Looking Forward To It All

Looking Forward To It All
_______________________________________________

When we first had sex, we thought we were in love and so never saw the
need in any kind of birth contraceptives. Later we saw that as a
mistake, though now that's not what I like to refer to it as.
She found out that she was pregnant and the first thing that was set
onto her bleak mind was abortion. The one thing that stood between her
and what she called 'fixing the problem' was my one saving grace.
Money. And abortion not being part of any kind of medical benefits, she
was to fund it herself. Her parents being devout Catholics told her
that they will not support her in this and left it on her own
conscience. Bad move as there's not much there in that respect. She
turned to me for help saying that it was all my fault and that I had to
pay for the abortion. I told her that I am not prone to murder and if
she wanted it she would have to pay for it herself. Then I told her
that if she killed my son, she would automatically regret it within
five seconds of me finding out. She didn't have a job and what little
money she had, she spent on alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. And because
of that she never went thru with it. Thankfully.
I thought that everything was going fine, that she in a way started to
take care for the child thru all the sonagrams and all. She for the
time being even stoped smoking and using drugs. Partly because I told
her to and partly because I thought she herself cared. I should have
know better.
She gave birth and later when released from the hospital sank into a
depression caused by the child's need for attention and care. Me being
the only other person in our lovely little home (a one bedroom
apartment that was no bigger than the living room of the house I
previously lived in) I was beset with the parental responsibilities.
She didn't work nor go to school anymore, she was just taking up space,
space which the baby needed. After a few pointless months of depression
fuelled further by the constant and opiate narcotics bought with my
money she just left. Neither her parents nor I knew where. Then again
it isn't like I was very much interested with that sort of information,
after all, I in a way waited for this to happen.
I could have very easily found out where she is, just asked one of her
very similar white-trash, drugie friends. I just didn't bother. From
now on it would be only me and my son. I would have to take care of
him, love him, nurse him, bathe him, feed him and take on any other
responsibilities that came with the privilege of being a father. I
alone would have to bring him into this world. I was looking forward to
it all.

* * *

The kid stayed with my parents, as I was now again living with my own
life givers. They set that role model image which I in time would
myself become. Through the love of my son. Even though I was living
with my parents and still going to highschool, I fully took on the
responsibility that the kid needed, to grow into the man that I wanted
him to be. My parents, who loved their grandson almost as much as I
did, took care of him while I was away. This was in most part only when
I was at school or at work. Despite my parents suggestion, I didn't
really go out with friends any more, as I saw this as a more pressing
and important priority. I also gave up all of my own habits to support
those of the child's which were more needed rather than lusted.
My job was good paying and upon the compassion of my generous
employer, I didn't have long hours, so I was able to spend more time
with my son. At all times, being of the utmost support my parents,
despite still resenting my relationship with Her, imposed on me all the
support that they possibly could give. I, in return very thankful of
their loving concern had to decline. This is what they at all times,
preparing me for the unforgiving world had taught me. I alone had to
face my priorities. It was a mistake that I made. Though now that's not
what I like to refer to it as.
At most times, as the vast majority of uninformed and inadequate
teenagers, I thought my that parents were old natured, and in the dark
to the new ways of life and therefor inconsequential in the advancement
of my development as a person. Now, that my own to be belligerent
offspring, which still at this age has more sense than I did at a later
one, has finally enabled me to open my eyes to the poetic truth and
integrity of my parents disciplinary and intrusive nature of raising
me. I am now, very thankful for them stubbornly being the way they are.
It has taught me to be a better and a more intelligent person, which
they from the very beginning strived to teach me to be. I only wish
that I hadn't waited this long to see what they wanted me to see.
Though it is better than never. I was fit to bring my own child into
this world. I was looking forward to it all.

* * *

Sometimes I wish that She was still here. Not that I resent her
leaving, but so she could see what kind of life I have made for myself
and our son. So she could see that we are living quite well, when she
mistakenly thought that she was screwing us over when she left. If she
could only see how happy we truly are, it would reduce greatly the
hatred that I still hold for her.
Though, I still feel at times, and maybe pointlessly that I still love
her. Pointlessly. If she were still here I don't think that she would
return that love. I am not overly convinced that her type of person can
be capable of effortlessly generating what I have now thru my son
learned of what that critical emotion is.
But I hate her for leaving. I hate her for inflicting all the
responsibility on me alone. I hate her for leaving me with an infant
when I didn't even know the first thing about them. I hate her for
leaving me with all the feeding, dressing, bathing, the ass wiping,
diaper changing and the ear piercing cries at night. But throughout the
days, when the kid is playing, I have even come to love all those
minuses of having a child.
We're doing quite well now. The other day he uttered his first word,
nothing comprehendible, though none the less his first word. It caused
that bitter, salty moisture to accumulate at the corners of my eyes.
Because it was then that I thought of all the things to come. The
crawling, the walking, the potty-training, first day of school,
arithmetics, writing, reading, the spelling bees, the sleep-overs,
essays, summer camps, football and basketball teams, geography,
history, school dances, that hostile nature I once had, the lying,
cheating, resentment of me, the rebellion against everything and
everyone, graduation and finally marriage. And I am looking forward to
it all.