An Attack of the Heart

I thought I saw you today
sat on the bus
I felt myself shaking
turned to look away
do you remember me
I don't think you do

but I remember you...

I remember your fist
your boot in my face
your cold words
your alcoholic rage

what did I do to make you hate me?

sat bruised and alone
crying into the darkness
of my teenage room
started sniffing glue
drunk your booze
to escape from you

everything was always my fault
do you remember my screams
the sound of my head hitting the wall
the dog barking as you dragged me to bed

now I live in fear
cannot even breathe
without your damn words
speaking to me
cutting me up
criticizing me
somedays I want to strike out
but there's nothing to strike out against
you're no longer there
just an echo you left in my head
an invisible bully

and I hear you're dying now
why should I care
heart attack they told me
how ironic I think-
you had an attack of the heart
I've thought of all the things
I want to say to you
when you're lying there dying
all the things I want to remind you of
the cold things I can say to twist the knife
written down here in the pages of my mind

but I can't say them
why the hell am I crying
why do I feel so sad
I hated you...

but I can't kick a man when he's down

no

I think you did the things you did
cause you hated yourself too
I know you're not bad really
you're just a lost boy
confused and alone
walking a tragedy
in your haunted mind

hurting
broken
dying

I pity you...