Space Pirates

That's when I thought to myself "these chopped nuts are hearty." It
was about eight and I had been eating some salad dish put together by
whatever sick vegetarian that ran the place. My water was gone, my food
wouldn't be arriving for another six hours and I was left with this
salad and it's chopped nuts. Oh, and the date.
This date had been going from bad to worse since I picked her up from
her trailer. Yes, this is not a joke, a trailer. There is nothing wrong
with living in a trailer except&;#8230;no, everything is wrong with
living in a trailer. C'mon, you have a choice, a trailer must be more
expensive than an apartment. Who opts for the trailer? Anyway, with
that in mind, the date began on a sour note.
Oh, did I mention her child would be coming along. At this point in
time I realized that you should never, under any circumstances, go out
with a woman until you have at least two years of getting to know you
time. Yes, I made a horrible, horrible slip and told her that if she
couldn't find a babysitter she could bring the kid. My thinking was
that she wouldn't take me up on the offer. Little did I know, God hated
me.
So, there I was with a date that kept talking about beating her cat
and a kid in the back drooling all over my car. I'm not a demon, I have
some nice and even kind intentions, but I don't work well with
children. I have no idea what to do with something that doesn't even
know what it wants and when it does you have serious problems. I don't
like loud noises, crying or embarrassing excretions. I could go my
whole life without changing a diaper and I'd be fine.
I let it go at that point and just waited out the inevitable. The
movie came first. At this point in time I was so out of it I walked
into the theater with a lit cigarette. Normally, I wouldn't smoke in
front of a child, but when the mother lights up a PallMall and begins
the chain of a pack, I had no choice.
She, I swear on my life, picked out the movie. There were plenty of
Disney flicks I would have sat through just to keep the kid from
crying. She picks LA Confidential. Because of certain nervous twitches
after the incident, I will not be going into the macabre horror that
followed this part of the story.
Dinner. After seeing the trailer I knew this woman would have been
fine with Jack in the Box, but I decided I wouldn't be that mean. I
really wish I would have been that mean. If you ever sit through a
woman trying to get a waiter to:
A. Make stew.
B. Watch the child.
C. Don't be stingy with the Vodka.
You would swear you wouldn't set foot in a restaurant with more than
half a star.
So an hour of her telling me about why her ex caught a loophole and is
getting out the next week the only thought in my mind was how I would
have loved to be a chopped nut rather than on a date.