Romeo & Juliet – The Real First Folio Edition

Romeo: But soft, what light through yonder window breaks and is it that time already, I’ll bet the pubs are open and the footy is about to start. Typical bloody woman.

We are all – of course – familiar with this first folio edition of Romeo and Juliet and how it differs significantly from the more usually performed edition. In this First Folio version Romeo and Juliet do not fall in love, for at the most tender moment of the balcony scene we have these immortal lines.

Juliet: […]would a rose by any other name smell as sweet….

Romeo: Actually, thinking about it I could just fancy a kebab and chips. Hang on, love, I’ll be back in a bit.

But, of course Romeo never does return. Instead he meets his mates down at the kebab shop and by the time they have managed a swift pint or twelve it is far too late for Romeo too call back on Juliet. Although, to give Romeo credit, he does try, but on the way to Juliet, he walks into a lamppost, knocking himself unconscious. Juliet hearing of this adventure decides to give up on men altogether and begins a lesbian love affair with her nurse. They flee to Droitwich together where they set up home with several cats and open a refuge for fallen women.

Meanwhile, Romeo is selected for AC Montague, the Montague family football team, for their match against Inter Capulet. Halfway through the second half, with Inter Capulet winning 1-nil, Romeo is brought down in the penalty area by Tybalt. However, the Prince of Verona refuses to give the penalty and so Inter Capulet go through to the semi-final where they will meet the ship’s crew from The Tempest.

In a fit of pique, Romeo vows to give up football forever and sets off to seek a new life in the Takeaway Pizza industry.