Oh the painn of loosing her..

I sit there that night, that night i lost my life.
I sit there thinking will i ever be ok, i get told " the pain will get better" but thats not happening right now. I reminisce over the old days, i flick through the pictures page by page, it upsets me more. I just keep seeing her, my nan just standing there so happily so aware of her surroundings, but then i see her how she was before she died, the way her bones became so fraile, the way her face became such a perculiar colour, the way everything i knew of this person had changed. I just think to myself, she was such a fighter, but how did this happen? how could she be so cruely taken away from me so innocently. None of this was self inflicted? it was though no fault of her own, she made her mistakes everyone does. This time i thought it hand sunk in you know? i thought i had finally got to grips with the fact she has gone, but i havn't i refuse to, its not right, and its not possible i say to myself? but it is right. I am supposed to be seeing her around this time i thought to myself, right now i'de be feeding her, looking after her, why couldn't she of stayed with me? i tried to do everything in my power for her. That day the sun was shining reflecting the colour of the beautiful flowers in the garden, this was her favourite type of weather, i used to walk with her gentle arm clutched around myn, we would go for a walk to the top of the garden, it would mean so much to her. What happened to those days? in the last months of her life she got no sunlight, which could explain the pale colour that over ruled her gracefull face. Her speech had begun to get worse, it was beginging to be a bit more muffled, but i always understood it. That day i saw her there i am sure i saw her chest move, i was waiting there second by second just to be able to see her heart start to beat again, but it wasn't going to. She had gone, but i refused to believe it, i was sure in a second a smile would just creep over her face, her gentle hand would just grasp myn and never let go. It didn't though, her hand it just didn't move, no sign of any reflex or anything. As still as anything it just wouldn't move, i held her hand i held it so much i though maybe if she knew i was here she might be able to come back. That wasn't fair though it was selfish of me, her time of suffering had come to an end, like spring turning into summer, it had to come at some point. Oh how i would love just to hold her hand one last time, just kiss her forehead so gently and just have her say " i love you darling", all those cards she had sent me that i had blue tacked on my window, saying how she had missed me when i had not been able to see her 'cause i was ill, and it just brough it back. She must miss me so now, knowing i can't see her, knowing i am so upset about it and i start to think the feeling is meutral, how i miss everything we did together. I hold so tightly onto that bear she got me the little orange one with the ribbon which is so worn out around her kneck it looks like its being strangled, i hold it so tight just hoping she might feel the warmth and love it let off. It still hasn't become clear, surely i will see her again, she is just on holiday i tell myself, but its all lies, lies to hide the pure agony i feel beneath me, the face i walk round with its just a mask, i can't cry now though, i have run out of tears, i've used my fair share for today, but just wait for tomorrow when like the tap of your sink runs every day my tears will fall, as obvious as saying a car will go by on your road that day, don't worry those tears will fall.