Illusions

'He's 24 and drives a fancy sports car.' (A two second pause).

'He's just like his dad - Handsome and very rich.' (Four seconds this
time).

'He's a consultant &;#8230; working for one of those big fives
&;#8230; what's the name I can't seem to remember?' She gives me
those long hard looks and walks away.

Since the day I cast my first vote to Congress, my mom's been
persistent with 'this boy is good for your you' and 'this family comes
highly recommended.' For as long as I can remember, my usual retort
was, 'what's wrong with the one I have?'

My indifference to her well researched 'eligible boy' stories always
angered her. The more I ignored, the more she turned to God and my
father for support, not always in the same order. In the era she
belongs to, people are supposed to have four layers of fat and two
children before they cross their teens. She was only 18 when she became
my father's wife. As a traditional Indian girl, I was supposed to carry
on the 'good ol custom'.

Vinay and me would picture the guy, every time she thought the 'right
man' had arrived for me and we'd laugh about the terrible descriptions
we came up with over waffles and vanilla ice-cream. I had only gotten
to know him for a couple of months but I still enjoyed his corny jokes
and Boston MBA stories. Besides that I loved his tan and he was close
to becoming my best friend.

Then one of my dad's friend's son got married. As a rich diamond
merchant, he matched the city's love for numerous wedding parties. I
was forced to attend the third reception.

Kamal was hard to ignore, if you know the type with good looks and a
deep husky voice. Voted as 'the catch of the year,' by the old ladies,
I'll admit he caught my attention along with every other female in that
room that night moving well to the dance numbers. 'Dangerous,' is what
my sister said when she saw me stare at him more than once. 'You can't
be this na?ve' was what she said when he started calling me at home.
The wedding got over in a couple of weeks and so did my friendship with
Vinay.

'Don't be in a hurry, at least get to know him better,' Vinay wrote in
this last e-mail from Uni. I assumed he was jealous of me spending so
much time with Kamal, so I just ignored him. I wanted him to be happy
for me cause he was the only person to whom I had confided my childhood
dream of 'love at first sight.' I found it with Kamal and wanted Vinay
to understand.

Kamal made me laugh, fascinated me with his ideas. We dined out at the
best Thai restaurants whenever he was in town and the long distance
phone-calls at two or three in the morning made me miss him more than I
could handle. I suddenly turned religious cause I would do anything to
make this engagement work. I wanted to move to London as his wife and
at 21, that dream made up my world.

He came to town unannounced last year. Told his father, he wasn't ready
for an engagement and that we weren't getting along. He told them to
call things off. I knew something was wrong when he came to pick me up
that night. After five hours of talking absolute nonsense, he managed a
meek, 'I think it's better if you tell your parents we aren't meant to
be.'

'We aren't?' I almost choked on the last word.

'When did this happen?' I began to raise my voice. I couldn't resist
another childish, 'Is there another girl?' He looked at me with
disbelief and made me guilty for asking.

Why&;#8230;?!!?

I kept thinking of various reasons for him to dump me like that. I
wasn't prepared to believe it was about another girl (could it have
been a guy?), it wasn't that we ran out of conversation every time we
spoke and I could swear it was genuine when he said he missed me. Maybe
his parents pressurized him into doing it. Maybe he just got tired of
the same face for nine months and wanted a change. Maybe I didn't have
all the answers and nor did he.

I couldn't help but remember my friend from college when Kamal left me
crying like that. We had been friends for a long time and then one fine
day, we just stopped talking. No real reason, just the need to explore
and experiment with other friends. New ideas and new mates, at the time
seemed more exciting than appreciating an old bond. I suppose, it's
different when you're in a relationship and that happens, especially if
you dreamt it would last forever and you're the one who lands up as the
'victim'.

Damn those childhood dreams. Damn the girlie fascination for fairy tale
romance. Damn the day I fell in love with Kamal.

I called Vinay at work a couple of days ago. He could tell I was
struggling to keep the conversation going. He drew me out and let me
cry my anger away. After I calmed down he asked what the problem was. I
lied and said I wanted to say hello to a friend. But Vinay was always
quick to the sense the moment and while he didn't say it, I knew he had
figured I had been dumped and now I needed someone to cling on to. And
the only reason I called him was cause I knew he cared for me a lot
more than he let on. He left for my place immediately.

He put his arms around me and put my favourite mint tea to boil. He
told me he'd flush Winnie The Pooh beanie baby down the toilet if I
didn't start smiling and cracking my lousy jokes - It was an old joke
between us. I smiled in-spite of all that had happened. And then began
to cry all over again. Not because Kamal left me pregnant at 21, not
because I hated the feeling of being so dependent on people
&;#8230;. Vinay understood it too. By coming over when I needed him
the most, he knew he had lost be forever. He became, Vinay, my buddy
and I wanted more that that. As much as I hate to admit it, I wanted my
fairy tale back &;#8230; I wanted a boy-friend.