The Dreamer

The panic rose inside of her as he left the table. She only had this window of approximately twelve seconds to compose herself and scrabble around inside her brain for a topic of conversation. She was still not quite sure what had happened here, and the shortness of breath, the queasey, excitable, scared and giddy feelings arising inside her stomach would all have to be pondered and analysed later. But for now existence was contained in the sudden grip of instant awkward silence as it descended. James took his seat opposite her once more.

"So...", he caught her eye, and she fluttered. Annoyed at herself for being such a girl about this, such a child. Why, or indeed how, did he still have this effect. It had been fourteen years since she had even seen him last, convinced then that it was all over and she could move on. She grinned, determined not to give a toothy smile. She would retain the outward self composure and the inner self consciousness that this at least represented.

"So, how, er, have you been?" she said at last, failing to conceal the demure mumble that had shaped the sentence. "I'm ok, its all good" James released a half- laugh and looked around as if waiting for someone to explain this bizarre episode to him. She knew he was wondering how he had ended this Saturday afternoon sitting having coffee with a girl, woman, who he really did not know at all - barely ever did in fact. She was usually good at this - chatting, catching up, reuniting. It was one of the few skills she allowed herself to admit to having. Outwardly at least, she could talk to anyone, relished conversation. Yet here, in this unexpected, unreal scenario she felt a little lost and all perspective on the situation had vanished.

She felt close to falling apart seeing him here in the flesh. This was probably closer than she had ever got to him in her entire life and memories from another existence flooded her brain in such undecipherable chaos, that it became difficult to breathe. And yet, she knew she could not let him get away, that she had to take this chance to gain closure on a story that for most, would have ended naturally, gradually and with dignity as time marched her forward.

"I'm sorry, but why are we here?" she stuttered, avoiding those eyes. The ones that she had drowned in from afar all those years ago as she pined from the other side of the room in a prepubescent mourning. That love had not been good. It had not been the uplifting and beautiful truth she had learned about through polished pop songs and the glossy pages of trashy teen magazines. He had consumed her, and the grip of a love unfinished, unrealised had never completely loosened.

"I don't know.." that half laugh again and the imploring look around the cafe. He too was avoiding eye contact. Grateful for the coffee, its heat and aroma reminding him that dreams are not real,he indulged in the theraputic effects of watching the dark liquid churn beneath purposeful stirs. "I was surprised to see you, surprised to er, recognize you I suppose". He frowned incredulously, "How do I know you - do I even know you? I can barely remember".

Unwittingly, she giggled inwardly. Again the girliness of it all annoyed her, but his confusion was so exactly fitting. "It was years ago - I am surprised to recognize you too, that you did me... This is hard to explain...we didn't really know each other - I barely spoke to you when I did know you. Or not know you." She grinned again and then pulled her fingers through her curly hair. She just knew it was frizzing unbearably, as it always had done. "I liked you then. I think you knew" She could not believe that she had told him this so quickly. It was her treasured secret from him, to be buried within her throughout her life, forever, and now here she was just dropping it into conversation, "But coming here was your suggestion and I am married now anyway, and..." the cadence of her speech was running away with itself and she could sense it making a mockery of her feelings, the words transforming her into a parody of her teenage self. She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye, "This is weird".