N Mutatis Mutandis

Mutatis Mutandis

He was one of those people who exude charm and success without saying
or doing anything. We all know the type. You might not have ever met
them before or heard them speak, but as soon as you see them they give
off an aura of bonhomie, good luck and vivacity. The chap who'd gone up
to the reception desk was one of those people - did I hear them
recently being called "alpha beings" or something like that?

But at the same time was there something faintly sinister about
him?

I studied him closely to see what made him stand out. Whilst he was
handsome, he wasn't remarkably tall or broad, although he did have a
particularly upright gait. His clothes were clearly pricey, but it
wasn't that. May be it was the easy and warm smile he had, may be it
was the way he acknowledged me with a half nod, nothing overly familiar
but a simple polite gesture when it would have been easier to have
avoided me altogether. Now he was dealing with the receptionist, with a
relaxed and courteous manner which were clearly natural, a couple of
unforced chuckles, some sincere thanks - yes, may be the air of
unassuming confidence and attentive good manners had something to do
with it. Good breeding as my mother would say, but a certain x factor
as well. Without making it sound like some sort of psycho-babble, he
simply gave off a positive energy.

- * * * -

I sat at the bar with the evening paper and a menu.

"Hi there, are you thinking of eating"

"Yeah, more to kill time really than anything else" I replied.

"Tell me about it, the joys of business travel!" And there was that
infectious laugh again.

We fell into easy conversation. Apparently we were the only two
residents that night and so we agreed to dine together but not before
the stranger had insisted on getting me another beer.

"Ah, that's better" as he pulled on his own pint, "Well, what an
absolutely foul night!"

I'd made a couple of business calls that day in the area and had one in
the morning half way towards home. The hotel was one I used from time
to time - although a bit dear, it was homely (just twelve rooms), clean
and did excellent food. It usually was fairly busy, I suppose the time
of year, the weather and because it was midweek had contrived to keep
the numbers down. The stranger, I learnt, had been on some sort of
business trip and had set off home but abandoned it as a bad job and
found his way by chance to the hotel for the night.

"You're not married then" I said.

"Why'd you say that?"

"Well my missus would have my guts for garters if I phoned in to say I
wasn't coming home, bad weather or no bad weather." I laughed
uneasily.

"Oh yeah, see what you mean. No, Jill was cool about it. Guess we're
both happier for me to hole up somewhere when the roads are unsafe.
Haven't got a lot on in the morning and Jill's grand about re-arranging
things for me."

"Must help" I muttered, hoping I could keep the envy out of my
voice.

The truth was I was envious, and more so as the years went on, of folk
like this who shared a simple and friendly relationship, a real
partnership. I wouldn't say that me and my wife didn't get on, but the
slightest alteration to any plans seemed to be a big issue. The
smallest thing would become a big issue. Didn't matter on the
mitigating circumstances there was always some sort of implication that
I was to blame. I could just imaging ringing up like the stranger, to
say the weather was forcing me to stay over somewhere - there'd be
moans and complaints and questions and hours or even days of
sulking.

The waitress came up.
"And what would you like this evening sir?" She addressed the stranger
with genuine warmth. He placed his order, and even that simple task he
seemed to do with a bit of class.

"And for you sir?" Now why did I feel that my greeting was just a bit
more contrived and also that it would have been more deadpan had the
stranger not been there.

"So come on then," he cajoled me gently, "what's it you do then."

"Oh, nothing very interesting" I couldn't muster much enthusiasm
because I'd stopped being enthusiastic about my work some years
ago.
"Sales, well account management really. Lots of hassle, little glory.
Still, it could be worse." Even to myself this last bit came over as a
poor attempt to be a bit optimistic. These days I knew my tone was
usually cynical, must be the positive influence of the stranger I
thought, that made me at least make some sort of effort to be a bit
positive.

"What sort of products d'you deal with, or is it services may be?" He
seemed to be genuinely interested rather than just making small talk, I
found this infectious and started elaborating a bit more readily.

"Well, it's engineering really. Mainly products but a bit of services
as well. Our company's seen better days, but I've got to say it's got a
good name and really I've done alright with them. Had quite a few
different roles, been right around the world with them. But it has been
a long struggle, declining markets, diminishing margins but
increasingly demanding customers. You know how it is. And at the moment
it's my lot to keep our biggest customers happy."

"Does sound like a bit of a task" again, a throw away statement but
something in his tone again made it seem sincere.

"How long have you been in that game then?"

"Oh, I've been with my present lot for about 12 years but pretty much
my whole career in a similar field."

"Did you ever want to try anything different?"

"Ho-ho, many's the time. Too many times really. I've had all sorts of
ideas but never quite had the luck, or the guts, or both." Yes, that
was true, but also I didn't have someone behind me who would help me
grow. My wife was a cautious nervous sort, who held me back, she was
terrified of the unknown and somehow would use silent emotional
blackmail to stop me from trying new things, from taking any risks.
Over the years I'd grown passed resentment and just put up with
things.

"So what sort of ideas did you have?"

The thought occurred to me that may be this stranger was some kind of
tycoon or venture capitalist. He seemed so keen to hear my ideas, that
was the only way I could rationalise it. So I respond to the mood and
spoke for quite a while about a few of my business ideas which had
never got off the ground.

"Well, that's what's so fascinating about life really, isn't it? You
never know what might have happened. D'you know I had a situation like
the one you mentioned, well it's a bit of a long story and I don't want
to bore you with it."

"No come on, I'd like to hear it, really, after all what else have we
got to do." Damn, why did I have to say that last bit, it was so
ungracious, but tactfully the stranger didn't notice.

"Actually it was a while ago now. I guess I'd have been about 26 or 27.
Happily married one sweet kiddie toddling around, another on the way.
Money a bit tight but a nice house, job I enjoyed. Good times. Then out
of the blue the company announced a closure. I never quite understood
it, seemed like our site was doing okay but overall our division of the
corporation was doing badly and they decided to pull out of our product
lines. Bit of a body blow at the time, but in retrospect it was the
best thing that ever happened." He paused for a drink. I waited eagerly
for him to continue, certain that I could learn something here about
the secrets of business success.

"Well, I looked around for another job but for some reason my heart
wasn't in it. There was something about one of our new products that
nagged away at me, it didn't make sense to be abandoning it. Okay we'd
spent a lot on development and sales had been slow, but at that time
I'd presented quite a few of our products to customers and this one
kept getting a lot of questions - I don't think anyone was desperate to
buy it but it seemed to have some potential or at least there seemed to
be something intrinsically intriguing about it."

"Sorry chum, I warned you this was a long tale!"

"You carry on, this is fascinating stuff for me."

"Gradually an idea formed itself in my little head and wouldn't go
away. Finally I plucked up my courage and broached the idea with my
wife. I had this plan of how to change the product a bit and I was sure
it would then go a storm in quite a different sector to where we'd been
pushing it. My thought was to raise the capital to buy the rights to
the product off my company. Crickey, I say that now so glibly, but at
the time I didn't have a clue what was involved. Well getting the
finances was a saga in itself. There was a right old catalogue of
getting let down by banks and so forth, colleagues who were meant to be
coming in with me got cold feet and all pulled out one by one. There
were a lot of sleepless nights, I can tell you! Any way in the end I
got the money together at the eleventh hour."

"God it must've got tense at home!" I laughed, imaging the domestic
turmoil which we've all been through.

"I'm sure you're right but I can't remember it being too bad, selective
memory I guess! No really, Jill was a brick, if she hadn't been strong,
I'd have never been able to have gone through with it."

"Must be marvellous to have someone as supportive as that, where'd you
find her!"

"Well actually that's another story. I got married too young to a girl
I met at college. Even when we were getting wed, I knew it wasn't
right. We muddled on for a couple of years but I began to realise that
it was the thought of the humiliation of a failed marriage that was
keeping us together nothing like love, or companionship or shared
dreams." He laughed self consciously and a little embarrassed.

"So what happened?" One thing I really needed to know was how to turn
round a dying marriage.

"Oh, we sat down one night, talked it through, went our separate ways
the next day. Jill was a family friend who I'd always got on with, but
funnily never sort of, well you know, never really fancied, I suppose I
knew her too well or respected her too much. Well I bumped into Jill
shortly after my divorce, we got on like a house on fire and have never
looked back!"

"What tremendous luck, mind you I'm a firm believer that you make your
own luck."

"Well I agree, I agree that's true. I think the thing was that Jill and
I had such similar backgrounds and values&;#8230;I know they say
opposites attract, and I can see that, but I think with my first wife,
underneath it all, we were just too different."

We'd moved through to the small dining room and were both lost in
thought for a while as we ate our first course. I couldn't help
noticing that whenever the stranger wanted something, some water, some
wine, he was able to get the waitress's attention straight away. I just
knew that it would have been like that even if the place was heaving.
Some people just have that knack.

"So, you were telling me about your business. You bought the product
from your old company and that was it was it, you were away."

This was met with a really cheery laugh,

"Gosh no, if it was that simple! We had all kinds of adventures getting
off the ground. I don't mind telling you that if I knew how difficult
it was going to be I'd have never have gone into it in the first
place."

I somehow doubted this but said nothing. He continued.

"We had an eighteen month starvation period and I mean starvation. We
really scraped by, had to borrow money from the in-laws. Oh all sorts
of palaver. I couldn't say it was fun, but it was exciting! Well, in
time we got a few breaks and eventually we were on our way and
fortunately we've had a lot of luck since."

"Well I don't begrudge you it a bit. You took the risk, good luck to
you." And if I had a wife like yours, I'm sure I'd be matching your
story, I thought.

The conversation hit a lull. He had the social poise and confidence for
it to be an easy silence but for me it was uncomfortable.

"God this weather" good grief, did I really say something as banal as
that! Conversationalist I'm not but even so, I can only think that I
felt the need to try and compete with this man's sociability which made
me come out with something so inane. Trying to recover quickly, I
added
"Reminds me of last year. We nearly always go to the med. Twenty years
of good weather previously but last year, it bucketed down from the
moment we arrived. Wasn't just that but it was cold as well. After 4
days we tried to come home but had to stick it out for a miserable
fortnight!"

"That's the way it goes sometimes" he said kindly, "Y'know we once had
a holiday that could've been a disaster but it turned out well in the
end. We met some people from Essex who roped us in to some card games.
Well I'm not big on that but the weather was so bad and there really
was nothing else to do indoors. Any way, there were three couples all
with young families and we got on famously - kept in touch ever since,
in fact one of the guys I now do quite a bit of business with."

Crumbs, what vivacity. Clearly that's where I've been going wrong. When
we're on holiday I always feel too knackered and it seems too much of
an effort to make small talk with people I'd never see once the
fortnight was over. The stranger was chatting away. It was funny but
none of his stories sounded like bragging, he had a light and humourous
style and frequently poked fun at himself, but not, I noticed, at
others. He really was a thoroughly pleasant chap and it seemed
impossible not to be infected by him.

The sweet menu arrived.
"Ah ha, spotted dick and custard!" he announced rubbing his hands
together and clapping them once. I really fancied something like that
but was always rather austere with myself when it came to puddings. I
think he saw my dilemma.
"A little of what you fancy does you good! Well, I'm pretty sure it
does you no harm. Well not in moderation!" his eyes twinkled
mischievously.

"No, I think I'll pass. Iron will you see, can't be tempted." I said
proudly although I felt rather mean spirited about it.

"I admire you for it, everything in excess that's me." I knew it wasn't
true and that he only said it to make feel better.

"Big do for us next week," I said, "our eldest is eighteen." Now here
was an opening for me. The one thing I could match anyone on was my
kids.
"Off to Cambridge you know. Not the most outgoing girl but so focused,
always knew she'd do well."

"You're lucky. I've an eighteen year old. Bit of a party girl, doesn't
know what she wants. Having to have an unplanned gap year next year
because her results weren't good enough. Still, I'd guess she'll turn
out okay. Doing voluntary service overseas in the new year, should do
her good. Classic underachiever but so full of life."

"I guess she's got no worries, with your business and all" I didn't
mean it to sound bitter.

"If only!" he chuckled "No, neither of them want anything to do with
the business, can't blame them. It's funny isn't it, you try not to
have hopes and dreams for your kids but I guess like every parent I
thought mine could change the world but it doesn't look like it now.
But all I ever wanted for them was to be happy and to become good human
beings and I've no complaints on those scores, so really I don't mind
what they end up doing or what they do or don't achieve. Mind you, our
Kirsty's got some of her mother's bad habits - the pair of them, the
time it takes them to get ready to go anywhere and the amount the spend
on clothes and beauty treatments, well you just wouldn't believe
it."

Again I felt pangs of regret. The only thing which originally drew me
to my wife was that she was so physically attractive. Slim and trendy
she had positively oozed sex. Life can be unfair, in the 20 years since
we got married I'd put on 3lbs, she'd put on 3 stone. She looks
shapeless and dowdy. More depressing than her loss of looks has been
her total loss of confidence and self esteem. How I'd love a wife who
would keep herself fit and stylish. It struck me as funny though, his
wife seemed to have all the attributes mine didn't yet it was the only
thing he'd even come close to criticising all night.

I could picture scenes from their family lifestyle. Friday nights at
the golf or tennis club, comfortable laughter with friends and their
kids. No heavy conversations, no egg-shell treading. Our social life
had almost entirely dried up. I couldn't remember when we last had
friends round to dinner. If we spent any time together it'd be in front
of the box, barely exchanging any words and staring at something which
for sure one or other of us wouldn't be enjoying. I resolved to change
things around, to start really living.

- * * * -

Next morning I caught the stranger in reception, he was on his way
out.

"Hey, thanks for your company last night, it was a really pleasant
evening. But listen, we've done that usual British thing and I didn't
catch your name." He looked at me blankly.

Now that I came to think about it, I'm sure he did use my name, may be
he heard one of the staff mention it. I was certain I didn't know his.
It is funny how we do that isn't it? After you've been talking a while
it gets to the point where you feel too uncomfortable to admit that you
don't even know the other person's name. I guess that not even knowing
someone's name contrasts starkly with the familiarity of conversation,
and that's what causes the embarrassment.

He was still looking at me quizzically.

"You really don't get it Emyr, do you?"

I had no response.

"I'm you, I'm the different corner, I'm what might have been."

? Martyn Jansen, 2001