An Actor’s Life

Spendapenny Pissedup is probably the 20th century’s most well-known heavy-drinking actor, famous for his 274 day drinking spree in Las Vegas back in 1978 when he drank three casinos dry, left Oliver Reed and Keith Richards both unconscious under a table in the Grand Hotel, won a 15 round boxing match with a John Deere farm tractor, threw up over the president’s wife and married a cabbage.

Other infamous drunken Pissedup incidents include the time he appeared on the Parkinson Show completely and utterly pissed where he asked – and got an on-screen partial blow job from Pumpkin Dropincentre (the world's biggest grossing film actress at the time), farted constantly throughout all of Parkinson’s questions and fell asleep, snoring loudly, all through Parkinson’s attempted interview with a famous theatre director, and then – after suddenly waking up - audibly pissed over the main camera (off screen) and beat up the floor manager, Dropincentre’s agent and a lighting rig before hailing a taxi and heading off into the London night ‘for a night cap’.

However, despite all this heroic drinking, Pissedup was always very popular with the women – as his 35 marriages somewhat attest (even though one of them was to the cabbage mentioned above, one to a goat during a Mexican drinking binge and another to a bedside light in a Hanover hotel). For despite drinking numberless bars, pubs, hotels, post codes and, on one occasion, an entire continent dry, Pissedup never lost his good looks or mellifluous deep and resonant voice with its subtle Welsh lilt that – notoriously – drove women wild, as well, as his 17th wife put it, as ‘being hung like a telegraph pole, and – more importantly – knowing exactly what to do with it’.

Unfortunately, tragedy struck Pissedup at the relatively young age of 45. Whilst on a cruise ship in the North Atlantic, he stepped off the ship hoping to chip a block of ice off a nearby iceberg to ‘freshen up’ his 93rd whiskey bucket of the evening. Sadly, being slightly inebriated meant that Pissedup lost his footing on the North face of the iceberg and slipped down straight into the waiting jaws of a polar bear which was posing for a wildlife camera crew on an already detached fragment of the iceberg.

The crowds for the funeral of Pissedup were the largest ever seen in London for an actor, bringing the whole of the city to a standstill and, later, seemingly, the whole of the country’s citizenry into a drunken maudlin heap outside every pub in the land as the UK population mourned Pissedup in the way he would have wanted.

[The First 'Tales of the Unexpurgated' book is available here for the Kindle.]