Dear Sarah..

I wanted to be happy for you, wanted just to wish you well,
Believe me, Sarah, my love.. love who used to be.
But some jealous black force within me stayed my hand.

I sat in utter silence this morning, all morning,
Save for the cold, monotonous ticking of the clock.
And knew that with each passing second
Your joyful hour would come still closer - yours and his.
God, how I wanted to smash that damned clock..

Please beg your mother's forgiveness, as one last favour:
I never meant her any harm.
She always liked me, if you remember (or said that she did)
And I had no right
To tear her well-meant invitation into tiny shreds.
It was brave of her to even ask me.

You wouldn't really have wanted me there, would you?
Neatly suited for once, forcing a smile, looking embarrassed?
Explaining to half-deaf aunts and cousins
That I used to be such a big part of your life.
No, better look to the future now -
Yours and his.

I'm not even a man now, I'm half of a couple that used to be;
A couple that would still be an unbroken entity
If I'd not taken offence at some imaginary slight.
I know it could have been mended. I know how you tried. I know now, all
right.
When it's far too late.

But if I was the man that I used to be,
Maybe I'd have had the guts to post this.