going
to make sure her daughter stayed away from all that mess too. Her
daughter was going to be independent, the way she figure everyone
should be. Was she selfish? Bitter? No not really, she just thought she
had really figured out the world. The world she calculated, always
wanted something, and never gave anything back. All it did was take,
take, take. It took her mother from her. It took her Father from her.
It took her humanity from her. It just took. From today onward, she
promised herself, she wouldn't let anything or anyone hurt her. The
visits would be business, business she just had to take care of three
times a week
Most people have a method of dealing with pain, loss, or
disappointment. Some talk about it with family, some with friends,
others with strangers. Still there are those who try to handle
everything themselves, who bear all the burdens alone, who continually
withdraw deeper and deeper. Many times this world they create, this
wall they build around themselves and others, becomes destructive.
Nancy Randall was buliding a wall, a huge wall, that was wide, tall,
and strong. More quickly than she realized this wall would begin to
close her in and everyone out, even the ones she cared about. Face to
face, she would soon have to deal with all those buried feelings.
Circumstances were about to change, but still depended on her. The
choices she made, the answers she gave, the direction she went from
here was still her choice. But wanting it or not, she was about to get
some help. Maybe her secret wish could come true.
Preoccupied by all of life's events, Nancy didn't notice the curve in
the road as she drove along. Although her eyes were looking straight
ahead, they peered without seeing. The drive had become so mechanical
it hardly took effort to accomplish it. She had said many times that
she could drive it in her sleep. Suddenly the vehicle began to bounce
and yaw this way and that. The vehicles bronco-like movements snapped
Nancy back from her thoughts, but there in front of here was lots of
anything but road. More important, with the vehicle careening out of
control, she saw a man standing up ahead, looking into the woods. Why
didn't he move? Couldn't he hear the vehicle coming? Her thoughts raced
as she fought the vehicles attemps to live it's own life. It was like
the thing had suddenly gotten a mind of it's own, nothing she did
seemed to have any effect on this wild animal she was strapped to.
Without thinking, without realizing she said it aloud she yelled out,
"Oh God, Oh God, please help me!" Finally, with dust and debris flying
everywhere, she gradually began to regain control of the beast. While
under control, the four wheel drive vehicle was a great pleasure to
drive, but once control was relinquished or taken away it became wilder
than a roller coaster. Even with the small measure of containment from
her efforts, the vehicle was drawing closer to that man. What was he
thinking? She began blowing the horn, pressing down harder on the
brake, and yelling frantically. Something, she hoped, would wake the
old man from his death defying slumber. Then, like slow motion, like a
nightmare, the vehicle's passenger side brushed the old man sending him
to the ground. As soon as the vehicle stopped, and with adrenalin
rushing through her body, Nancy lept from the vehicle. In what seemed
only two or three steps, she was kneeling down to assist the old man. A
flood of emotions surged through her as she gently rolled him onto his
back and lay his head in her lap. With tears streaming down, and a
heart heavy laden with months of pent up emotion, she began to squeak
out, "Are you Ok? I'm sorry, I couldn't stop. I tried to warn you, to
get you to move or something. Oh, please don't be dead. I'll do
anything. I'll do everything I can to make things better. Oh, just
don't be dead!"
If things weren't bad enough with her mom ill, her husband gone all
the time, and all the household responsibility on her shoulders, now
look what she had done. Just when she thought she was going to finally
take control of her life, just as she made that promise to herself,
things got worse. It just couldn't be happening to her. How much more
was going to go wrong in her life. If things didn't change soon, she
was going to do something desperate. She didn't know what it would be,
but she was sure going to do something. As she gently shook the old
man, she noticed that he was at least breathing. Carefully, she checked
to see if there were any obvious injuries. Gradually she realized there
wasn't a single mark on him, at least none that she could see. As she
looked down on him wondering what to do next, he opened his eyes. At
first, he just looked up at her, then after a slow deep breath, he
began to speak. His first words startled and confused Nancy, they were
hardly the words she was expecing to hear. She could have handled a
disgruntled pedestrian, or an enraged senior citizen giving her a piece
of his mind. But no, he never even mentioned the event. Instead he
began to talk to her about things, things she couldn't speak of to
anyone. Helping him to his feet she got an idea. Even though he had a
mysterious charm, a way about him that seemed to draw her to him, she
became convinced he had walked out of the home. He must have left early
this morning to have walked this far. She also decided as she weighed
the effect he was having on her, that he must be one of those
sociopaths. That would explain the odd attraction she was having toward
him. To her then, the only thing to do was take him back to the home.
At least then he wouldn't be a danger to himself or others.
With the old gentleman loaded in her vehicle, but still a little
uneasy about his medical condition, she began to have second thoughts.
As she drove she carefully checked him to make sure he was still
feeling ok. After he assured her several times that he was fine, she
became a little less concerned, but was still uneasy. For most of the
trip they talked about everyday life. But as they began to draw near to
the home, the conversation started to center around Nancy and the
circumstances in her life. Before she realized it she began to share
the strain and agony that dominated her thoughts. She opened up to him
like she had done to no other person. She could hardly believe that
here she was bearing her soul to a stranger. It was amazing! It wasn't
what he said, because he actually talked very little, it was the way he
listened. He listened as though he had a vested interest in every word
she said. She got the feeling he really cared, like a close family
member needing to share her burden with her. Actually, at times, she
thought she remembered him. He seemed a little like a man she recalled
from her childhood. But it couldn't be that man, he would have died
long ago.
Once at the home, she helped the gentleman from the vehicle and they
walked together to the front door. Once inside the building she walked
slightly ahead of him, and preceded him to the front desk. As she was
about to inform the nurse she had found a lost patient, the nurse
handed Nancy an envelope and a picture. On the envelope it simply said
"Happy Birthday" in her mother's handwriting. Inside was a short but
beautiful Birthday note. The picture, taken at her sixth birthday
party, was of her mother. She rememberd that party very clearly. She
had wanted a clown for her party, but her mother explained they didn't
have the money. So instead she got Nancy to help her dress up as a
clown. Nancy did the makeup and even put the funny nose on. It was
silly, but it was one of the best birthday's she could remember. As she
looked at the nurse behind the desk, a huge smile crossed Nancy's face
and suddenly a giggle exploded from her mouth. Somewhat embarrased she
asked, "where did you get this picture?" The nurse, seeing the joy that
it brought smiled with Nancy as she replied, "A gentleman brought that
by here after you left, said he was an old friend of the family. He
visited your mother for a while and dropped this off here as he was
leaving." Nancy stood there for a moment curiously examining the photo
and thinking again about that silly, wonderful day. Then, like waking
from a nap, she turned to invite the old gentleman up to the desk. When
she turned, she didn't see him anywhere. Turning back to the nurse she
asked, "Did you see the gentleman that came in with me?" The nurse,
looking a bit puzzled, replied, "No I didn't see anyone but you, but of
course, I can't see far without my glasses." Nancy, thinking he must
have walked on back to his room, decided since she was there she might
as well go see her mother again. Clutching the picture tightly she
walked to her mother's room. After a deep breath and a few whispers to
herself, she walked in the room.
The first thing Nancy saw, as she entered her mother's room, was an
empty bed. Then, looking over toward the window, she saw her mother,
she standing there gazing out into the darkness. The special feeling
she had just seconds ago began to fade quickly as the reality of her
mother's condition came back. She could feel the tears begin to well up
as she walked over to her mother and gently placed her hand on her
shoulder. "Mom, it's Nancy. How are you feeling? I thought me might
talk for a while." Then, with tears beginning to fall, Nancy turned her
head away. She didn't want her mother to see her cry. It would just
make things worse. Her instinct told her to just turn and walk away.
But, remembering the photo she was holding, she handed it to her
mother. Then turing to face Nancy, her mother said, "I didn't do as
good a job as you did, but I did the best that I could." Completely
overwhelmed Nancy stood motionless, speechless, looking at the clown's
face. She couldn't believe it. She must be dreaming or something. But
her mother continued, "An old friend came by after you left and helped
me mith some of the makeup. I had forgotten, apparently, that it was
your Birthday. After he helped me, he said he would go get you so I
could surprise you." Still reeling fom the surprise, from behind Nancy
heard the roar of "Happy Birthday to you......" Then, turning around a
huge group of people, singing, presented her with a cake lit with
candles. Her mother told her to blow out the candles and make a wish.
What a day Nancy was having. It was almost more than she could believe.
As she closed her eyes to make a wish she couldn't stop the flow of
excitement that burst forth in giggles and deep laughter. If this could
only last, she thought. If only her mother didn't go away again. No, no
she wasn't going to think about that now. She was going to enjoy today.
She was going to enjoy this special time with her mom.
As Nancy walked through the door at home, her son and daughter
welcomed her with a big hug and mighty "Welcome home!" Then from behind
the door her husband grabber her and said "Happy Birthday darling." The
room was decorated and presents were waiting for her on the table.
There too was a cake all decorated with candles and all. Once again, as
she blew out the candles, her heart filled to overflowing, Nancy made
her wish. Afterward, after opening the presents, holding her children
and her husband, she told them about her day with Grandma. The best
part she saved for her husband as she turned to him and said, "I had
ten minutes, ten good minutes with Mom today. I know it can't last, but
those were the best ten minutes we've had together in a long time."