Presidential Pancakes

A long time ago, a whole lot longer than four score and seven years
ago, the United States of America had a president named Abraham
Lincoln. It was the last week in February, and old Lincoln was hungry
for breakfast. So he got out of bed, put on his suit and stove top hat,
and called in the maid, Betty, to take his breakfast order.
Incidentally, Betty had already made breakfast for the president, he
had ordered the same thing for the last two years every morning: bacon
and eggs. She didn't bring it with her though, she never did-the
president always liked to think about his order before he asked for the
same thing everyday.
So Lincoln thought about it. He thought extra long. He realized that
he in fact hadn't ordered anything different in the past two years
since he became president. Lincoln was feeling bold that morning.
"You know Betty," he said to Betty, "I need a change this
morning&;#8230; I think that I want pancakes for breakfast."
Uh-oh, thought Betty, what am I gonna do now?
"Yes, Mr. President&;#8230; I'll get it right away," Betty replied,
and she hurried off to the kitchen.
"Thank you Betty!" Lincoln called after her.
Betty frantically searched the kitchen for just the right ingredients.
Then, to her surprise, she noticed a plate of pancakes sitting on the
counter.
Perfect, Betty thought, I can take these and nobody can do anything
about it-they're for the president.
So Betty brought the plate of mystery pancakes to the president,
complete with butter, syrup, and a glass of milk.
"Thank you" the president said to her again, and she exited the
room.
Mmm, thought Lincoln, I can't wait. I haven't had a good pancake in a
long time.
But these were no ordinary pancakes, in fact, they weren't even
pancakes. They were actually visitors from the distant planet of Xenon
5. It was a mere coincidence that they happened to look exactly like
pancakes. The plate they were sitting on was actually part of their
spaceship, the escape pod to be exact. They hadn't anticipated such a
strong atmosphere around Earth and were forced to abandon ship after
its vital systems were damaged by heat while passing through the
atmosphere. Luckily, their objective could still be accomplished, so
they headed to the house of the president of the United States to
deliver a message of intergalactic peace and to reveal the meaning of
life to the human race. They had traveled for hundreds of years to make
it to Earth, but there was one thing they could never have anticipated.
Earthlings don't communicate telepathically, like the Xenons, they make
vibrations with their vocal cords. Xenons don't have vocal cords.
And so, when Lincoln doused them in syrup and melted hot butter right
on top of them, their telepathic cries of agony fell on a
telepathically deaf mind, Lincoln's mind.
The Xenon on top decided to make like a tree and get out of there. He
jumped off the plate when Lincoln wasn't looking. The president heard
it hit the ground and upon noticing thought to himself, five second
rule! and scooped it back onto the plate. He then stabbed it with a
fork and sliced it with a knife. Lincoln brought the Xenon fragment to
his mouth and ate it, washing it down with some milk.
It was delicious!
Lincoln loved it so much that he gulped down the rest as fast as he
could and the meaning of life along with it. Not only did this ruin our
planet's only chance to answer the eternal question of "Why?" but it
showed on Xenon 5's scanners that their ambassadors to Earth had been
brutally murdered, triggering intergalactic war. In fact, the first
wave of their warships will reach Earth around the year 2030. Their
technology is millions of years in the making, leaving us no chance for
defense.
In the meantime Betty had something different to worry about. The
president, liking the Xenon's taste so much had told her that her
pancakes were now his new favorite food, and that he wanted some for
lunch too.
Crap, thought Betty, this might as well be the end of the world for
me.

THE END