Flipping

Channel 4
Thinner. Thinner yet. We dug down into the sand and found it thinner
and thinning. I took out a Coke and watched the rest of the excavation.
I really enjoy my stay here. You can find out a lot about a society in
what they left behind. This is the remains of an ancient Egyptian Tomb
from about 1000 BC. Right here, right where I stand we're shoveling
through the many artifacts. Like this one. It appears to be a lottery
ticket. Looks like it was a winner. Apparently you needed to match up
four rosetta stones in a row and you won an embalming. And over here
you have what appears to be the first version of Coca Cola. Yes, this
appears to be the absolute original formula. Quite a find. And here we
have a copy of the first Friday the 13th film. Ah, this is a find, it's
a thank you card from Dick Clark for a birthday gift. Yes, it seems the
ancients really aren't that ancient relative to our own culture. One
might say they are the "originals," but it's hard to say. Later, we
will be unearthing the first Taco Bell. Stay tuned.

Channel 5
"And my next guest is the latest sensation Aaron Nadel. Aaron is Fox's
new assistant for Geraldo Rivera. So, tell me Aaron, what's Geraldo
really like?"
"Well, he enjoys coffee in the morning after his swim in the-"
"I'm sorry swim? It never occurred to me there would be swimming pools
in Afghanistan?"
"Oh, well the press are treated to many luxuries normal Afghanis are
not. Like the Super Sheraton in Kabul. Fabulous views, fleets of
servants, the whole bit."
"But, what about the war?"
"C'mon who would fire on the Press?"
"Well, aren't there reports that some journalists on the junket have
been killed?"
"Only the ones that got kicked out the hotel for asking stupid
questions."
"Like what?"
"Like, why is the whole Afghan population subjected to serving the
press and is it true that the Taliban are being attacked simply because
they made TV illegal, stuff like that."
"O...K, so what about the war, what have you seen?"
"Well, the other day Aaron Brown announced that we were bombing
Kandahar, when in fact we were bombing Kabul, so the military had to go
ahead and bomb Kandahar so the story would be correct."
"It seems as if you are saying the Press are calling the shots?"
"Well of course."

Channel 6
...may cause arthritis in monkeys, abdominal pain in elderly lesbians,
bouts of vertigo in garter snakes, and projectile vomiting in people
with blue eyes. Use as directed, unless the directions diverge from
other medication directions found on any bottle of medication you may
or may not be taking. Recommended dosages range from 1 to 89 depending
on the season, consult your doctor, or voodoo witch.

Channel 7
"But, I thought dad was bringing Alice."
"No, you were supposed to pick her up."
"Oh, no!"
"Well, she killed herself and it's your fault."
"Oh, no, it's so terrible."
"Let's go down to the Peach Pit and find peace."

channel 8
"...to bring you a test of the emergency bastard system. This may or
may not be a test, look outside and see if you can see any large
mushroom clouds and call us at 1800 678-0989, and let us know if this
should be a test or&;#8230;

channel 9
"Oh, this is a lovely Seiko digital watch, but I'm afraid it's not an
antique, I would guess you could pawn it for 50 dollars or a gram or
two."
"Alright, thank you."
"No, problem. Stay with us as we appraise a toilet brush on the Antique
Roadshow, at location in Compton, California."

channel 10
...Patterson has called and revealed that this is not a test and we are
all doomed....