Colours

My playroom had always been filled with lots of toys. Brightly
coloured ones, big soft teddies and noisy cars. My childhood had been
filled with so many colours, almost as if the colour had been a
substitute for the sadness I never saw.

My buckets of blocks were my favourite toy, filled with red, green and
blue blocks. I could build anything I wanted, a house, a tower, even a
track to run my cars along. At 6 years old I didn't expect anything,
nor did I want for anything.

My big red and blue blanket was spread on the floor, I knew that I had
to be quiet, 'play quietly luv ill be back in a mo' she had warned,
before giving me a kiss and leaving the room, quietly closing the door
behind her.

I sat there on the blanket looking at the red, blue and green blocks on
the floor. Ill build my mum a castle, she'll like that.

As I placed each block on top of each other, my castle was becoming
alive. I must have sat there for an hour, focusing all of my attention
on my castle. It had to be perfect; it was for my mum. I hadn't heard
the noise downstairs, the crashing of plates and the crying. I often
didn't.

The door opened and I looked up, my masterpiece was complete, I had
built a red, blue and green castle just for my mum, but she just looked
at me. Her face was red
and her eyes looked sad, I knew she had been crying,. She walked over
to me and picked me up and gave me a big squashy hug.

'Look its your castle, we can live there now.'
I tried to break free from her grasp. The hug was too squashy. I sat on
her lap as she looked at the castle.

She sighed, and gave me a weak smile 'its lovely luv' she started to
stroke my hair. I closed my eyes. I loved the way she softly touched my
hair and the way her voice sounded, normally so calm and gentle. But
today was different. I opened my eyes and looked straight at her, she
seemed to be looking down, a million miles away.

'Don't you like the castle?' I asked 'she smiled at me and nodded her
head, I waited in anticipation for some kind of recognition to show me
that my efforts had not been in vain, after all I had built it
especially for her, to show her that I loved her. But nothing
came.

I wanted to cry, but something kept preventing me, it was as if she had
taken away my tears and all of a sudden was using them herself. Each
one of her tears fell onto my hair, her crying was silent, making me
more aware that something was wrong. I could feel her body begin to
shake
'What's wrong mummy? Is it the castle? I wont build another one, I
promise'

I needed her to say it was ok, but the words never came, I tried to
turn myself around on her lap to give her a cuddle, I wanted to put my
arms around this women and show her that the castle wasn't supposed to
make her cry. Just as I started to turn to face her, she let me slip
and I fell to the ground.

My head crashed to the floor first and I think my body followed
instantly. I opened my eyes and everything was blurred. I could hear
her leaning over me, sobbing even harder, she just kept calling my name
'Sam, Sam can you hear me' her voice was frantic, the sound of her
words were speeding up. I tried to say something, but everything hurt
so much, that I just wanted to close my eyes.

I guess I knew why she was crying, he used to tell me that mummy cries
all of the time, that it was ok, almost as if being sad was normal.
Then one day he was gone and nobody said a thing. But she just kept on
crying, the castle was supposed to make her better, it was our new home
and now I was lying on my back, everything throbbing.

As a child this was how I saw the world, my world, my mum and me. As an
adult I realised that it was just a small part of me that I had to let
go and leave behind. It was almost as if my childhood should not have
existed, all of the bad memories thrown away with every trace of
anything good.

My mum was a kind women, she often smiled but very rarely laughed, she
would cuddle me if I cried or fell over or if I was sitting quietly in
front of the TV, she would creep up behind me and plant a soft kiss on
the top my head, what a lucky head I had.

Her most memorable trait were her eyes, big and brown always revealing
her warmth, but no matter how many times she smiled, her eyes always
remained sad. I guess I just wished that I could have made her feel
better. I wanted to make her laugh. I wanted her to be happy.

She picked me up from the floor and carried me towards my bed. I
couldn't hear her now. I just wanted to sleep. My castle sat silently
in the middle of my room, all alone.

The hours drifted by. I awoke to my find my room full of darkness. My
mum was sitting in the wicker chair next to my bed.
'How are you feeling luv?'
The question rang though my ears reminding me of the fall. It had been
an accident. She hadn't meant to hurt me.

'My head, it hurts' I tried to lift it to show her, but the thumping
pain I could feel became noticeably stronger as I tried to move.

My mum bent over me and planted one of her wonderfully soft kisses on
my head,
'don't try to move sweetheart, the doctor said you have a nasty bruise
at the back of your head' and then in an almost audible voice I heard
her say 'I'm sorry Sam'

I tried to smile at her, to tell her it was ok, but this time i
couldn't, I wanted to know. 'Where's daddy, mummy?
The question spun around the room, hanging motionless in the air,
waiting for an answer.

She didn't move,
'He's gone Sam, daddy went away'
'Why?'
I wanted to know, 'did I do something wrong?'
'No sweetheart, it had nothing to do with you, he just had to go and
live in a special place.' Her voice was beginning to shake.
'Sam, your daddy loves you very much' her eyes stared straight at me. I
could see her clearly even though the room was so dark.

My daddy had bought me the red, green and blue blocks the last time I
saw him. He told me I would have lots of fun with them, and I have,
they were my favourite.
I remembered how sad she had looked and all of the crying that had
followed. I remembered being told to play quietly and I did.

I stayed in my room. I was good. I didn't want to talk to her. I didnt
understand. Why had they hurt me? I was good.

I closed my eyes trying to stop the tears from spilling. My castle sat
proudly in the centre of the room. With all of the strength I could
muster, I pulled myself out of bed and charged straight at the castle.
My head was still thumping. My castle wasn't real, none of it was. As I
turned to look at her I realised she knew to. She always had. She
wasn't real.

I had stood over her grave and watched them throw the dirt over her
coffin, I watched everybody cry. Auntie Mae had stood next to me
clutching my hand. I didn't want to cry.

She had died of a broken heart apparently. At 6 years old I didn't
understand. How can you break your heart?

I heard the whispers, always the same, 'Poor little thing, he found her
in the bathroom. Cant imagine what must be going through his
mind.'

'First his dad and now his mum, poor little thing'

I sat there in the middle of the room, the red, green and blue blocks
surrounding me. All of their words echoing around me. I looked towards
the wicker chair, it was empty. She had gone.